- The Chemistry Guy
- The Chemistry of everyday life, an HIV blogger. Twitter: @tcghiv | Email: tetrahydroziline@gmail.com
Showing posts with label living with HIV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living with HIV. Show all posts
I Just Need Not To Talk To Anyone
Talking about introversion, I found this 9gag photo while browsing on work. Yes, I do internet browsing while at work.
This is the description to pound for. No more buts or ifs.
Hobbies or activities that will make sound if a person is Introvert:
Playing video games (check)
Watching movies
Traveling (check)
Playing musical instrument
Or anything that describes an activity that can be done alone.
Photo credit: See watermarks.
How I Like My Coffee
It's almost a year since I'm working on a graveyard shift. I must say, I no longer want this schedule. I was just forced to take this schedule than no have no work at all. I work for an IT-software company which explains everything. Since the beginning of this work, I'm starting to appreciate the value of coffee. When I was a kid up until recently, I'm no coffee drinker. I do take on some occasion but not as heavy as today. Every working day, I can manage to free up my tummy for 3 cups of coffee. Just don't give me the strong plain black coffee with no sugar, milk, creamer or whatsoever.
This post is not about me as a coffee drinker (novice, that is) but how I consume them up. The introvert way.
During office days - or should I say nights, I always start my day to perk up. That is, either buy coffee from a nearby shop of just get a plain vendo-coffee, either way works for me. I have a large mug that is good for 2 on a single serving, if i feel the need for more action.. I can instantly use 3 servings, so that's 6 all in.
The most exciting part is when I end up on a weekend and having my cup of coffee alone. If no invite from from friends or appointments on weekends, I usually do my "me time" - that is most of the time. After watching a movie or dining out by myself and since I don't want to disrupt my body "graveyard" body clock, I go to some coffee shops and have a sip before going home. This way, even though at the wee hours of the night, I'm still awake. Sleep is now the far most important thing in this world - after coffee.
Any variants will do, as long as I get to sit down and watch people while I slowly consume my stuff. Yes, this is how I take my coffee during my "me time - watch people as they pass by. It's quite an exciting activity for me coz I see a lot of different stories while sipping my hot, smoking and aroma-full drink. As long as I have a cup, a chair to relax to and my iPod, then the day is complete.
Don't think I'm mean coz that's what most introverts do. We watch people and create stories behind what we see. We gather up and collect energy from within using what we see or observe. That's what I do. maybe it's different from others.
Observing other for my own pleasure is a good experience. It creates an introspective art of well being which makes me realize how should I be thankful of and what should I be having insecurities with. I do this a lot, maybe twice in a month or so. Some of my friends are so curious on how I manage to be alone. To each his own. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely, it's just a way your mind collects energy and caring for one's own dimension. This is one way of reviving pleasure - through solidarity.
There are several needs for this - either I reward myself for some small achievement, a time-off from a stressful week or contemplate on some depressive moments.
My coffee time is my me-time. If you happen to see someone alone, having a sip, listening to iPod and just watching people pass by. Remember The Chemistry Guy.
*I can do this for hours up until closing time.
My Promiscuity pt. 3
Disclaimer:
*these things happened or were done on the safest act they and I could possibly do.
History really repeats itself. As they say - "do it once, shame on you but do it twice, shame on me"
The first instance happened, which I posted a couple of years ago, My Promiscuity pt. 1 indeed happened again. It was just recent as I write, like 3 days ago. Let me share what were the events.
It all started during the wee hours of the night - very late at night at around 3am (it should be morning). I was bored and got no one to talk to so I decided to open my "gay dating mobile app" (if you're gay, use a smartphone like iPhone or Android phones perhaps you surely know this). After some few minutes, this guy - let's call him WEIRDO, sent a message asking for my location. Proximity is so close we can get to see each other in less than 15minutes. Ever since I started using this MOBILE APP, I'm seeing him within reach. I really don't talk to conceited guys which do show on his display photo. Ok, he's manly endowed and I'm not. I admit, I'm not the most manly like guy you'll meet but of course I know how to act in accordance.
He sent a couple of his photos and dick pics (I knew by then, he was looking for a hookup). He's not that cute nor my type but he's hot. Hot in a way that he's a gym bud, his chest at biceps are so toned you'll gonna be looking at it instead of his face. A shrimp maybe.
