- The Chemistry Guy
- The Chemistry of everyday life, an HIV blogger. Twitter: @tcghiv | Email: tetrahydroziline@gmail.com
The Chemistry ZeitGUYst III
This should have been 2, I wasn't able to post one last 2011.
I have to say, 2012 was not my year. Started out failures early January, continued February and so on. Depression was the main killer of the year. Several mishaps happened and I wasn't mature enough on how to handle them.
This year's highlights, certain and uncertain.
1. My job anxiety. Early January, I transferred to the business corporate world. I had a hard time adjusting to the environment. It created a massive anxiety on my end and after 6 months of "not being happy", I decided to be in the IT world. With regard to work, so far so good.
2. A year of isolation. Perhaps the main contributor to my depression is isolating myself from the outside world. Did things like going out on a movie, coffee, playing console games and other stuff (being on routine) alone.
3. Last year 2011, I was diagnosed with anemia due to ARV's - Combivir. Hemoglobin count returned to normal.
4. Mid year of 2012, my CD4 dropped tremendously to from 610 to 406. I have no idea how it happened or what's the cause of it but later on it went back more than expected. Latest CD4 count is 710 units. No viral load tests since it will be done mid 2013, but VL is around 84 units.
5. Lady Gaga's Born This Way ball was truly a blast. Really enjoyed the night and got the chance to meet an old college crush. Thankful it all happened.
6. Quarter-life crisis. How I assess why a big chunk of my depression is still intact.
Weighing up the instances of 2012, indeed it wasn't that good. Major depressing events happened and was out of control.
End of the year was an eye opener of who can I trust with and act more maturely. These tested my stimulants and now learned something out of it.
I wish for 2013: peace of mind, more mature being and better decision making choices.
To all The Chemistry Guy blog readers, 2012 has passed - whether good or bad. Chances are are as good as changes. Hope you will have a good new year ahead. :)
Song Connection - Just So You Know
JESSE MCCARTNEY - JUST SO YOU KNOW
I shouldn't love you but I want to I just can't turn away I shouldn't see you but I can't move I can't look away
I shouldn't love you but I want to I just can't turn away I shouldn't see you but I can't move I can't look away
And I don't know How to be fine when I'm not 'Cause I don't know How to make a feeling stop
Just so you know This feeling's takin' control Of me and I can't help it I won't sit around I can't let him win now
I shouldn't love you but I want to I just can't turn away I shouldn't see you but I can't move I can't look away
And I don't know How to be fine when I'm not 'Cause I don't know How to make a feeling stop
Just so you know This feeling's takin' control Of me and I can't help it I won't sit around I can't let him win now
Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go Of you but I don't want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know
It's gettin' hard to be around you There's so much I can't say Do you want me to hide the feelings And look the other away
And I don't know How to be fine when I'm not 'Cause I don't know How to make a feeling stop
Just so you know This feeling's takin' control Of me and I can't help it I won't sit around I can't let him win now
Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go Of you but I don't want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know
This emptiness is killin' me And I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long Lookin' back I realize it was always there Just never spoken
I'm waitin' here Been waitin' here
Just so you know This feeling's takin' control Of me and I can't help it I won't sit around I can't let him win now
Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go Of you but I don't want to Just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know, just so you know
Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go Of you but I don't want to Just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know, just so you know
A risk postulate
I engaged myself into the dating scene last month which didn't work well. I have heard that this guy (link) just ended his premature relationship... and the reason is me. I don't know how to understand and comprehend the meaning of this but why the hell I am involved with this?
When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to "in a relationship".. I said "whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf - I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected" and it did.
Now, he's claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don't typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).
Now, he's like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.
I have set things straight, I told him I'm not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don't know if he'll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.
One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.
Besides, he doesn't know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?
In relation to this, I have some postulates - assumptions or whatever you call it.
The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he's negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status... he declined and ran away. It's pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don't do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.
I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the "non-negotiable" factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, "he must be HIV negative". Ok... PASS.
This is getting into a trend. I won't take a risk.
I'm not really talking about "in general", there are still some guys who are really open minded - those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I'm just wondering - "WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!"
