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The Chemistry of everyday life, an HIV blogger. Twitter: @tcghiv | Email: tetrahydroziline@gmail.com

Precipitates and re-Solutions

My tops of 2010 and new year's resolution for 2011

Artist Singer
Katy Perry
While Britney Spears is on temporary leave, Katy Perry caught my attention.

TV Series
The Walking Dead
I love zombie apocalypse. No wonder I'm now hooked to US tv series. Cinematography is so real, it works like you are watching a movie.

Music album
Teenage Dream, Katy Perry
It goes with the above mentioned.

Medical Breakthrough
Rilpivirine
A new anti-retroviral drug equivalent to the famous Efavirenz. Greater efficacy and lesser side effect. Pending approval from FDA.

Movie actress
Amy Adams
I love her movie Leap year

Movie Actor
Ryan Reynolds
The reason why he left Scarlett... because of me. :))

Movie
Resident Evil: Afterlife
I've waited for so long just to see the 4th sequel of the franchise. I'm a big fan of the playstation game.

Website
Blogger.com
opened my mind to the online diary world.

Gadget
Nikon D7000
sister of the one I am using.

Song
Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
"Let you put your hands on me, in my skin tight jeans.. be your teenage dream tonight"

Number
328
The difference of my initial and 2nd CD4 count. A big leap.

Getaway
Boracay Island
Everybody loves this place.

For 2011

1. Prioritize my health. Be in good shape, eat well and improve medicine compliance
2. Extend my network of friends.
3. Choose my friends wisely, those who will give benefit of the doubt and can't be influenced easily by others
4. Improve my English writing skills, grammar and thought organization to be exact.
5. Save money, which I doubt. But I will try
6. Lessen the effects of procrastination
7. Try not to be bitchy
8. Travel more
9. Do photo shoots like there's no tomorrow, try to master portrait photography
10. Improve effective time management
11. Adapt and find ways to overcome Efavirenz side effects

Happy 2011 everyone! time to start a new phase,, :)

Substitution Reaction

Substitution Reaction - One of the basic reactions in Organic and Inorganic Chemistry.
Simply means, one functional or chemical group is replaced by another.

An illustration:

A---B + C = A---C + B

Remember the guy from this post - Here

He messaged me again in Facebook last week, it went to a long conversation and the sudden exchange of numbers.

We were chatting over the phone by means of SMS's, it was like a get-to-know each other phase for us. As we chat along, I felt really awkward that as if he's flirting with me. The way he addresses his questions and answers is somewhat like he's into me. He wants something out of me. I began to wonder what is it. I had a speculation that they broke up and he wants companionship. I tried checking his Facebook account and yet, he's still in a relationship.

Instead of thinking for unconfirmed reason why. I went assertive and asked for the reason of this sudden talk. He just answered, he's sad and looking for someone to talk to.

Ok, fine.. maybe he does need some comfort or something. I just can't get out of my head, whether if he is flirting with me and trying to substitute for his current boyfriend that is maybe on the rocks or what..

He even asked me to go on a coffee and movie date. Just the 2 of us. I'm totally clueless.

Hmm, I asked my friend regarding this situation and he said.. just go with flow. there's nothing wrong with what you are doing.

Maybe my friend is right, ok then.. let us see where this tricky conversation will lead me.

I just hope, my instincts aren't correct... Me, serving as a replacement. I don't want any other issues or something. I'm not messing up. Maybe I need to spice up my positive life. :)

Ta!

The Second Law of Thermodynamics

Who doesn't love Thermodynamics?

The Second Law of Thermodynamics is known as the Law of Increased Entropy.
Entropy - is the disorder of the particles when one substance is converted from phase to another (i.e Liquid to Gas). Sounds French? Basically, This Entropy is somewhat correlated to our disorder, confusion, complication and disturbance. "Kaguluhan" in Tagalog translation.

So, what does it have to do with this post?
The past months of 2010 was "Entropic", I'm not sure if that's the correct adjective form of such. Since it's Christmas season, a time for forgiveness and peace..

Let me say my apologies to those who have I hurt. Physically and Emotionally.
It's a nice feeling when you do this right? Not being specific, but to anyone who knows me.. You know who you are. No need to explain and no need to turn back time to the turmoils of the past. Moving forward.

And to those who have hurt me? Say sorry first, bitch. :) haha. lols FTW!

In 2011, I will try not to show Entropy, if not, lessen it out.

Happy Holidays mate!

ta!

Monster's back

My past is hunting me. I don't know why, maybe it's a result of the small gay world.
Haunted by both 'ex-es', my ex boyfriend and an ex date which I was really hooked with.

Instance 1:
I met a new friend, a common friend. We were together for a while but I can say our status is like of an acquaintance. Not really that close. The company held its annual Christmas party, this friend of mine posted the photos in his Facebook, I'm not really a fan of Facebook, I mean, I just go online to check who added me, post some comments and 'liking' profiles... Basically that's it. I don't really mess up with other's photo album or scrutinize one's profile. I tried viewing my friend's album and checked on the familiar faces. Since he's also my officemate. At the end of the album, I saw a photo of my friend and my ex.. They work on the same department so no wonder why. But what caught my attention were the comments on the photo. It was clearly stated that this friend of mine has an ultimate crush on my ex. I felt bitter once more.. And I hate it, I don't want this feeling. I admit, almost 4 years after our break, I think haven't moved on yet. Well, I'm trying to..

Instance 2:
I met a guy from a not-so-pervert gay site. In all fairness, he is cute.. One of my type. Though he's young.
He asked me to have a photo shoot and be my model. Alright, fine.. He seems to look good on camera so I said yes. I asked him to add me on Facebook so I could take a sneak peek of his photos. He's definitely cute. Upon checking the rest of his album, I saw him and a familiar guy, my ex date. What a transformation! This ex date was like the same height as I did and was so thin that a surge of wind could fly him off.. And what now, he's like hunk! Bulging biceps and chest. Going back, someone asked who this guy is, my friend said.. He's my hubby. Alright, fine.. Another small world. Later this afternoon, he texted that he's depressed and I asked why... He said, his boyfriend cheated on him blah blah blah. Hmmm, my ex date was bad pala.


This is just a thought. Not being emo or what.

Violent reactions are most entertained.

Ta!

The Chemical Zeitgeist

Zeitgeist (tsait-gaist), in layman's term.. The significant happenings over a specific period of time.

2010 was a bit aloof. Tremendous and laborious happenings occured.

Let my neurons do the counting...

January
My skin problem got worst, even the most broad spectrum antibiotics doesn't seem to fit. 4 sets of different antibiotics were used but still, it went back.

February
My skin problem recurred, I decided to have checked to a specialist in Makati Medical Center. Met Dra. T.G, she then asked me for an HIV test.

March
2 weeks after the test, results came. Reactive, titer count of more than 600units. Most likely confirmatory test will tell it's really positive.
1 week after, SACCL confirmed it. Positive for gp protein bands, I have both HIV 1 and 2 strains. Dra. G prepares me for RITM.

My first out of town, went trekking to Mt. Pinatubo. Photography skills were exercised. Met with P, the yoga boy, the moment I arrived Manila. (The first poz guy I met)

April
Met with R, a PGH staff, who is also positive. The first time we met was a surprise coz he's with his other positive friends.
He then accompanied me to RITM and introduced to the friendly nurses ans doctors.
Bought my smart phone, made me more multi-tasker... With M.S Office installed and planner.

May
My 2nd out of town, Pahiyas Festival. Photography skills were once more at par.
Played volleyball every weekend with unknown friends.

June
attended RITM's self-empowerment training, met several poz friends and met my date..

July
got a flu + h1n1 vaccination.
First take of ARV's. Went 2nd line within first month. 1st line is not really tolerated.

August
another out of town with office mates, Laguna.
Ended my 1-month affair with Ma. He's a crap!

September
Went to Boracay, photography skills weree once again, execised.

October
My atm card is nowhere to be found. Got lost out of nowhere.
Did a pageant photo shoot and met new friends and my crush.
My bestfriends betrayed me.

November
out of town, Tagaytay.
Bought a lens for my dslr.
13th month pay.

December
My CD4 jumped from 282 to 610 units. That's a lot! How generous my body is. Thank God!
I asked my other doctor from Makati Medical Center, She said.. This could be possible, maybe my immune system recovered fast. Thanks! :)

Who knows what will happen next. 7 days before Christmas, 14 days before the year ends.

I'm just doing what a blogger is supposed to do. To let hidden emotions come out. No pun intentions.

Common denominator this year - Me, being diagnosed as HIV +
Don't be mislead. I'm still a nice guy. :)

ta!

2nd CD4 Count

I missed RITM

It was roughly 3-4 months since I last visited the institute. This morning I went there to have my 2nd cd4 count, cbc and refill of meds.

Couple of nights ago, shocking news stumbled upon telling G passed away. Really weakening one, G was my first friend alongside R in RITM. I know he's happy now. He will guide us as what he did before.

Tuesday. To my excitement, I woke up at around 7am. Straight from the bed, no 5-more-minutes syndrome. Call time was 9am. I live nearby so it's not really a hassle. I arrived in Alabang around 750am and decided to fulfill my Jolibee craving. Had myself a burger steak and an ice cold root beer. Landed my feet in the OPD clinic and did my stuffs.

Familiar faces were expected. Particularly this guy, ever since the G4M and Planetromeo began.. I think around 2007 or so, he's always been insistent in inviting me over to his place. Of course, to do sex. Let's call him A. I asked Ate Ana when he was diagnosed, she said 2009. So, he already knew that time that he is positive and yet still invites me to have sex. Though I chose not to. Hmm, positive din pala to! Tsk.

I saw my ex-crush, Ja. He's still cute and his body's built were smaller than the last time I saw him. We did have a catch up and make kwento and everything. He hasn't changed. Still sensible to talk to.

I had a chance to meet a fellow poz whom I met in the blog world. He first sent a message through my blog email, exchanged numbers and several messages then we finally met in the lounge. I was shy so it took some time for me to finally talk to him; he is too quiet so there was stil the awkwardness. Eventually, I think things went into place and we had lunch together and went to Ayala together.

415pm, as what Ate Ana said. Remind her thru text for the CD4 result. I sent the reminder and several minutes later she replied..

'hindi na release result.'

Plain and simple. So i set my mind to know the result the next morning. I was getting anxious as the day comes to an end coz I really wanna know my cd4 score.

Around late dinner time, 9pm. A surprise message was received. It was from Ate Ana, she now got my score.

From 282 last March/April, my cd4 count is now...