The insisting game began, he demand for me to go to his place right away coz he's so horny and wanna fuck like hell. I'm having doubts since it's already 4am. I'm delaying me replies hoping he would ignore me, but after seeing my photos - he then demanded more for this "early morning-rooster beating hookup". I still hesitant to since, I'm too lousy to move and go away from my bed. But after a couple of hours... I gave up. Alright fine, wait for me and I'll go to your place, meet me at your front yard within 10mins.
I went there, we met halfway across the street and man, he truly is hot. Well, not really cute. We went inside the house and sat on the couch. I noticed that there's this loud stereo upstairs and asked who's with him, he answered honestly "I'm with my housemates". It was like, "oh fuck, not again."
We started making out on the couch, I'm really into him since he's hot. Then he asked for us to go upstairs, "ok, I knew it.. another orgy thing" I declined and said I'm not really into group fun. I said let's just wait for "them" to come down and be on our turn. Several minutes later, THEY went down WEIRDO pulled my hand and went upstairs. We went into the room and totally made out. This is where is acting weird, I don't know if he's just making it up but I found it weird.. he was like "you know what I like you, you're a good kisser, I'm now your boyfriend, I love you" Hmm, ok..
Then a few minutes later, the door opened - I knew it was the other 2 guys who went down earlier. Then suddenly I felt someone is kissing my legs and what not.. Oh god, I knew this was gonna happen. I can no longer do anything, I'm on a point of no return. Fuck.
WEIRDO whispers and continuously apologizing for what is happening. I can no longer do anything but to go with the flow. I said to him, "you need to take care of me, I don't want this and please don't let him fuck me". In all fairness, he did and didn't left my side. Good.
I let the other 2 guys feel that I'm not really into this and they felt it. But this "MR CLEAN" guy, is insistent as well he lurks and gets in the way if there's a chance and when me and WEIRD are not with each other. Oh freak, I know he has a big dick but common you're not my type. Seriously dude. A bald mature dirty old man type. Please. He even takes photos of our behind. Oh common, you're such an indecent pig!
The assembly was a total casual setting. WEIRDO and I are doing it and the other 2 were like cleaning the room - lights off. It was like a scene on some gay porno, poppers and fuck everywhere.
The other 2 left the room and WEIRDO and I had the chance to be alone. This is the part where I enjoyed the most. He's good in bed and he felt that I am too. We were "sexually compatible" and I joined his weirdness. I went to his game like we were like partners doing an intimate moment covered under a no-strings-attached stuff.
I asked who are these guys, he said they are his "room mates". I asked, why are you renting a their place. He said, "because MR CLEAN is my boss". That made me freak out. WHO ON EARTH WOULD DO THESE STUFF WITH YOUR OWN BOSS? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU'RE NOT ON YOUR UTMOST MENTAL STATE. MIND YOU, THEY WORK FOR THE COMPANY I'M EYEING OF GETTING INTO. NO!
There's the sunshine and everything was over. Now the challenge is getting up, preparing myself to leave and see their freaking faces - the other 2 guys. I went down, took a shower and hurriedly prepared and asked WEIRDO to accommodate me outside. Saw the faces, no words from me - like the grumpy cat and went out of the house.
If not for the other guys, I would really like WEIRDO. He's hot - body structure wise and somewhat nice. Somewhat. But upon analyzing things, they are into it the longest time.
*after reading this, I know you would think - "oh, The Chemistry Guy is too gentle, sweet, conservative and traditional." Hey, I just don't like orgy stuff, it make mes jealous once there's another guy touching the guy I do.
The Chemistry ZeitGUYst III
This should have been 2, I wasn't able to post one last 2011.
I have to say, 2012 was not my year. Started out failures early January, continued February and so on. Depression was the main killer of the year. Several mishaps happened and I wasn't mature enough on how to handle them.
This year's highlights, certain and uncertain.
1. My job anxiety. Early January, I transferred to the business corporate world. I had a hard time adjusting to the environment. It created a massive anxiety on my end and after 6 months of "not being happy", I decided to be in the IT world. With regard to work, so far so good.
2. A year of isolation. Perhaps the main contributor to my depression is isolating myself from the outside world. Did things like going out on a movie, coffee, playing console games and other stuff (being on routine) alone.
3. Last year 2011, I was diagnosed with anemia due to ARV's - Combivir. Hemoglobin count returned to normal.
4. Mid year of 2012, my CD4 dropped tremendously to from 610 to 406. I have no idea how it happened or what's the cause of it but later on it went back more than expected. Latest CD4 count is 710 units. No viral load tests since it will be done mid 2013, but VL is around 84 units.