When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to "in a relationship".. I said "whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf - I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected" and it did.
Now, he's claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don't typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).
Now, he's like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.
I have set things straight, I told him I'm not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don't know if he'll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.
One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.
Besides, he doesn't know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?
In relation to this, I have some postulates - assumptions or whatever you call it.
The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he's negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status... he declined and ran away. It's pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don't do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.
I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the "non-negotiable" factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, "he must be HIV negative". Ok... PASS.
This is getting into a trend. I won't take a risk.
I'm not really talking about "in general", there are still some guys who are really open minded - those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I'm just wondering - "WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!"
Assertion
Two weeks ago, just in time for the World AIDS Day celebration, it suddenly came into my mind to disclose my status to one of my ex. When I was having my CD4 test like 3 weeks ago, it popped my topsy-turvy mind that I need someone to be a confidant or someone to talk to regarding this (as suggested by Ate Ellen) and I thought of my ex. The reason is, I trust him more than anyone else. I know it has been more than 5 years since we parted ways but the trust is still there and cannot be undone.
Days like this I want to talk to someone and have a reliable shoulder to lean on so why not try.
Right that very moment I sent an sms asking us to meet over the weekend for some coffee and dinner. He asked why and what for, I told him just to come and we will be talking something serious about myself.
I still have a week to gain confidence and was thinking of how to do it.
The weekend came and was waiting from him to remind me that we are about to meet. No sms nor call.. no nothing from him. Sunday has passed and still, I was like a spider waiting for a damsel fly.
I asked a poz friend on how to deal with this, I asked whether if we can just talk over the phone or exchange messages. My friend told me not to - "you won't see his reactions once you disclosed your status" True enough.
I decided not to push through with it, perhaps my ex is not the best person to disclose my status. I am waiting for something from him that will make him a deserving guy to further give my trust to - ASSERTION.
Song Connection - More to Life
"(There's Gotta Be) More To Life" - Stacie Orrico
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing
I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed...
Like what Tim Burton said
If you've ever had that feeling of loneliness, of being an outsider, it never quite leaves you. You can be happy or successful or whatever, but that thing still stays within you.Tim Burton
Song Connection - Nobody Wants To Be Lonely
There you are in a darkened room
And you're all alone, looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
Come to me, come to me
Can't you see that
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body's longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely so why, why
Why don't you let me love you
Can you hear my voice, do you hear my song?
It's a serenade so your heart can find me, oh
And suddenly your flying down the stairs
Into my arms.
Before I start going crazy
Run to me, run to me
'Cause I'm dying
Know Your Status
Another photo I created in support of World AIDS Day. Sharing the information and knowing your status - this is how we celebrate this day.
World AIDS Day 2012
Here's my simple tribute to World AIDS Day 2012. I don't know how to commemorate this event so I created a photo.
Sharing the right information is best advocacy. By means of this simple photo, I pass the hope and light.
Sharing the right information is best advocacy. By means of this simple photo, I pass the hope and light.
Sunrise
Expecting sooner or later, that the sun will rise and clears all darkness. Leaving warmth and empressement.
Latest CD4 count
Visited Research Institute for Tropical Medicine last Friday for medicine refill and CD4 testing. Been a long time since I last went here. I came in very early at 6:45 am for CD4 testing. They recently changed the cut-off time for blood extraction to 7am-8am only. At this early, I'm already on the 9th spot from the line. The process changed and improved a bit from the previous topsy turvy scene. Their process is more effective but less efficient. It took me roughly 8 hours waiting in vain. CD4 results are released within the day, in most cases 11am, after lunch otherwise. Since I am about to refill, they told me to wait for the doctor since she will be the one providing the prescription. You will encounter a very long and pain-on-the-ass wait. I'm gonna to another post about the crucial wait-for-results experience.
So far, I'm thankful for the result. In time for Thanksgiving day.
From 406 units of CD4, it went up to 740 units.
This, perhaps, is one of the reason to be happy. Somehow, still thankful.
And oh by the way, I'm trying to resurface again. Struggling, but trying.