610

That’s 328 more! I can't believe it, I asked Ate Ana, not just to double check it, but to triple check my score. She said, yes. 610.

Wow. Amazing.
I'm happy with it. Nice Christmas gift.

Yes to Hiatus

yes.. hibernation will free my mind from the stress.

Lost Chance

December, World AIDS day and Grammy Nomination Concert. The most awaited events for the month.

Remember, the guy I had a crush with? I think I let it pass... The conversation a while back lead to a conclusion that this might go to nowhere. Well, it's not his priority. I understand. Still, He doesn't know my feelings for him. I'll leave it that way. Though I had a chance to kiss him from a Truth or Dare challenge. Maybe that's enough. No hard feelings. Good thing no expectations was set on my side. Sometimes, being logical is better than letting my emotional hunger conquer my precious mind.

By the way, I find some posts too hypocrite.. hush hush! me and my big mouth. :)

Ta!

Weekend Revelations

This weekend, i got 2 juicy revelations.. One was heard last Friday, the other was Saturday.

1. My boss is gay. Not really a big deal. He's like Ricky Martin, I mean the world already know he's gay except for himself. The thing is, he's more "malandi" than i ever thought. High-end and big-time boyfriends, Expensive hotels to check-in with... like the one Magdalo group tried to invade, all of his past boyfriends had wheels. Wow.

2. Thought Magnetic Relationships (Positive + Negative) were perfect? not really. My impression of it was at a high level. Not until recently.

Ideal world:
Negative loves Positive so much he can't let go and decided to stay and take care of each other. Positive loves Negative so much since he's the only guy in the world who understands his condition. In return, they are happy, contented and loyal/faithful to each other.

Reality:
There's not much sex activity happening because Positive has the responsibility of not transmitting the virus to Negative. Keeping Negative free of sickness. As a result, "forever boner" or "forced abstinence" that will eventually leads Negative to look for another Negative to have sex with. Also, Positive to look for another Positive to have sex with. Makes sense?

Worst:
Negative and Positive are in a relationship. Negative has a Negative fuck bud. Positive has also a Positive fuck bud. They do it secretly. Makes sense?


The consolation of Relationship, at least being good and stable, only exist in Porn Movies. Agree or Disagree? It's only the porn stars who act they're in good terms. So ironic.


Violent reactions? shoot them up. I'll entertain them.

Ta!

Introversion

I'm one of the most introvert guy that exist on the planet. Can't really show emotions to a stranger, a new friend or even to the closest ones...

There's an inability to express my interest to another. I don't know why, maybe i'm just shy or too afraid to know whether I might be rejected or not. It's my innate personality. They say that 70% of humans are introvert, remaining are the extroverts. I took several online personality tests and somehow it proves that I am one.

Just recently, I'm experiencing another challenge to this psychological pattern.
There's one guy that makes my nerve cracking. A crush of mine. He looks very good. Those perfect chinky eyes, fair skin and wearing braces. He's 2 years younger though. We're friends.. Not really close, we do exchange messages once in a while. I met him in a photo shoot. I was the one who took the picture and he was the model. Some of my friends were already teasing me on him and this guy doesn't have any idea at all. I don't know if I will have the guts to tell him or just let this feeling subside and die naturally.

I saw the movie Charlie St. Cloud and it was mentioned at the end of the story that it's better to take chances. With this condition, I don't know if this move is the best card to take... I'm still testing the waters. But most likely... I'll let it pass.


Ta!

Muscles and Literature

Blogging is literature.. the modern way. If only there was an internet connection during the times of Jose Rizal, he would have made a trillion books.. or entries?

anyway.. I just noticed and I can't really help it.
As I browse other's blog and stumble upon the followers, there are a lot of avatar pics of nice bodied individuals. Why is this so..? hmm...

Stereotyping guys, those muscled ones are not really on a "brain-mass" level. They work and tear their biceps and triceps instead.. Well, observing from the world of Guys4men turned PlanetRomeo.. It's true.. Been with the site, for what?, running 8 years? and yes.. You will have a hard time talking to the "sense-full" minds.

What's the correlation? There are still "hot" guys that can go beyond the flexes of their anteriors and posteriors..

That's nice.. good to hear, i mean, good to see..

I'll just keep it short. Just a plain observation.
Keep it up. I just hope there's consistency.

Any violent reactions? Don't hesitate to comment. I'll reply to that.

Ta!

Forever LSS

The most memorable song I'll ever sing...

If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland and Katy Perry

Waiting anxiously outside the room of Makati Medical Center's Dra. G, I decided to plug my iPod and listen to relax my mind. Halfway of the song, they called my name. Hurriedly went inside to the nice and bubbly professional. Left my iPod running while the magical word was uttered... "Reactive"

Ta!

Mr Anonymous

There's an anonymous guy commenting on my posts.
It shows he hates me.. I don't care who the hell is he. this is my blog world, i can say whatever i wanna say. don't worry i wont reject any nasty comments.

I'm having hints...

pls don't mess with a techie guy.

What you are doing will just add to the mess. If you want to talk about it, do it in a mature way.
I know you ended up college.

Singleness

"Singleness" - the state of being single.

I've been contemplating on this scene for the past week. Rationalizing... "why am I still single?"
Went to many dates as possible but still none worked out.

I think this is the most highlighted topic on the entire blog posts.
My being single. I don't know why.. Maybe because I just know what I want.

The past days, a mixture of old and new friends went out for a get together. We saw a chic flick, dine out, booze session, coffee and all that stuffs.. I met my friend's boyfriend, I met my new friend's boyfriend, I met my officemate's boyfriend, I met everyone's boyfriend... And I, don't have one. voila! some of them were cute. :D

They we're asking why in the hell I don't have one. I said every excuses, which I think were legitimate enough, but they seem not to believe it.

they said, next time when we had our session you should bring your someone..
Who the heck.. they're putting pressure on me.

Though sometimes I miss the feel of having one.

Well anyway. It will come. A beautiful butterfly will soon land on the beautiful flower. chos!

Just a random thought...

Nothing much to say.

Hiatus?

Hiatus or not to?
I think I want this seclusion to keep on going.
Nothing much on the road right now, so why not be on a pro-solitude state?

Gonna list down the pro's and con's.

Meet Ups

Just like what I have mentioned, for the longest time of 10+ months I haven't met anyone from the outside world. I mean, those blind dates and meet ups. Not until recently.. I already met 3 guys. One every week. Two of them were hanky pankies..

The first one was the guy I am talking about, the tall, buff and manly stud who's being contrary with his bed preference. After the meet up, communication was cut and his whereabouts are unknown. As expected.

The second guy meet up was not really intentional. The day was planned for a 'self-date' which I normally do on weekends. He was persistent to meet me prior to that day so I texted him that I might go to this place. He replied and said he's gonna message me if in case he's around the area. I did my usual stuffs, alone. Eat, play, shop, stroll and when I was about to watch a movie.. There goes his text message telling us to meet.
He was nice enough, same height of 5'10 or so, nice toned body. We went to dine, my 2nd dinner set, and had some stories to tell. Things went a little bit intimate when he showed signs of being turned on. I think he was having a boner then. He propelled his legs towards mine and started doing the 'kuyakoy' move. We went to his car and started kissing me. Alright, he's onto me. I think he wants to do it.

'where do you wanna go?' he uttered.
'it's up to you. Anywhere' I said. haha.

He drove to a nearby hotel and we did checked in. How pathetic. one of the very seldom instances of doing it in a hotel. We did it of course and the rest was history. We did it safely. Parted ways. And infairness, he still sends some messages despite what happened.

The third guy. He was no hanky panky. He's also a sero-converted guy. A new one. Newbie as they say. We met in an online site and he asked that time if I can accompany him to RITM for his cd4 test. Plans did changed and he decided to transfer to SLH H4. We were exchanging messages for quite sometime and he's working at a nearby office. One night, he texted..

'i'm here in xxx near your office, can we meet?'

fine, I said to myself. To begin with, I was really hesitant to this guy, he might be a hoax of some sort. Trying to know sero-converted guys. We met inside a fast food store. He's with a friend.

Oh crap! I really hate it when there's a third wheel on the first meet up. It was a short meet and he was cute though. I wonder if he'll still keep the communication. Who knows.

The fourth guy. Pending. He also persistent in meeting up. Which I perceived will be like 1st and 2nd. A hanky panky. It shows from the way he ask me to meet.


Let's see what will happen next.

Ta!

The Oakleys

Why is it I'm turned on to guys wearing Oakley glasses. It makes them hotter.. +1!

Vivid Dreams

Had a couple of vivid dreams within 3 days...

1. A zombie apocalypse setting, like in Resident Evil, The Living Dead Series and Night of the Living Dead. "Shoot them in the head!" Had a shotgun and aimed like Milla Jovovich.

2. 28 Days Later setting. Almost similar to #1

3. My ex and I were living under one roof. Sweet and cuddly. Not really good.

Anxiety

The past weeks or should I say months, I'm really stressed and emotionally tired. I admit, I live in anxiety.. Always worried, nervous and always think of what will happen next. This I need to change. Which I believe is a tough thing to do. Stressors are everywhere. From work to peers, and even what my future holds. It's not really uplifting with this kind of living. I need to, somehow, reverse what is happening. According to my Human Behavior professor, try to revert all negative vibes into motivation. There's always a time where we will feel down, do the wrong things and be not satisfied with what we do.. These in turn are oppurtunities for improvement. Without these, there's no improvement. It's the essense of personality.

I just don't know where to start. Living in anxiety is not really healthy. I know that..
Maybe, starting from now and onwards.. Choose my friends, choose who to talk to, choose who to share feelings and choose someone who can open the door for everything.

I was inspired by Katy Perry's new song - Firework. It's a really nice song, adding to it the video that compliments with the lyrics. Though I only feel this when I listen to her song, what if I don't.

The past weeks, I meet several guys from a weekend activity. Some where nice and some were not. I have this crush on one guy but I'm so hesistant to tell him or even keep him at his toes. Firstly, I'm an introvert so I don't expect to let it go. 2nd, I'm already sero-converted. 99% would be a chance of rejection. Now it's a regret. If only I could turn back time, I will change everything, If only I was a minute late on the sex meeting with the guy who gave me this. Everything will not be like this.
I'm just being realistic. No fairy tale stories.