5. Lady Gaga's Born This Way ball was truly a blast. Really enjoyed the night and got the chance to meet an old college crush. Thankful it all happened.
6. Quarter-life crisis. How I assess why a big chunk of my depression is still intact.
Weighing up the instances of 2012, indeed it wasn't that good. Major depressing events happened and was out of control.
End of the year was an eye opener of who can I trust with and act more maturely. These tested my stimulants and now learned something out of it.
I wish for 2013: peace of mind, more mature being and better decision making choices.
To all The Chemistry Guy blog readers, 2012 has passed - whether good or bad. Chances are are as good as changes. Hope you will have a good new year ahead. :)
A risk postulate
I engaged myself into the dating scene last month which didn't work well. I have heard that this guy (link) just ended his premature relationship... and the reason is me. I don't know how to understand and comprehend the meaning of this but why the hell I am involved with this?
When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to "in a relationship".. I said "whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf - I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected" and it did.
Now, he's claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don't typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).
Now, he's like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.
I have set things straight, I told him I'm not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don't know if he'll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.
One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.
Besides, he doesn't know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?
In relation to this, I have some postulates - assumptions or whatever you call it.
The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he's negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status... he declined and ran away. It's pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don't do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.
I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the "non-negotiable" factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, "he must be HIV negative". Ok... PASS.
This is getting into a trend. I won't take a risk.
I'm not really talking about "in general", there are still some guys who are really open minded - those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I'm just wondering - "WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!"
When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to "in a relationship".. I said "whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf - I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected" and it did.
Now, he's claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don't typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).
Now, he's like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.
I have set things straight, I told him I'm not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don't know if he'll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.
One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.
Besides, he doesn't know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?
In relation to this, I have some postulates - assumptions or whatever you call it.
The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he's negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status... he declined and ran away. It's pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don't do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.
I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the "non-negotiable" factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, "he must be HIV negative". Ok... PASS.
This is getting into a trend. I won't take a risk.
I'm not really talking about "in general", there are still some guys who are really open minded - those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I'm just wondering - "WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!"
Song Connection - More to Life
"(There's Gotta Be) More To Life" - Stacie Orrico
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing
I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed...
Like what Tim Burton said
If you've ever had that feeling of loneliness, of being an outsider, it never quite leaves you. You can be happy or successful or whatever, but that thing still stays within you.Tim Burton
World AIDS Day 2012
Here's my simple tribute to World AIDS Day 2012. I don't know how to commemorate this event so I created a photo.
Sharing the right information is best advocacy. By means of this simple photo, I pass the hope and light.
Sharing the right information is best advocacy. By means of this simple photo, I pass the hope and light.
Sunrise
Expecting sooner or later, that the sun will rise and clears all darkness. Leaving warmth and empressement.
Quarter-life Crisis and Insecurity
I'm 26 and I can say I'm running on this quarter life crisis.
Let's try to define quarter life crisis:
As per Wikipedia,
"The quarter-life crisis is a period of life following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult."
As of the time being, I don't know where I'm leading to. Feels that I lack identity or something that can be associated with me.
Still contemplating of why at this point of my life, I haven't reached something. If you were to ask me what's my greatest achievement to date... I can't think of any.
The least that I can relate to was I managed to finish college while working. Yeah, I was a working student way back. Struggled between the schedule of work, school, sleep and social being.
Another is, I'm working for one of the known software companies. Prolly, you have use one of its products. But not really, it's too early to tell and I can't write something on a hard stone since my mind is still at unease. Still at the "associate" level. That is.
The reason why I'm feeling all these is maybe because I'm putting too much pressure to myself. Pressure that is caused by being surrounded with successful people at this early stage of life.
I browsed my Facebook friends the other week and checked their status, profiles and information. Nearly all of them, if not, most of them are on their "peak" careers.
Perhaps this is an envious approach from my perspective and I admit it. I know it's too early for this melodrama of some shit but it's just how the way I feel. Of course, I can't keep it... hence this blog post.
There's a strong emergence that I lack identity or any association that can be related to myself.
If you hear the name "the chemistry guy"... not much importance or something that will stick to your mind.