Follow me on Twitter @tcghiv
Song Connection - Wide Awake
I mostly connect my feelings and abstract thoughts to the songs I hear. That awesome moment when a song clearly expresses how and what you feel. I can easily connect to it and listen the whole day long. I am really into pop and its culture, so most of the songs I listen to are on the mainstream.
I can't stop myself listening to Katy Perry's Wide Awake.
I can't stop myself listening to Katy Perry's Wide Awake.
"I was in the dark I was falling hard With an open heart I'm wide awake How did I read the stars so wrong "
"I'm wide awake And now it's clear to me That everything you see Ain't always what it seems"
"I wish I knew then What I know now Wouldn't dive in Wouldn't bow down Gravity hurts"
"Falling from cloud nine Crashing from the high I'm letting go tonight I'm Falling from cloud 9"
"Thunder rumbling Castles crumbling I am trying to hold on God knows that I tried Seeing the bright side I'm not blind anymore "
I'm not really fond of telling what I feel to anybody, seems to be awkward. Song's my best way to express my inside and my mind. Maybe I'll be starting to post song lyrics here. I know you wouldn't read each line of the song.
Where's the bright side?
I have talked to Google and asked: How to see the bright side of life? Seriously.
I found this site for personal development asking questions about the bright side of life. There are 11 of them and I'm gonna answer it one by one.
1. Are you in good health?
If you are healthy, be grateful you are this way. Millions of people would give anything to be in your shoes, but they can’t because they are ill of some sort of disease. Think of those millions next time you feel there’s no bright side of things in your life.
So-so. I am in good health, that is, no opportunistic infection or whatever. But generally, not. I have an irreversible condition.
2. Have a family?
If you have a family, then know that there are over 143 million orphans in the world! So, you could say that you are luckier and have more to be thankful for than over 143.000.000 people!
I only have my mom left. I am the only kid of the home. I don't have a close-family relationship with 2nd degree relatives.
3. Do you have any friends?
If you have at least one friend to talk to then you are lucky. Believe it or not, some people just don’t have any friends at all. If you have more than one friend you are really doing great!
This is kinda difficult to answer. It may sound to be a loser.. but I only have a bit. I don't have the typical cliche friends who go out together and have fun.
4. Do you have a pet?
If you have one it’s great because some people can’t afford to raise a pet or they don’t have enough space to keep one. You should be grateful for your pet! Actually go ahead and give him a big, warm hug right now just for being there for you! And after you do that, give him another hug from me because I’m an animal lover too!
I used to.. from tropical fishes, rabbits and cats. I'm planning to have one though.
5. Do you have someone to call your better half?
If you have someone who cares for you and loves you then you are truly lucky! You should really be grateful for having that! Be grateful that you can love and are loved! Be grateful of all the moment you and him/her spend have spend and will spend together from now one! Cherish every second and live it at it’s full intensity! Many people don’t find someone like that their entire life.
Pretty obvious.. nope. I don't have any.
6. Do you live in a country with ongoing war?
This is a huge thing to be grateful for! Just look at what is happening right now in Iraq and just \think of how the people that live there must feel. Would you feel good if there was a good chance that today you would die of a hand grenade or a bullet to your head? It’s a little rough but that’s the way life is in Iraq. Tough and unforgiving.
I found this site for personal development asking questions about the bright side of life. There are 11 of them and I'm gonna answer it one by one.
1. Are you in good health?
If you are healthy, be grateful you are this way. Millions of people would give anything to be in your shoes, but they can’t because they are ill of some sort of disease. Think of those millions next time you feel there’s no bright side of things in your life.
So-so. I am in good health, that is, no opportunistic infection or whatever. But generally, not. I have an irreversible condition.
2. Have a family?
If you have a family, then know that there are over 143 million orphans in the world! So, you could say that you are luckier and have more to be thankful for than over 143.000.000 people!
I only have my mom left. I am the only kid of the home. I don't have a close-family relationship with 2nd degree relatives.
3. Do you have any friends?
If you have at least one friend to talk to then you are lucky. Believe it or not, some people just don’t have any friends at all. If you have more than one friend you are really doing great!
This is kinda difficult to answer. It may sound to be a loser.. but I only have a bit. I don't have the typical cliche friends who go out together and have fun.