I'm stressed. For the longest time I haven't been engaged into sexual interactions. I just had one, on a weekday - lunch time. We initially met in PlanetRomeo, gave his face photos and exchanged numbers. After being persistent, he finally got a yes from me to meet him. I was shocked, he's really good looking, so manly, gym buff and tall enough. Too bad, he's bottom.. It suddenly came into my mind if I change my preference, so to avoid any transfusion and viral transmittal, of course doing it safely too. Bottoms are at the probabability of getting infected. Anyway, he nice and sweet. Health conscious and he seems to be a swimmer. Again, no expectations. No fairy tales. The last encounter was January, the time where I'm still free from being diagnosed. 10months after, I felt the situation of meeting up a stranger again.

These are my random thoughts. No one to talk to, no one to share with. Here you go.

Ta!

Russian Roulette

I wish i have a pistol right now and just shot my head off like a zombie from the movies.

Confidentiality Rant

I really hate it!!!!

I wont disclose my status to anyone! Damn those person who can keep secrets.. Putulan na nga ng dila! bwiset!

I really hate the feeling of being accused when I totally did nothing at all!
Fuck this life. No more duck quaks! peste..

1st Crush

Just got into another self-date. It was a movie marathon, just 2 though. Very contrasting ones, one was Paranormal Activity and the other, Petrang Kabayo. It was nice. I was scared and I had some laughs. The moment I'm writing this entry, I'm dining in a nearby fast-food resto on my phone, I really don't mind me being alone, though there are some whereabouts of 'aloneliness'. It's almost Halloween and lots of people are going home to their own provinces, it's really nice to see and watch people as I dine out. Traffic is heavy too.

I remember when Juan dela Cruz, the blogger, his partner and I were dining. I don't know if noticed it, while we were talking, I keep on staring at the window hoping to see someone I know.. Pak! There was one...

His name was R.G, my first crush dated way back first year college, around 2003 perhaps. It was a kilig moment when we met. A relative of mine is an engineering subject professor in one of the most famous engineering schools in the country, of course, I'm also a student. Relative was not able to attend to class to conduct the exam, so I assumed the place. It's alright though since his co-professors know me that much. I conducted the exam and saw R.G. His cute, wearing a cap and it seemed he wasn't prepared for the exam. Ok, the papers were given, the graduating class took the exam, I was 1st yr then, and tried to stare at him. He seemed to notice it so he stared back till the time runned out and everbody walked home. He was left behind, approached me and asked if we can be friends.. He took my number and off we go. Long exchange of messages revealed that he was a commercial model and seen in some ads. Maybe he's bluffing, I checked it out and yeah.. He really was. With some billboards and tv ads. His Hugo Boss quenched hands and that so neat look really dragged me.. He graduated, I continued my engineering course and the communication was gone. It was like a gradient, slowly faded out. Well, when I saw him again couple of weeks ago.. He's still cute. Remembering the old days.

Maybe, JDC is right.. I must stop being choosy.

Ta!

Non-Compliant

I just found out that I missed another tablet of Lamivudine + Zidovudine.
I'm having difficulties with medicine compliance.. my usual schedule is 12pm and 12am.

My phone will alarm but to my state of being busy, I take them an hour of two.
Now I missed one... again. I need to restructure my schedule.

I'm just having a hard time... I feel anxious (continued to my next post)



Ta!

State of Equilibrium

It was a mixture of stress and relaxation.

A cd4-dropping stress + cd4-increasing activity = equilibrium, too much science eh?

Stresses were:

a forced weekend over time work.
an almost postponed photo shoot.
it rained like hell.
i caught the colds virus and i am now sniffing like a dog.
some frustrations which i cannot reverse.
mouth sores (singaw) all over.. i cannot eat well!

Relaxation were:

a short shopping.
the photo shoot.
met new friends and made lots of laughter.
a game in timezone, i miss doing this!
met a poz blogger - JDC. Finally, we managed to set our times and meet. Nice meeting you!

Anyway. That's about it.

See ya. Ta!

Been a while

It's been a while since my last post. A couple of weeks ago I think.

I don't know but it seems that my aggressiveness and urge is slowly deteriorating.
I'm losing the enthusiasm of my everyday life. Nothing new happens, I can't even control the steering wheel of my path. The past weekends, i'm just home.. just online and doing nothing. More than a couch potato. This week, still the same.. nothing really happens.

Though there are "some" good news for me.

I know I can do this, I can surpass this. I know my emotions are stable enough without the help of others. But... I'm feeling it.

I don't know.. I still need to re-assess my Depression Management.

It's 10.10.10 - any special thing to do? I want to go out and treat myself.

Nothing much to say.
Take care!

Ta!

More than a 3rd wheel

I went on an eyeball-date from a guy I met in Planet Romeo, we were exchanging sms for the past 1 week, almost every hour and every minute... how enthusiastic, right?

He then decided to meet on our common free time, Weekend. The time and day came, we were about to meet around dinner time. Prior to that, he asked if we can watch a movie.. why not! We then watched a movie and then kicked our asses to a resto for a dinner.

Lucky13 even saw me and urgently called to let me know that i'm such a snob passing him by.
He made me laugh when he said to continue my dinner date with this fugly guy. Well, I admit it.. I think I was a victim of photo manipulation and deceived with so perfect poses. Not really a big thing, I'm already here and I got nothing to lose, so just stay and be nice ... Still.

Minutes after, he asked..

"Is it ok that a friend of mine will join us?"

..I was in the state of shock, I asked myself.. why? Ok, then be it.. Let your friend join us.

Let us call this friend of his as GUY X.

GUY X arrived.. he damn cute. cute based on my subjective mind. Chinito, average height, I think he's into gym since he has nice biceps and pecs and wears glasses. Jaw dropping indeed.

Using my peripheral vision, I try to stare at him and he's becoming familiar.. I know this guy. I saw him somewhere. I just don't know where.. Listening to stories and get-to-know questions revealed the answer, he's a former colleague. Shocks, Just like what I thought the moment I first saw him, He's gay. Ok, glaciers of ice were broken.. Natural flow of conversation came up. We were enjoying the dinner and it seems that there's no more awkwardness..

It was a turn off for my date though. Why the hell he did that? Prior to that, he was so busy texting.. maybe I am not his type. Well, to begin with I don't like him too. QUITS.

Done with dinner and off to the nearest coffee shop. Settled down and ordered some hot drink to let our tummy calm down, Minutes later... He called in another friend, GUY Y. He was a bit tall, cute and of light aura. He's nice.

We were on the table making stories and getting to know each other when another friend came by.. GUY Z! fuck this crap... this is getting really awkward. To be brutally honest, I'm one of the most challenged person when it comes to this certain situation. I am not really a socially inclined person. I just sit down, keep quiet and observe.. GUY Z is quite overwhelming which made the awkwardness really severe. what I can say is that they were nice, they did not let me be out of place.. but still, I was really caught off guarded. Well another lesson learned. Not really though, it isn't my first time.. Hindi na ko natuto.

We parted ways and for sure, they're talking about me. Who cares.

Ta!

Repeat and no Shuffle

I was in the office, mood swings struck...
Only one song played my ipod the whole day.

Stacie Orrico's There's gonna be more to Life.

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

Where are the people when you need them...

I'm a gamer

It's weekend and I promised to treat myself after some stressful events, works and compromises. I went to see one of my favorite movies, Resident Evil: Afterlife. I waited for 2 years just to see this film, I remember way back 2002 roughly 8 years ago, when I was still non-reactive, I used to be a gamer, yes, a gamer, not fooling around but a game freak. A playstation guy. Timezone freak.

A sumptuous fireworks dinner along San Miguel by the Bay opened the night for me. A large, more than a quarter pound rib from Friday's bought my tummy. Speaking of Friday's, I have a new crush. It's one of their waiters.. He's so cute, the chinito look over toned and mestizo look. Aw! he's more delicioso than what I am eating. He doesn't have a name tag so I don't know his name.. but being persevere, despite of a loud boom box beside me, I heard the manager called him.. haha, his J - just like a name of a saint. hmmmm.. :)) I'm looking forward for another Friday's pig out, good thing I have a frequent visitor card. :)

I was by myself and fate is really giving me a sight of what is having a boyfriend is.. for that night only, I saw 3 pairs of guys holding hands together. Though it may sound like a taboo here in the country, hey they're still doing it in public. hmmm.. ganun? well, I saw a bunch of dating bf's. I even saw my former classmate with his boyfriend, and to my surprise.. his boyfriend is the one whom I mentioned in my previous post, the guy who saw me somewhere and added me to his facebook and saw that he's in a relationship. damn. haha

As a normal rational being, being alone began to sink in.. but that's ok. anyone in this world will surely feel that they are.

Anyway. The night was so-so.

Ta.

Turn me off

Well. We all have one or maybe even several right? It would depend on our history of dating and wants. Let's try to sort it

out.. I'm not being superficial but these are just the collective and integrated means of my gayhood. :)

In random order.

1. A guy who doesn't know what he wants.
Scenario. Let's say on a first date.

Me: Where do you wanna eat? Pizza, Pasta, rice or anything you have in mind?
Him: it's up to you.
Me: .... like where???
Him: anywhere? Where do you want?

To my mind, Me: I'm asking you then you're asking me... Ditched!

- It shows immaturity. Indecisiveness. Poor decision making. Giving the benefit of the doubt, maybe he's just concerned on

me being choosy where to eat. But hello! That's why I'm asking so we could have a mutual decision. Right?

2. A guy who's too cheesy when in fact we met online.
Scenario. We chatted online and exchanged numbers.

Day1, the usual conversation and getting to know questions.
Day2, talk talk and talk. The whole day.
Day3, Now he's throwing messages like...
"i miss you", "im happy talking to you", "i think im falling for you" and the like..

It shows unstable emotions. Easily gets bored on something.
Benefit of the doubt: Infatuation perhaps? that's too much, we haven't met yet then you're acting such? hmmm.. not really

my thing.

3. The free rider.
Scenario. On a first time date.

Him: Which movie do you like to watch? A or B?
Me: I haven't seen A!!! I saw B last week and it's not really good.
Him: Ok! Your treat eh?!

Ditched. Hay. User. Blood sucker.
Benefit of the doubt: Maybe he's testing the waters.

4. The Beautiful Liar.
Scenario. On Succeeding dates.

Me: Are you dating someone now aside from me? or perhaps even a present boyfriend on the brink of breaking up?
Him: Of course none! Been single for the longest time now.
Me: oh i see. that's nice.
Him: (His phone got a message)
Me: (to eager to be chismoso, tried to take a sneak peak who that was)

On his phone: Baby. Honey. Beb.

To my mind. Haha huli ka!