I'm starting to get tired of being an observant kind of guy, it keeps me staring and thinking for something that somebody has which I don't have.. I'm lacking of a thing that I can be proud of.
These two - quarter life crisis and insecurity are a perfect combination that adds up to the depression that is currently building up on my end.
A solution I'm trying to find is, how to battle these out, maybe just go with flow? or let it pass - "this too shall pass"? or try to compete with those who already have established their own?
It may sound that this post reflects me as something or somewhat... I don't care, I assume this is better than me keeping what I really feel.
As of now, I'm just tired of planning and contemplating. I want a life where I can't feel anything nor think of anything.
This issue has been with me for the past months, maybe early 2012. I just pray that sooner or later this will fade away.
Still trying to see the bright side.
Let's try to define quarter life crisis:
As per Wikipedia,
"The quarter-life crisis is a period of life following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult."
As of the time being, I don't know where I'm leading to. Feels that I lack identity or something that can be associated with me.
Still contemplating of why at this point of my life, I haven't reached something. If you were to ask me what's my greatest achievement to date... I can't think of any.
The least that I can relate to was I managed to finish college while working. Yeah, I was a working student way back. Struggled between the schedule of work, school, sleep and social being.
Another is, I'm working for one of the known software companies. Prolly, you have use one of its products. But not really, it's too early to tell and I can't write something on a hard stone since my mind is still at unease. Still at the "associate" level. That is.
The reason why I'm feeling all these is maybe because I'm putting too much pressure to myself. Pressure that is caused by being surrounded with successful people at this early stage of life.
I browsed my Facebook friends the other week and checked their status, profiles and information. Nearly all of them, if not, most of them are on their "peak" careers.
Perhaps this is an envious approach from my perspective and I admit it. I know it's too early for this melodrama of some shit but it's just how the way I feel. Of course, I can't keep it... hence this blog post.
There's a strong emergence that I lack identity or any association that can be related to myself.
If you hear the name "the chemistry guy"... not much importance or something that will stick to your mind.
I'm starting to get tired of being an observant kind of guy, it keeps me staring and thinking for something that somebody has which I don't have.. I'm lacking of a thing that I can be proud of.
These two - quarter life crisis and insecurity are a perfect combination that adds up to the depression that is currently building up on my end.
A solution I'm trying to find is, how to battle these out, maybe just go with flow? or let it pass - "this too shall pass"? or try to compete with those who already have established their own?
It may sound that this post reflects me as something or somewhat... I don't care, I assume this is better than me keeping what I really feel.
As of now, I'm just tired of planning and contemplating. I want a life where I can't feel anything nor think of anything.
This issue has been with me for the past months, maybe early 2012. I just pray that sooner or later this will fade away.
Still trying to see the bright side.
Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv
Accolades
I have some friends, whom they don't know I am a poz,
have accolades on persons living with HIV. There was one who told me that HIV
is only for those rich kids, I asked why and he said that only rich fellas only
afford to buy expensive medicines, ARV I assume, and have treatments on their
opportunistic infections. I talked to myself and asked, I'm not rich. Just an
average earning boy from down south. Good thing medicines are free, thanks to
Global Fund and the government health insurance. I was diagnosed way back 2010
and that was the year where almost everything is free. But now, there fees to
be collected. But still, almost 90% of costs are covered.
During the late 80's and 90's, after the onset of HIV
discovery, it was penned that the disease is for gay men alone as almost all
infected are gay men. The gay man's disease before it was named HIV. There was
a time when I was in RITM that I noticed a husband and wife who's both positive
and to take note that the wife is preggy. Another was a mother and daughter who
is also both positive. So again, this one is for everyone.
Someone told me that HIV, granting that the infected is
male, is for good looking men. That I cannot attest, but I have notice that
yeah most of the men living with HIV is indeed good looking. Either a model
like one, a hunk and the boy-next door
type one. It's not purely 100% true. Of course beauty is permanently
subjective. But what I know is this is somewhat true. *somewhat*
Another guy have told me, looking for a partner is almost
impossible. Totally wrong. I have friends who does have a partner of same
status, some are on a magnetic relationship - lucky them. And some just really
don't care, I mean they just want to have some fun, still meet for sex, do
pnp's and propose orgys. I just hope they're doing it safely. I don't have a
partner, but of course I wanted to, I wanna experience it again how does it
feel like having someone to share with. Been single for the longest time, 5 or
6 years I think. If chances permit, I would welcome it.
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