4. Do you have a pet?
If you have one it’s great because some people can’t afford to raise a pet or they don’t have enough space to keep one. You should be grateful for your pet! Actually go ahead and give him a big, warm hug right now just for being there for you! And after you do that, give him another hug from me because I’m an animal lover too!
I used to.. from tropical fishes, rabbits and cats. I'm planning to have one though.
5. Do you have someone to call your better half?
If you have someone who cares for you and loves you then you are truly lucky! You should really be grateful for having that! Be grateful that you can love and are loved! Be grateful of all the moment you and him/her spend have spend and will spend together from now one! Cherish every second and live it at it’s full intensity! Many people don’t find someone like that their entire life.
Pretty obvious.. nope. I don't have any.
6. Do you live in a country with ongoing war?
This is a huge thing to be grateful for! Just look at what is happening right now in Iraq and just \think of how the people that live there must feel. Would you feel good if there was a good chance that today you would die of a hand grenade or a bullet to your head? It’s a little rough but that’s the way life is in Iraq. Tough and unforgiving.
No, so this is the first among the questions to be thankful of.
7. Are you a slave?
You might think: “What? There are no more slaves! What are you talking about?” Yes, you are right. There are no more slaves. But if you were born in 1800 for example, there’s a good chance you could be a slave right now. Never thought of it this way? Never thought how lucky you are because you live these times of freedom, no matter the color of your skin.
We no longer live in the Medieval era for this.
8. Can you read this line?
Some people can’t because they are blind. They would give an arm and a leg just to see again. If you can read this it means you have something that others only dream about. Use it and be grateful you have it.
9. Can you walk?
Some people are stuck in wheelchairs. If you’re not and you can walk just fine I’m glad for you. Look at your two legs and see them as a gift because they are. Just imagine how would you do without them and you will feel they are a gift, one bigger than you probably imagine.
10. Do you have two hands?
There are people that have to get through with only one hand or even worst. Imagine yourself having to go through life with only one hand or with no hands at all. How would life be for you? I really think that these sort o people, that have difficulties that others haven’t, are really the heroes of our world.
11. Are you capable of thinking?
Unfortunately some people can’t do that. They have all sort of diseases that just don’t allow them this luxury. Someone else has to look out for them and make decisions for them. Be grateful you can think and make your own mind about things. It’s a great thing you can.
The past 3 years of my blog existence, I have received more emails and replies than expected expressing their gratitude of how my blog helped them re-live the life, I think the world has turned its tables and it is I whom needs help. I am having a hard time seeing the brighter side.
Credits to:
http://www.razvandobre.com/11-Things-To-Be-Grateful-For-See-The-Bright-Side-Of-Life.html
Half-Hearted Rebound
I tried re-surfacing from the dating scene and it's kinda awkward. I have met this guy online, he was an "avid" follower of my social media posts, from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram and Foursquare. A year of likes, comments and online messages, he had this guts to ask my number and admit his interest in dating. I was a bit aloof of this because of my sero-status - I assume he's non-poz.
I finally gave up on his persistence for a date. We set a weekend for us to meet and planned what to do with the day. It was a normal date, we dined out, watched a movie and had a little chit chat over coffee. It was really so-so. I tend to hold back everything on my mind since I know I am dating a non-poz guy, yes I'm sort of uncomfortable of the situation - Here are the reasons:
1. In the long run, granting that all is well and went according to plan, it will be one step ahead of dating - that is, being new partners. And of course as a consequence, I have to disclose my sero-status. Two things will happen, either he accepts or rejects me.
1a. If he accepted me, then that would be great. But the consequences are just up ahead. Having a sero-discordant relationship is kinda heavy to take and requires a high level of responsibility. Responsibility of not infecting your negative partner.
Intimate relationship will surely suffer on both parties as the positive guy will be strictly conscious on every action to take. Even though there's the value of "safety", still you cannot blame the scrupulous mind of the poz guy.
1b. What happens in the event of rejection? Well, this will add or perhaps multiply to the burden and depression I am experiencing.