5. Malcontented guy.
Scenario. Dating for couple of months.

Me: do you still meet guys online or something like that?
Him: of course not. we've been dating for quite sometime now.
Me: sweet. (chos!)

days after, my friend texted.

Friend: Hey, I saw your date online and chatting. He's looking for seb's. He even invited me over to his pad!
Me: wow. you sure?
Friend: yes!
Me: hmmm, let's set him up.

Bingo! Ditched.
Benefit of the doubt: none.

This post is purely based on experience, facts and opinions.
Any comments, reations and violent reactions? Just give me a holler.

Ta!

Been a long time

To keep you posted, these were some of the events while I was out.

1. Went to Boracay, a delightful sight seeing of the hunks and gals. Koreans and Europeans.
Met some new friends. It was indeed great and fun. Nice waters and fine white sands. Too many foreigners, great bodies and food. An ultimate beach bumming experience. Might go for 2nd time there.

2. Went to RITM for a quick refill of my medications. Good for 3months. The staffs were asking How am I going with Ma.

I said. "HUH?! It was long ago since we break up... Sila na ni D!"

Them: Shocked. Hekhekhek. Expectedly!

Ma and D's relationship is giving me goosebumps! puhhlease..

I thought September was my 2nd cd4 count, but no! Next will be on January. It will count the moment you start taking the ARV's. I started July, so + 6months = January.
Hmmm, I hope it will jump from 282 to 500+.

3. Talking about ARV. I'm quite doing good with Efavirenz. Though a stint of headaches and dizziness, it's still manageable.

4. Ate Ana asked for permission if she can give my number to a newbie from Makati Medical Center. Of course, without hesitation, I said yes. But until now, no one's texting me.

5. Speaking of text. Literally, no one's texting me. It makes me sad. The old group messages like Good morning or Good afternoon and even Sweet evening are ringing my phone. It's quite annoying coz you know it was "sent to many" not even personalized.
6. Sadly, my ex, the more than a year relationship guy, the only guy I consider my true relationship has a new bf. Tsss. and he even hides it from me! it hurts but, there's no way but forward.

"don't ever look back, don't ever look back" - Katy Perry's Teenage Dream

Leche! bitter kung bitter! he just have to make sure that his "new" guy is way better than I did. yes, I DID. He must be taller than me, got more nice eyes - like a blue-eyed one! better built and better skin tone! hmp!

7. I'm planning to date myself this coming weekend. I want to watch Resident Evil - Afterlife.
Synonymous to what I have now, I'm technically dead, the moment HIV entered my body. Dead!
Just surviving my everyday life and trying to be more productive and be more nice. Well on the brighter side, It seems that I'm longing for a company this weekend. hmmm.. come what may.

8. Vivid dreams. Again. Not really what you call "vivid" coz I can't even remember the details of it. But, it's really fun!

9. I can now see the results of my body toning. Even my friends noticed it. Hmmm..
It is when the time I was already infected with HIV when flirting from other guys arise! such a wrong timing.

10. Still, I'm not a desperate retard. And I will never be. :D

11. Piling up love songs on my iPod, WTH?! I know it's cheesy. but hey, don't be cheeky! I just want to drive my emotions out.

12. Planning of intensifying my photography hobby. anyone care to be a model?


Any comments, reactions or violent reactions?
Just give me a holler. :)

Ta!

My blog's everywhere

I just remember, I posted my blog URL to my pseudo-account in a personal gay site. And many guys from there sends me messages regarding them reading my entries. Hmmm, so I'm now pressured on what to post. Let it be personal or opinion-based posts. Whatever, As long as I express myself using this medium. I really don't care. I don't usually talk to people about personal life. It's not I'm not a sociable person, it's like I just hate and trying to avoid awkward moments. When I share my stuffs personally, that's already awkwardness.

I skipped one intake of Efavirenz. Sorry. :( my bad. I had too. I'm on a social gathering and need to be in tip top condition. I don't want myself to be in syncope just because of my dizziness and neurological side effect. Besides, I might have another vivid dream. Hmmm.. and took some amounts of alcohol. This might be the last. I will find a way on how to deal with late night gatherings and taking Efavirenz at the same time.

I also skipped one intake of Combivir, eehh.. My bad, again. My phone alarmed and I was playing Plants vs Zombies. "later, when all the zombies have died". grrr... time passed when I'm addicted to it and let my meds go away. Sorry again.

After a month or so of suffering from the side effects of Efavirenz, I'm now on the road again of lifting some weights.

Since a lot of people try to rad my blogs and ask on my pseudo-account in the gay social site. I might try to let them know about my story. I try to think of a way on how to do this. For the mean time, lets talk! :)

Ta!

Right or Wrong time

Sunday. I hate it. You know for a fact that when you wake up the next day.. Monday.
It's time for work, 2 days is not really enough for me. Maybe I'm getting to used with what I am doing. It's too monotonous. I need to add color to it.

I met someone over the cyberspace. Well, we didn't meet yet. The odd thing about it is, we're officemates. He calls every now and then. I haven't seen his physical appearance but based on the photos he sent me, i think he looks cute and decent. Braces guy, small earring. He i go again, attaching myself to someone and when the time comes, it's me who losses. We're still on the talking+getting to know phase.

The catch here is, ok fine. Maybe we're on to each other but what will happen if I confess to him my sero-status. What will he do if he found out that i'm HIV positive. Geesh. 2 things might happen, or will surely happen.

1. You and Me against the world (the dreaded Magnetic relationship) again... but this time, I made sure that I'm not an option.

or

2. Scram! go away..

Number 2 is the risk, number 1 is the happy side of it.

Just like what i said, I'll hold on to my philosophy.

I'd rather cry every night than to be on an irrational relationship.
I'll never be a desperate retard.

Sleeved Guy

Saturday. I met a good friend of mine. He's D. He knows that I'm HIV positive. It was really intentional for me to tell him, It was just a case of saving something irrational why I told confessed my sero-status. He used to be a date of mine last year. It didn't work since I was already diagnosed and decided not to push with it. We're really good friends. We even date out together fortnightly. It seemed that he proved to me that what ever sero-status I have, We can be good friends. I was drinking my favorite milk-tea frap when he grabbed it and took a sip on it.
As he's sipping my drink, "hmmm, this taste good!". It was a delightful moment for me.
After dining out and seeing a movie we decided to part ways. He always drops me off to the best place I can get another cab or puv.

It's already 130am. Cabs are damn choosy so I waited for puv's. There's one but it's still loading and waiting for passengers. I stood as if was waiting and hoping for another one to pass by, saving my time. Then all of a sudden, there's a guy beside me. Wearing long sleeves, a bit loose fit pants, clean cut and sneakers. Ok, no big deal. He's just an average guy for me. A rate of 6/10 perhaps. To my peripheral vision, I can see that's he's staring at me. Out of consciousness, I tried to stare back. I now feel that he's into me. He moved closer and closer, "Is there a straight way going south?" Aha! first move.. Just like what I thought. "Yes, the same puv that I will ride on to". Minutes after, he was bugging his mobile phone. I think he wants to get my number. I moved a bit further since it was an awkward feeling. He's even touching my shoes with his. Hmmm, I think he wants something.

I decided to get on the puv and wait. When it was about to depart, he went inside and still staring at me. Hmmm...
Just like what I said, I'm choosy. I'm not a desperate retard. Maybe you're into me, but I'm not. Sorry. Though I think he's nice enough. The scene ended with nothing. Just teasers and stares. not much interesting happened afterwards. I may sound rude. I'm not. It's just a collaborative and integrated experiences from the past. I learned too much. :)

Hope to see him again, and tease him again, Sometime..
He's the 3rd person ever in my gayhood life to approach me. I admit, I'm really snobbish and aloof. But for sure, when you know me. First impressions won't really last. :)

Ta!

Nugget Guy

I bought a book at a nearby bookstore, trying to be a book worm.. I bought one for 45 pesos. Quite Cheap.

Then I decided to splurge myself again with Salt and Ketchup.. I bought my Cheeseburger and Large Fries. Of course, add to it the tons and tons of salt and the red thingy.

I was reading the book I bought when a guy caught my attention.
I never thought perfection can be seen. Nice and clean hair cut, average height of 5'8, the yuppy looking appeal, clear skin, perfect chinky eyes!, great sense of fashion (I remember his red/black Fred Perry duffle bag), hot fitting long sleeve on his nice chest and biceps.. hay. Jaw dropping.
I was on my iPod and tried to stare at him. We met in the eye 2 times. OMFG! star struck!

I placed my bag on the table so there would be a something that blocks our sight.
It seemed he noticed that I'm staring at him.. He sat near me. (Me, facing northwards. Him facing southwards) He's on my 11oclock position. Grrr..

He was eating Chicken Nuggets and Rice. It shows that he doesn't have a big appetite since, he eats slowly. Adding to it, the small regular sized meal compared to mine. Large!

There's nothing much happened afterwards. I know that he knows that I'm into him. Too bad. I know for myself that a kind like him won't approach me. Oh well. Just another fairy tale.
Now, I have an addition to my crush list. :)

I may sound conceited, but I'm not. :)

Guys are acting up really weird nowadays.

Ta!
:D

Hilariousness

I'm wasting my spare time here in Starbucks together with my Iced tea and Sausage Roll. Good thing I have my laptop with me so I can be more interactive.

The other night, a foreigner friend of mine who's based here in the country messaged me through my dummy account in Planet Romeo. The dummy account was intended for HIV-related purposes. Cutting the story short, since we didn't really made too much interesting stories, He said that HIV is a condition for hot and rich guys. Why so? He said he have friends who is also HIV-positive that are too hot to handle and almost everybody wants them. Fine. Stereotyping? lols.

Speaking of foreigners, there are 2 hot guys here sitting in front of me.
1 table apart, both are studying and writing and on laptop as well. What's with them? Both are also nail-biting. Weird. One Korean-type and another Euro-guy. I'll just feast my eyes on them.

I had a prominent vivid dream last night. I don't wanna make further discussion about it. It's hilarious. It's not about the dream but what happened on me while dreaming. It's so childish! hahah. That's already a clue. For sure it happened to you when you were a small kid. Gosh. Needed to change the sheets. :D

I'm losing concentration. Another side effect of Efavirenz. I need to but a blue-ink pen. Studies show that using blue-inked pens will stimulate the brain making you more focused.

Ta!


Ta!

Toppings and Icings

I mentioned in my previous post that me and my beloved "ex" is working under the same roof.
Yes, we're office mates. Been with the company for 2years now and he's new, 3 months or so. I said to him to work here since the grasses here are really greener. (California Gurls?) lols.

He entrusted me his belongings including money. I still treasure that. He still trusts me.
His shift is early morning and I'm on the mid. When he's about to clock out, it's my clock in.

One day, he asked for his entrusted money and said to meet in the fire exit. We're just 1 floor away. Fire exit, hmm. I know what you are thinking. I never did that. I gave him his money and surprisingly he a box of cupcakes with icings and toppings were seen.

How sweet. The cup cakes were yummmy.

Will he still be that way if he knew I'm positive. I don't think so.
Well. So far, we're friends/officemates. That's it.
No expectations or anything.


Ta!

Flirting Space 2.0

Last week I went to the other office's building site for a company activity.
Call time was 1pm. I took lunch by 12pm and went my ass on the building. Of course, Filipino time.. a 1pm meeting will start 3pm. Even worst, we started 6pm. WTF. Whole day affair.

The team decided for a late lunch and took their cigs at the the smoking area. I'm not a smoker. So I just stand by my feet and listen to their stories. Several meters facing my direction is a cutie, I think with his smoking buddy. My peripheral vision says he's staring at me.. I tried to looking at him but i'm too shy.. haha. Done with smoking and parted ways.. ok. Another same old story.

1 week after... a cute guy added me to be his friend in Facebook. I just typically add coz I simply don't care. what do I have to lose if I add strangers, besides it's a social networking site. Of course, the mere fact that he's cute. So I confirmed his request.

Fine.

Days after, He messaged me..

hey, I saw you last week in XXXX (name of the building)

Oh fuck.. it's him. :D

We talked some things and we have something in common.

a. he's also into volleyball
b. he's just nearby.. we're both from the south.
c. we have common elementary and high school classmates

He works for an oil petrol company. It shows intelligence. :)

but upon scrutinizing his Facebook page, He's in a relationship!
BOO!!! arrghh... hmmm. Let's see what will happen next, :)

Share a seat, not win a friend

I went to the one of the biggest malls in the world.
Agenda was to pay some bills and get some recreational function. A short nifty date again with myself. Well, It's getting fun..

The weather's perfectly fine. Bright and Sunny. It's weird since August is a season of heavy rains and floods yet, The sun is up. I remember the sunflowers from Plants vs. Zombies.
I went to the telecommunication's shop and paid my bill. Agenda was done and I have the time for myself again.

I tried roaming around and checked the movie list for a possible marathon. The Expendable, hmm.. nah! pass on that.. that's too straight. Other were already seen and downloaded, so I just continued roaming around and decided to get bunch of my favorite floss bread. I went to Bo's Coffee and spared my time sipping some chocolate freeze. Watching people as they pass by is again, a great experience. You see the hunks, the cutes, the gays, the boys, the dogs, those bf/gf quarrel and some interesting stuffs you can make crazy stories of.

Several hours have passed, it's time for dinner.. On to the resto. Got my Chicken Cordon Bleu and sat on a 3-seater table, Alone. I may sound dumb but I'm not. Started my sumptuous dinner, with my ipod on, Someone then approached me and asked if she can share a seat... Yes, you heard it, She. Uh, ok.. Sure.

Awkward. Silence on my end. Hey, it's a pretty and smart girl. Intimidating. lols.
Maybe she knew I'm straight. Sorry I'm not.
I can't break the ice, I never did in my life time. I hurriedly finished my stuff and went home.


Ta!

I'm not an option

Got a couple of hours to splurge to.. So why not make another entry.

I'm pigging out myself with salt and ketchup. This is how I love my fries.

Ma texted asking where am I. Having doubts of him seeing me somewhere along the way, I asked him 'why?'

'I'm here in Glorietta with my bro.'

Coincendentally, I'm having my lunch in the same spot too. Getting straight to the point, I don't wanna see him. I wanna be alone.

I continued my salt craving and tried observing people while listening to my ipod, my bestfriend. Another hot manager stumbled upon my entrance, what's with this resto as they hire cute management trainees? Great biceps on a super tight fitting sleeve..

Contemplating on my past relationships, it's been a while. Almost 4 years have passed since my serious one. The one that lasted for more that a year. Well, a couple of years ago I had one but it didn't last that long though he can still be considered. So there were 2. I have tons of dates and flings but not a single guy worked out. Been through the thick and thin of the LGBT world. Maybe that's why I tested out positive. Experience really gave me the lessons I need to take. Modesty aside, I'm not stupid. I know how the world revolves around the sun. Yes, it's hard to be smart coz you tend to set standards, when you have standards, you tend yo be choosy. Yes, I'm choosy. Simple, I know what I want.

Now that I am sero-converted, hiv positive. I will still be choosy. It is better to set standards than to be fooled. Just like what happened a couple of days ago. I just knew that I was an 'option'. Maybe because I am positive and the other is negative. Another reason not to be engaged in a 'Magnetic' relationship (me, positive. Partner is negative). Good thing I'm smart enough. I'm already immunocompromised then why let my emotions be compromised as well. One's thing is for sure, I won't become a relationship-desperate retard. I'd rather cry every night than to look for an irrational relationship.

Just like what Tata Young said..

Don't want to depend on no-one else
I'd rather rescue myself

I can slay, my own dragon
I can dream, my own dreams
My knight in shining armour is me
So I'm gonna set me free

Constrained Vulnerability

Another flow of Lacrimation.

How I wish I were trapped in my vivid dreams. Away from the harsh nature of reality.
A dream that transport one emotion to another.

How I wish I was a simple living creature. Away from the complexities of human suffering.
A dream that can be controlled every minute.

How I wish I had a shoulder to cry to on. Away from the corner of room, quietly crying.
A dream that eludes time.

How I wish this was never happened. Away from these tears that make my heart ache.
A dream that can born the inexistent.

Once, someone asked what was the happiest day life-to-date. I couldn't answer.
Someone asked, when was the lowest point. There's an answer.
I can't find myself where am I heading. Playing Pokerface is easy.
A realization that no one else can pamper myself but me, Alone.
A realization that no one else can make me happy but myself.
A realization that I need to revolve on my own world.
A realization that no one to help me. Just myself.
Maybe Alone isn't Lonely. Hopefully.
No but's and no ah's.

Friday the 13th is not that good for me.
I know this is another drama, I'm not usually like this.
It's just that, when you need someone to talk to or to share things with then it's the time when people are not around, even worse, no one talk to or share with.

Gonna watch a cartoon movie to lessen up this.

Good night.

Nifty Date

Sunday. A regular family day for some, but for me.. it's my day.
Well, not my birthday. But a day to date myself out.

The original plan was to get out of the boring house early so I can set a movie marathon. more than 1 is already considered marathon ok? Last week I hit 2 in one day.

The rain fell hard so I need to push the time and wait while surfing the web.
2 hours delayed.. That's already one movie.

A date with myself began when I bought some school things.. pens and papers.
The movie I planned to watch will be shown at 8pm and I'm done with the bookstore by 630pm, so I have ample to time to do my stuffs.

Bought a new hair styling was and great food trip filled the gap and was so enjoyable. It was a long time since I did this.

1. a hotdog + mushroom + mozzarella cheese + mayo stuffed crepe.
2. banana split ice cream.
3. more than what you can eat fire floss.

Went on watching the people pass by. Stare at the cute guys and listen to my iPod.

Movie time was great but not my freaking seat mates who were so noisy murmuring the story line. The rain stopped just in time for me to go home..

It was such a feather-light experience. It's been a long time since I did this. I miss doing this.

Shit Happens

Recent events and happenings makes me feel so sad, depressed, no sense of belonging, confused, lonely and bothered. I don't wanna elaborate more on each coz they will surely make me look dramatic. Ayoko na ng drama sa buhay, I have a serious health condition and here am I, making it worse. Pero I can't help it. Of course, a normal rational being will always feel a roller coaster-kind of emotions.

Do bad luck comes in 3? Well, this is more than Bad Luck.. As the title goes, Shit happens.

I'll try to enumerate some.

1. ARV side effects are not really getting me in the right track.
I'm having a hard time being a productive guy, I'm really good with Time Management skills but instead of splitting myself up, I'd rather sleep early. Do nothing and stay at home. This is not good.

2. A recent break up, well. It's not really a big deal for me but the Paradigm Shift is causing my trouble.

This is a chain reaction thing... coz,

1/2a. wala na kong constant na kausap, I dont have a bunch of friends to mingle with. I can't join my officemates on late night gimiks since Efavirenz will start to kick head off. I need to go straight sa bahay kasi gegewang ako sa hilo.

1/2b. I spend the weekend on myself, sanay naman na ko even before, doing things alone. but the Paradigm Shift. I try to ask my friends out, I texted them pero walang reply, they're too busy to meet me up, may isa nagpapalibre pa.
Naiisip ko tuloy, baka naman ayaw nila ako makita kasi they know I'm sero-positive.

1/2c. Personal obligations and liabilities are on. I wont elaborate on this na.

I know this is ranting again. Ewan ko ba.

Dapat sanay na ko dito eh. I was raised and left as an independent person!
Only child, no siblings, no brothers nor sisters, not even a relative na ka-close. I'm not close to my mom, so hindi ako pala share ng kwento or anything to her. My dad was long gone.

Just me. Myself.

I need to move forward. I won't look back.

Paradigm Shift

It's totally over. Closed book between me and Ma.

... and now, Paradigm Shift. A change of mind. Of what you used to.

Weekend is so silent. My phone is not ringing, almost no new messages.

No one to talk to, every break-up ganito lagi ang set up.

Well, I'm used to it. Maybe this is a great time to give time for myself again.

But somehow, no bitterness. Hindi ako galit. Good thing.

Agenda for today:

1. work my arms out, its been several weeks since I jolted my biceps and triceps.
2. shop. Zara stores are on Sale!
3. Watch movie. Marathon maybe.
4. Dine out to a resto that I haven't tried.
5. allot time for unexpected plans.

Weather: Cloudy, seems it's going to rain hard.

Dilemma: how can I do my agendas with this kind of weather. crap!

Solution: Just push with it.

Result: Satisfied and peaceful being.. chos! haha


Ta!

Twice Blended

Dizziness and headaches are slowly subsiding.. slowly.
Though there are still some signs which I tend not to tolerate it, kaya pa naman.

Anyway, I'm here in Starbucks wasting my 3-hours allowance time doing nothing. See, instead of me lying down in bed, I'm here wasting my time on my laptop.

Nothing much from the past weekend to talk about, just a dine out and a movie date with friends.

Oh, there's the malanding barista. I was falling in line anticipating if I'll get a coffee or a cream based frap, he asked for my drink..

One venti, mocha frap, twice blended without whip for XXXXXX!


Shocked, bakit nya alam name ko? hindi naman nakasabit ang i.d ko so for sure hindi nya nakita name ko.. Until now, im still wondering how in the world he did that. I know he's gay, obvious naman.

I'm still dizzy, puro na lang dizziness.. Im being unproductive coz of this. Wala na ko masyado nagagawa.

Just an update: Ma and I ended it up na. Though nagpaparamdam paren sya. Well, bahala na. Basta ang alam ko, I'm free and I can do anything I want. :D

Ta!

Flirting Space

I just noticed today, I've got a few grammatical and typographical errors. Tsk. I'm using my phone kasi to make a blog. My apologies.

I'm getting over my dizziness side effect slowly.

I think the connection between me and Ma is over. I feel no more, this is getting bland. If he just stick to his head what he said to me before..

You know what, ikaw yung type na love or hate lang


True indeed! Maybe it's a manisfestation of my astrological sign but I can atest to it.

Stress comes within me and now depression starts to sink in... Again.
I can tell coz of sudden emotional bursts. Need to regain my self-composure with my ipod.

I'm now here in the salon having a haircut and I can't believe that the guy assisting me is so horribly cute. He's P. Fuck and he's massaging me right now. Grrr. Ano ba?! Although he's bansot, he's so cute. Teehee. That's why I really love going back to this gigolo-like assistant infested salon.

I just can’t help myself looking at him..
There are a lot cute guys in this world, it's just a matter of appreciation.

Him: Sir, ang lalim ng iniisip nyo? Ano problema?
Me: Wala, may kamuka ka lang kasi....

Grabe ang landi ko talaga.

After this landi moments, am gonna go back home and take some rest then meet my friend.

Enough off emotional stress..


Ta!

Getting Dizzy

I went to RITM last Tuesday to wave goodby to my Nevirapine and say hello to Efavirenz. I went to the OPD clinic and stumbled upon my entrance is Ar, my one of my crush, Ar, as you can remember from the Self-Empowerment seminar. The so suplado, quiet and mataray guy. He still looks good and have a great built. Sorry, pero hindi ko siya pinapansin kasi I felt really awkward and I knew for myself na susupladuhan lang nya ko just like what he did before. So, hanggang tingin na lang. A guy then saved me from awkwardness and gave me a little chit chat, he's R. Got a cd4 count of 2 and got some illness. There's a guy by the corner and I can see on my peripheral vision that he's staring at me. I was curious so I took the seat in front of him. He's R. A newly diagnosed guy and will commence his arv treatment the same day as to my Efavirenz. magka tukayo sila ni earlier R. So to avoid confusion, let's name the earlier R as R-cd4-2 and this R as R-arv. He's still staring and I felt na kinikilala nya ko. So am I, he's kinda cute, good moreno tone and got braces! He's familiar... Really familiar!

He's on his way to the pharmacy to have his arv's. I rushed towards him at sinabayan ko sya sa window, we gave our booklets and prescriptions and while waiting for the meds, we finally got the chance to talk.

Him, 'kelan ka na diagnose?'
Me, 'March of this year ako, ikaw?'
Him, 'bago lang ako, May. You what familiar ka'
Me, 'yeah! Familiar ka din, nagmeet na ba tayo?'
Him, 'yes, i think so... Db you're into photography?'

shocks, kinabahan na ko. Kilala nya talaga ako.

Finally. Puzzle solved.
A night stand guy from the past.

Shet! I felt guilty, ako kaya nakahawa sakanya? the scenes were still fresh, we did it safely. He got a cd4 of the same amount as minde, around 280+. I told Ate Ana about it and she said na wag ka mag worry. For sure hindi ako ang nakahawa at sa iba nya nakuha kasi mababa na din cd4 nya. wag ng magsisihan.

Yeah, she's right. Enough. We can't do anything about it. Lets' move forward.

He went home and I went to the lounge. Tambay lang. Palipas ng oras. Saw some old friends and made chikas.

Now, Im taking Efavirenz. What the heck! Ang lakas ng tama. The morning after I took
it, it really made me felt dizzy and out of myself. Feeling may lagnat at biglang bumangon. That's the exact way to describe it. So far no vivid dreams, and I am getting ready for it. Hahaha, browsing through some Enchong Dee photos eh.. Grrr naughty!

2nd day, lesser effect. I had 8hrs sleep and it's a bit tolerable. Super menthol candies does the trick.

Gawd! Pls spare me from these..

Im getting dizzy nanaman.

Ta!

Monday's In between

I'm sooo effin' tired... Again, one of the side effects of Nevirapine. I'm sleepy the whole day. Am here in the office doing nothing, then why not make blog post? Good thing my phone supports MS Word so I can just upload through usb then copy and paste.

Ok, nothing much to say on a Monday. A bit loaded shift but was so manageable that I have extra 2 hours to spare with. Im on my iPod and listening to Lady Gaga's Pokerface. So gay right? Listening to her on an office setting. Anyway, I'm just waiting in vain for our shift to end.

Nothing to talk much on a Monday, then let's bother yesterday's events. Sunday, a small company event was held in Metrowalk. Prior to the event I was planning of dropping by either Shangrila - to check or might even buy some stuffs from Zara, hey they're on sale! Or Megamall - to have a haircut. Well I did jump to Megamall but went to Subway coz Of my sandwhich craving.

On to Metrowalk, met new friends and saw some cuties. Went dinner, videoke, billiards and chit chat over coffee. Well, another pretty experience indeed.



I'm still sleepy. Took hot cup noodles and chips to satisfy my salt taste buds. Sipped coffee, somehow baka mawala mga hikab ko. Still! I tried calculating till when I'll suffer this condition..

Here goes my self-proclaimed calculation,
I ask Wikipedia about Nevirapine's half life. Half-life is a chemical term that denotes the time at which a substance loses half of its concentration. NVP's half-life is 45 hours and I took 4 of them so around 15days?

Enough of those.. Tuesday is set for RITM. Gonna get those Efavirenz in exchange of NVP. Will see good friends again.. Hopefully I can have the chance to meet someone new naman. :P

By the way, I'm missing Ma. Well, he himself but not his pesky paranoia and untrustfulness. gosh, is there such a word untrustfulness? Lols.

Let's see what will happen next. I still don't text him. Huh!


Ta!

Rain Rain Go Away

Sunday, planned to go with D and K. Unfortunately, D has fever.. boo! K. I think is not yet awake and he's not replying. It's already 4pm and I don't wanna waste my time inside this boring room.
It's raining hard and I decided to let it pass before I go out of the house. I was browsing some blogs, online in PlanetRomeo, Facebook and other personal sites. Wala lang, juat to keep myself busy for the meantime. Tomorrow is another Monday, Another busy week off. Sheesh.

Ma, is not texting. I miss him a bit, but to render his lesson and realization I opted not to text or talk to him. Hayaan ko muna. Well for sure if I did, magaaway ulit kami.

It's the 5th day of my Acyclovir, my opportunistic infection is gone. I have 4 tabs left and I'm gonna miss this. It's like candy, the texture and the taste. It's not the usual medicine that taste like hell. Well. Thanks Acyclovir! no more 5x/day for 5days :D



I took photos of the ARV's .. boredom really kills. :D




I'll be preparing myself in a bit.
Have questions? Just give me a holler!


Ta!

Weekend Bail Out

Since it's a weekend, let's set aside the stresses...

Saturday and I can't believe that I am a loser. I usually go out of towns, dine out, play sports, challenge Timezone Tekken 6 hotties, pig out and go food tripping, watch movie or any outdoor activity. Outdoor ok, meaning... not inside the house. But what now? I'm in my bed with my laptop connected to my wifi and doing nothing.. such a loser. It seems that my friends are too busy or me being too lazy to invite them on a date out.

Well, to start if off.. I'm having fever! not really high-grade. just feverish feeling with chills and a bit headache resembling a true fever.. wow, that's a lot of the word "fever". This is one of the main side effect of Nevirapine, the dreaded and frightful ARV since it can splash you out with rashes making you ugly or maybe uglier. :) Good thing my body reacted with fever and not with rashes. Whew! So I have to stop taking it. But of course, I need to continuously take Lamivudine + Zidovudine. I texted D regarding this since he has the first line experience with this kind. haha and yeah he said to stop taking it. Ate Ana asked me to drop by RITM on Tuesday, I'm gonna redeem Efavirenz in exchange of Nevirapine. Hmmm, another dreadful ARV. I wonder how does it feel to have this "vivid dreams" side effect with Efavirenz.

Since am not doing anything, I tried researching the ARV's. As I skim and scan Wikipedia, I felt something really dramatic.. I'm missing Organic Chemistry!!! Missing the old days.. I took 2 Organic Chemistry classes and I did enjoy the curriculum. How to name the organic compound, how to synthesize the compound, what reagents to be used and yada yada yada.. I know it may sound geek and too schoolish.

It's quite surprising that there are some "non-reactive" to gp41 and gp120 guys reading my blog.
gp41 and gp120 are the proteins found on the outer layer of the morons. Hmmm, maybe i'll have a quick rundown of my knowledge on this stuff. It's quite alarming that even those "reactive" or HIV + guys don't or have a limited background regarding some stuffs. I have a pos friend and he doesn't know what is Azithromycin for. Wow.

Wants some lesson? :)

Sunday's plan is already alloted. Gonna go out with D and K. Might watch Inception and dine out. I don't know, It's up to them.

Somebody messaged me on my "positive-account" in Planet Romeo, he wanted us to be friends. Ok, no problem. We can try. We talked about the usual stuffs and it came to a point that he shared his photo. He's cute, i can feel he's Chinese and doesn't know how to speak the native tongue. I'm still doubtful of giving mine since, of course, my identity and I'm scared of humiliation. It seems he's naive to HIV and really wants to know more about it. Well, he got me.. I gave my "normal-account" and saw my photos.. and then all of a sudden he's talking like an expert. He even asked if I know Ate Ana, Shola, Ate Ellen and the rest of the gang in RITM. I was really surprised, why and how in the world you know them.. "By the way im not HIV +", he said. So how come? I got bothered with him and never replied to any of his queries. Then, minutes after.. He sent another message.. "Let's have sex!" . Hmmm, suspicious.. I wanna block him but it might trigger something so I just ignored him. Tsk, Sayang.. He's so hot pa naman. :))

And now, I'm looking for mates to talk to.. It seems that everybody is busy on their gimiks.


Ta!

Accused of nothing

I am accused of something that i don't do or even can't do.. and it really hurts especially if you partner is the one accusing you. :(

Just a while ago, Im on my way home, Ma ran out of load and uses his tita's phone for communicating. I'm like a time card on a bundy clock, reports every moment and place im into.

I was commuting along Ayala Av., then EDSA then SLEX then southwards.
I finally got home when he texted,

tawagan mo ko, mag redeem ka ng points (superunli)

on my dismay, i dont want to use my points. instead, i told him..

bukas na lang kita tatawagan after ko mag load kasi 2 pesos na lang to

then he was now calling, still using his tita's phone, and i wasn't able to attend to it since im busy freshing up and getting dressed down.

now he's angry and full of fury.. he texted,

sagutin mo tawag ko kung nasa bahay ka na

simpleng redeem hindi mo magawa

well kung sakit mo na mag sinungaling wala na ko magagawa....

maging totoo ka. malakas pakiramdam ko pag niloloko ako

kaw din ang gumagawa ng move para mawalan trust sayo ng mga tao

it really hurts... really really hurts.
eh tarantado pala to eh!!!!
im not lying. why would i, it's thursday. bakit ako gigimik kung alam kong may pasok pa ko
kinabukasan. fuck this shit!!!!

Instant Life-Changer

Im now taking arv's ... Surprise!

Yeah, it was really unexpected.

I planned to go to RITM for a check up.
I have a serious OI by the way. Haha.

The doctor checked me and run through my chart. She said, 'feeling ko
mas mababa na cd4 mo kesa dati (which was 282) kaya ka nagka ganyan'.
She even called a fellow doctor to confirm my condition.. 2 of them
decided to check my cd4 count but it was too early for September.
'kelangan mo na mag arv' they uttered. 'kasi kung ano ano na dumadapo
sayo,mababa na cd4 mo'. What??!! I was really caught of guarded.. Wala
na ko nagawa! They even called Dr. Ditangco for approval. Oh my, i was
just here to have my oi checked and now im pressured with arv's ..
lols. Ok fine so be it! Take it take it..

They prescribed me

Truvada and Isentress...

Common, of course not!

Lamivudine + Zidovudine + Nevirapine

it's my 2nd take of NVP and thank god for no adverse rashes :)

it was an instant life changing regimen, if others were very latent
and trying to avoid it, but for me, i look forward every 12pm and
12am.

My new bestfriends:

Lamivudine
Zidovudine
Nevirapine, for now
Acyclovir, for my oi treatment
Azithromycin
Co-trimaxazole
Ascorbic Acid
Vitamin B complex
Multivitamins
Isopropyl and Ethyl alcohol
Sulfur and Triclosan based soaps

hopefully my cd4 count will jump from 282 to 400+ haha cross-fingers!


Ta!

Round About

Last Saturday, Ma and his friends planned to join the yoga session by
Pa. It got cancelled by any chance and they called in to meet me in
Shangrila. Fine, another last minute cancellation. Ma and I were not
in the good mood, as you can see from my last blog, i let him feel
that i was really upset, angry and so frustrated of what he is doing..

I met Ma and a good friend of his, E. And went our way for some
afternoon coffee and chitchat. Things were not really in the scene coz
of my rage.

Cutting it short, inaway ko siya ng bongga and threw all my anger ang
angst. He did the same, and we were doing it in the presence of his
good friend.. Well, nakakahiya din. But ok na din kesa hindi ko pa
masabi. Went out for a dinner, still with Ma, E and now.. E's ex. What
a complicated scenario. I felt a library-silence and awkward moments
between us. We parted ways with silence, them, going to Laguna for a
party event and me, going home.. I decided to spend my time alone.

The day after, Sunday, of course.. Im still an existing human entity
with feelings... I felt guilty of what I did. So I said sorry... And
there you go, bati na uli kami..

Several days after, eto we're arguing again! Another trust issue. I
dont know if i did something wrong or what.

I couldnt believe that being honest can lead to a senseless argument.
Here's what happened...

Way before, we argued about my ex being my officemate. Seeing each
other and sometimes having an unintentional lunch get together, of
course with my other colleagues. A while ago, my ex sent me a message
asking a favor and wants to entrust me of his belonging, so i took my
lunch break and we met in the pantry, chit chatted for a while and did
his purpose.

Co-incidentally, Ma texted and asked kung sino kasabay ko mag lunch..
I was honest, i told him i was with my ex and King.
The rest was history.. Argue argue argue.

Sheeeeesh.. When this gonna end?
is patience really a virtue?


Ta!

Acting Up

All the Lovers - Kylie Minogue

All stimulants and depressants are onto me, what's happening?

Well aside from the burdens mentioned from the previous post, here comes another one.
It's not really a big issue but it really affects my emotional capabilities,

My partner (slash) / date (another slash) / bf to be? is acting up.
I can say immaturity is prevailing, (graduate na ko sa mga ganitong tao, so no big deal) AGAIN.


1. he's too paranoid, every friend, officemate, best friend and person that I text/call/speak to eh may issue. He's too paranoid to think that i'm messing up with him. He even sneaked into my phone and checked all the messages with out me knowing it. I can't blame him nor his past for acting such.. but common man! live in the future and don't dwell yourself from the past. grow up pls.

2. trust issue. cutting it short, HE'S NOT TRUSTING ME.
i think i dont have to explain this.. coming from the horse's mouth.

3. proximity and stability issues. (can really be compromised, but for me plays a crucial role in a relationship) he's from the south, San Pablo, Laguna to be exact. As of now he doesn't have a job since he got sick and still catching up from the loss. He's doing ok now, more than kicking.. he can now fuck ass.

Ok, you might think that I'm too materialistic regarding this but hey, reality bites.
I don't even see the urge and initiation of redeeming himself.. he's like tamad pa.
Maybe it's a sick hang over? Hey, time is running..

I can't elaborate the things happened to us, but what i feel now is certainly different from the time i met him last Self-Empowerment seminar. Things really do change.

I think we should get to know deeper and build the "TRUST" thingy..

I'm not happy.

Ta!

2010 is the worst

As I am writing this blog, rains from the clouds fall so as tears from my eyes..

It seemed that everybody is busy even the blog world guys, no recent and new posts lately.

The title is pretty straight forward. 2010 is the worst.

Every problem and burden were thrown all this year,

financial woes, some personal matters and being sero-converted. I know that I'm a strong person, I usually hurdle all of my problems by myself and I'm proud to say that I can really surpass them out.

Change is the only constant thing in this world, it seems that I can't no longer handle things just the way I did before. As what I learned from the Empowerment seminar,

to lessen your burdens share them, take the risk of letting other know what you feel for they might help you out.

ok, share my problems and burdens, which I really normally don't do.
I tried sharing them and yes, It helped but It's still me... me, who can fix these things.

nasa diyos ang awa nasa tao ang gawa

now, I don't know what to do.. Im tired of crying, my Lacrimal glands are numb na.


Im slowly giving up.. I can't see any reason for me to hold on tight...

White Weekend

Weekend was a great one. It really didn't start that good, Saturday was the day me and Ma - the spark guy will meet. The week before, everything was planned and all settled until last minute changes arose.
All of a sudden, he must go to RITM for a blood test. He arrived in the institution early morning and finished early. Since he's from San Pablo, he got no place to stay. I was in deep sleep so no text came from me and i wasn't able to accommodate him. I woke up with a notice from him that he's already in Glorietta, i got pissed of since that's not what we talked about. I am in rage for a reason that he doesn't have a place to stay to, he's in Glorietta for around 4-5 hours doing nothing.

I really stick to certain planned schedule, so i go gaga every time my plans are messed up.

Hindi man lang nya sinabi agad, plans are messed up. Eh kung sinunod nya yung mga bilin ko then you don't have to suffer from doing nothing and just waiting in vain.

As a consequence, i prepared and got of the house around 430. I may sound rude, eh ganun eh..

Ok, enough with the fight scenes. We met and got eye to eye contact... Everything's ok.
We talked about what happened and there you, happy again. We took dinner and went for some coffee while spending and wasting some extra time for the party. Ma introduced his bestfriend and off we go to Malate.

It's time to party.. my first white party event. The crowd was so-so. There are the cuties, the hunks, the fags, the old friends and new ones. It's like the same old Malate set up it’s just that the street was dense.

Met some old friends and the pozzie friends. Stayed up until 3am and we decided to look for an overnight stay place, I texted S, a fellow poz blogger and luckily he's available! We rushed to far north and got there at almost 430am, bought some midnight snacks and freshened up. Making and sharing some stories, interest and chismis made the day.

The stay became exciting when the sun rose and we got another chance to make chismis. Ma and I were made an impression of S as a suicidal emo, he needs a partner, Ma uttered.

'hmm, ireto kaya natin si Ja – the fedora-hat-fashionista guy from the self-empowerment seminar, maybe mag click silang dalawa? Pareho naman silang into photography at maliit.. Haha'

we set up the 2 guys, gave Ja's number and facebook and there you go.. after ng ilang text, magkausap na agad sa phone. Seems that they're into it..

Tummy's roaring for some lunch and we were puzzled on what to pig out. S suggested sauteed sardines and Ma wants scrambled egg. Tag hirap eh, sa Tuesday pa kasi ang sweldo so we need to compromise.. They prepared stuffs and fixed some things. Time for lunch and it turned out they cooked the meal to almost perfection. Yummy!

Ayun, magkatext paren si S at J. Mukang ok sila..

Time for S's work and we need to go home na. Went out of the farthest part of civilization around 6pm and into Makati by 8pm. We parted ways and Im gonna drop off Ma by the bus station off to Laguna. We took a small and fast dinner date and parted ways.

for sure, till now magka text or call mates paren si S at J.. Haha, so kilig.

Hey S let us know what happened ha? Aabangan kita sa office! Hahaha.. Evil grin.


Ta!

Testing the Waters

Me and M, the spark guy, met for the second time..

Wednesday. He went to RITM for a skin rash check and Efavirenz prescription, since he's not really into NVP. He stayed a bit longer in the lounge and went to my office for dinner. We only got 1 hr so we maximized our time, he asked me if he can stay overnight.. I don't know for what reason, but I said yes. I gathered all my possible palusots with my mom since I'll be bringing home a stranger. He waited for me in the office lounge for 4 hours and there you go..

4 hours? Oh my.. I can't do that, San Pablo to Alabang then to Makati? I really appreciate that effort!

We agreed to walk from RCBC tower to EDSA Ayala, this way we can spend more time on chit chatting and knowing each other.

Rode the bus, the infamous habal-habal and finally got home. I introduced him to my mom as my officemate. Prepared stuffs, bought some foods and went for another round of chit chat.

Time passed by and Of course, 2 guys in a room?? What do you expect.. we did something kinky. He's kinda rough and thirsty for some hot action, as we are doing it, it crossed my mind that it seems that this guy only wants sex and after this, wala na. A totally different feeling for me. Well, it's our 2nd meet and we had sex... What's new? He was the 2nd guy maliban sa ex ko na dinala ko sa bahay and did it.
I really felt that I was treated as an seb.

Ok, it turned the round table for me.. Iba talaga eh. We slept together and had brunch and he decided to drop me off sa office. We parted ways.

We're still exchanging messages and talking over the phone so maybe it's a sign na mali yung nasa isip ko. But then again, the feeling changed a bit. Maybe I'm just thinking too deep and raw for me to conclude something, but for now im still testing the waters. Maybe things are going too fast and i am overwhelmed of what is happening, i'll let this sit for now and start to wait what might happen next.

Our next meet is on Saturday, he and his friends are inviting me for the upcoming white party in Malate. It's my first time so i'll to wait for new things.


Ta!

All Spark

The Spark Guy

It’s been a long time since i felt this, a spark. Spark, you feel a connection between him and you.. You feel like you've known each other well.

He's M, i met him a couple of days ago in the self-empowerment seminar. It started out on the first day, remember that i was hesitant to enter the room and tried to squeeze in myself in the round table? He was the one who caught my attention first, not just head turning for the 2nd time but for more than 6 times. He has a good sense of fashion and he's quite tall at 5'11! Although he's a bit skinny for his frame and got rashes from Nevirapine, he's still cute.. He's my crush from the group.

As i sat in the round table with bunch of dynamic people, he's the type of a talk-inviting guy coz of his light face and smile.. I really like his eyes, on how his chinito eyes were constructed. I can sense he's a friendly one. Moments after, i can see in my peripheral vision that he's looking at me and i think he wants to start a conversation. Ako naman, suplado effect as if i don't notice anyone.. He found some confidence and approached me with some small talks.....

M: you look familiar
Z: you too! (which is totoo naman talaga)
M: i think i saw you somewhere maybe Gov or Bed.
Z: ah! Sorry, but i havent been there ever since.. Maybe you work in Makati...

He's really now my crush, i dont know but he got me. Lols
The conversation goes until its lunch time. I sat beside him together with E, the so suplado, scary, serious guy that could kill with his banat and pambara.

He's directly opposite of me on roundabout and i can always see his face and moves.. Ok, my friend R is already teasing me... Ok ok! I admit, crush ko sya and i like him. First impression was applauded.

I was really suprised when i learned that he's gonna share with me and J the room for the night... Hmmm

so there you go, we were just inside the room having a little chit chat.. J was on the other room having fun with the other boys.

Hmmm.. This is getting intimate. I won’t get into details, haha lols.

During the stay of the seminar, i confessed that i liked him. (my first time of doing that, maybe an influence of the seminar topic about disclosure) and it turned out that he likes me too.. No more drama or frills.

After the seminar, Me, him and D - the girly gay decided to have some chit chat over coffee.. And so we did. He was fun to be with. Also D. We were full of chismis and cute stories to tell. We went home and parted ways, M is from Laguna so i decided to drop him off in a nearby terminal. Got home and got spontaneous exchanging sms and calls.

I know it's too early to tell, let’s test the waters and see if this will work out. I'm sure it will.

Take care, redeem yourself M. ;p

Ta!

Post Seminar Period

The Self-Empowerment seminar was really fun, i got the chance of meeting new good friends and ease my longing burden regarding the condition. I was even trying to back out when I knew Becky wouldn't come.. Courage really pays.

I can't say that I am already empowered just the day after the seminar, there are still a lot of realization to make. The seminar was an eye opener for me and it really gave me the opportunity to see things differently.

The fun part of the seminar was about the personal introduction and the dear friend part. Tears were also shed but not too much as what I expected. The mixture of dynamics of the team made the experience a perfect one, there's the funny and loud type, the matured ones, the suplados, the kiddy jugglers, the reseverved ones, the smart and witty and almost everything you can think of. You would know who can be of a long term friend and who's not, but regardless.. it was fun!

Disclosure was one of the most tackled issue on the seminar. You take the risk of disclosing everything for you to gain either love or hate.. Basically that's it.

And because of that, I decided to spill my condition to an ex-date of mine. Last night he texted me after he got my number attached in my message for him in a personal website. I can say na bati na kami since i felt the his warm welcome of a new friendship. At first I was really hesistant and awkward of spilling the bean, i went along the bushes and got lots of uhm's, ahh's' and eh's.. He now knows, and he' relaxed. It was a pretty straight forward conversation, i know he's intelligent and he would understand everything.. He did! He was even grateful coz i let him realize my condition now. But after a while he's not talking to me anymore.. Maybe it's a two-faced risk for me.. None the less, i did my part.

What's in store for me after the seminar? Im not sure... I can't tell, i would know when i cross the bridge and get there.

Ta!

Great Weekend

I just got home from an overnight training seminar held by RITM.
Self-Empowerment training.
Im doing this blog while my memory is still good like fresh fish from the sea.. excited to dive back into the water.

I registered months ago together with Becky, I was excited then since it's my first time to attend such event. Days were like speed cars and now it's time for the said event. Unfortunately Becky cant't make it because of some personal liabilities. So most likely, IM ALONE!

The day has come and I prepared myself a bit late since I know for myself that everybody is practicing the Filipino Time. lols. I arrived in City State Tower at around 1030am. I passed by the hall and saw a bunch of guys and Dr. D and R. I was a little afraid and totally shy since I think i'm late (it really pays to be early, i wont experience the grand entrance!) lols, i cant go in since i'm way too nervous.. i decided to wait in the lounge and tried to gasp for confidence and right timing, minutes later Ate Beth came (thank you Lord!) she accompanied me inside and there you go...

I sat in the round table and tried to squeeze myself in the filled one.. a girly-gay offered me a space, a sigh of relief for me, tried to roll my eyes on every people in front of me and saw several guys of all ages..

Here goes the characters (i'll try to extract my memory the best as i can):

Ron- a dance instructor from a famous gym center. FF
Da - the sweet and pretty girly-gay.
Re - the reserved and defensive late comer. Has wife but vulnerable to both M/F encounters.
Er - a scary, masungit, suplado, so serious guy. He's cute.
Rom - a previous ship worker
Jo - a playful, child-like guy.. sorta cute.
Ja - a friend of mine, the fedora hat fashionista guy.
Ju - a super quiet type from Palawan.
Ry - the engineer.
Jos - the straight guy.
Ge - hmmm, not really familiar..
Ki - the so mature thinker advertising guy.
Be - from PAFPI?
Lo - H4 guy.
Za - me?
Ma - my crush :D. spark guy, hihih

Activities went well, the introduce yourself part, story of your life, career planning, emotion handling, self image enhancement and all those stuffs primarily designed for empowering people.
The activities were so fun and got the opportunity to learn everyone's struggle in life.

As the night went by, we parted ways on our designated rooms.. luckily, i have Ja with me, and Ma, yikeee. lols.. landi!
I dont wanna go onto details on this.. :D haha
We went to each others room to meet and greet some of the fellow attendees.
Went to sleep and there you go.... :D

2nd day was a great one as expected, lots of fun activities and sharing. Time was running too fast and the day were almost set. some cried and some laughed. it was all fun. It's time to part ways as the older batches or should i say the tenured ones arrived and invited us for dinner. It's not really a good time for Da, me and Ma (:D) to have dinner so we went on a separate way, strolled down RP and went on coffee and had some little chit chat.. chismis!

A lot of realizations were instilled in my mind. maybe i will have this on my next blog post.
but for now, i wont keep this long, it was really a great experience and a fun to be with group.
Most importantly Met new friends of the same wave length and a chance to share ideas and be more socially and emotionally responsible. All thanks to Dr. R and the organizers of the seminar. :)


Ta!

Lightning strikes more than once

Had some random events happened during the past weekend...

Now im already stressed (again) with the thought of me having a serious opportunistic infection..
A respiratory system related one, it could be either TB, pneumonia (which i have a gut feeling) or histoplasmosis (which i doubt). Well i have to wait until next week for the result of my xray and to submit again another set of sputum specimen. Friday, I was working peacefully when i got an sms message from R. This is how he texted,

Di ko alam na ganito wala ng kasiguraduahn ang buhay ko.. malungkot ang mga araw ko kahit kasama ko kayo (his friends). Alam ko kayoy aking napapasaya pero pag tayoy naghiwahiwalay na. Oras koy malungkot na.

ok, maybe he's depressed or sad because of something, but come to think of it, a group message with this kind? i dont think so... i replied (from what i remembered)

dont spread negativity, always think positive....

then all of a sudden he said...

Wag na natin itago ang totoo na paranag tumigil na ang mundo mo.. Tanggapin ang tadhana na tayoy abnormal na.

What the?! what is he trying to point out? he's already getting into my nerves while we argue with his pathetic statements until i got this message from him..

wag ka magmasakara na animoy naka ngiti ka, dahil hindi mo maitatatwa na isa kang pugita

Fuck this bitch! if i were beside this guy, he'll get an black eye...
my god, he's so desperate.. of having a relationship or something, basta punyeta talaga!
i can't blame him if he felt this way, but please... don't spread the negativities. others can help but you don't have to express yourself as such..

I owe this guy for giving me company when i enrolled in RITM.. for now, i hate him for doing that. though he said "im sorry..."



Saturday, Those what he said ran into my mind. Im abnormal, isolated from the normal ones..
i've been here and i already moved on but when he said this, it came back again and made me depressed. I was in the office and talked to no one, i hit on my ipod and played all the songs to divert all my feelings. After work, i decided to take sweets coz i know it will help lessen my burden.. i dont have an idea of where to go, i walked from RCBC to Ayala MRT and finally decided to go to San Miguel by the Bay and treat myself for a Starbucks. Still depressed i ordered a venti iced mocha and a chilled apple fritter, the barista is cute.. he's friendly and i tried to start a mini conversation by asking how can he make my iced mocha sweeter. ok, i think he's smart coz of the way he speaks... Luckily there was a vacant seat, im enjoying my sweets when suddenly... my ipod turned off and battery's drained! oh no... this can't be!
I don't save songs on my phone so there's no use... tsk.

Instead, i went on my usual past time... Watching people. Quite fulfilled, but the depression has stricken back. Thanks to R! (sarcastically)

Ta!