We have talked about his closest friends. Two of them are working for some very known pharmaceutical company. One of it is actually a maker of ARV drugs. I know these friends based on Facebook, since they all added me.. I don't why, but they did. And they are all of high profiled ones, not your average and ordinary guys on the block.
I'm not really sure if I can get along with these kinds of guys - well because I don't get along well with these class of people. I'd rather have a simple life without any complications. (I just avoiding reasons for me to be insecure, that is.)
Couple of weeks has passed, this guy is still up for another date. He's really into me I think. If you were to ask me, disregarding anything and of the absolute, there's no spark between us. Given my current situation, emotionally and mentally, I think I have to turn down and no longer be ahead of what is currently happening.
I'm just too scared. Trying to do a damage control or anything similar that will affect my emotional and mental being - anticipating that it may incur more damage. Too frightened to let my feelings flow - especially to a thing that I know I cannot hold onto.
If he was a known poz guy, then perhaps everything will be alright. I know I am thinking too much about it, its just the way it is.
Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv
I finally gave up on his persistence for a date. We set a weekend for us to meet and planned what to do with the day. It was a normal date, we dined out, watched a movie and had a little chit chat over coffee. It was really so-so. I tend to hold back everything on my mind since I know I am dating a non-poz guy, yes I'm sort of uncomfortable of the situation - Here are the reasons:
1. In the long run, granting that all is well and went according to plan, it will be one step ahead of dating - that is, being new partners. And of course as a consequence, I have to disclose my sero-status. Two things will happen, either he accepts or rejects me.
1a. If he accepted me, then that would be great. But the consequences are just up ahead. Having a sero-discordant relationship is kinda heavy to take and requires a high level of responsibility. Responsibility of not infecting your negative partner.
Intimate relationship will surely suffer on both parties as the positive guy will be strictly conscious on every action to take. Even though there's the value of "safety", still you cannot blame the scrupulous mind of the poz guy.
1b. What happens in the event of rejection? Well, this will add or perhaps multiply to the burden and depression I am experiencing.
We have talked about his closest friends. Two of them are working for some very known pharmaceutical company. One of it is actually a maker of ARV drugs. I know these friends based on Facebook, since they all added me.. I don't why, but they did. And they are all of high profiled ones, not your average and ordinary guys on the block.
I'm not really sure if I can get along with these kinds of guys - well because I don't get along well with these class of people. I'd rather have a simple life without any complications. (I just avoiding reasons for me to be insecure, that is.)
Couple of weeks has passed, this guy is still up for another date. He's really into me I think. If you were to ask me, disregarding anything and of the absolute, there's no spark between us. Given my current situation, emotionally and mentally, I think I have to turn down and no longer be ahead of what is currently happening.
I'm just too scared. Trying to do a damage control or anything similar that will affect my emotional and mental being - anticipating that it may incur more damage. Too frightened to let my feelings flow - especially to a thing that I know I cannot hold onto.
If he was a known poz guy, then perhaps everything will be alright. I know I am thinking too much about it, its just the way it is.
Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv
This Too, Shall Pass
adjective
1.
subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured.
2.
not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious.
3.
not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger.
4.
not firmly or reliably placed or fastened.
I have been experiencing this for the past months, I don't know why or how can I explain it, but as the meaning suggested by dictionary.. this is what I am feeling.
Fears, doubts, low self-esteem and uncertain.
I know I am thinking too much, but every moment that I am by myself, these seizes. Even on my subconscious mind, these haunts me in my dreams.
I'm on the extremes of either happiness and sadness, a bipolarity that is somewhat innate to me. I no longer have the control of my inner self .
Escaping from this reality comes in two terms - one is dream and the other is death. A temporary and permanent solution to escape from these feelings.
I'm trying to keep my mental and emotional equity but controls are loosing. Perhaps these are results of my 2.5 years of taking ARV's. I really don't know.
For an observant type like me, this is kind of a challenge. Seeing others happy, contented and knows how to pass each road block is envious. Even seeing stuff on the internet or watching movies/television triggers everything.
I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff. Ready to give up and just jump out of nowhere. Others, who may know me, might see how strong, alert and happy I am, but I gotta say... I'm not. A total parallel universe sits on my mind. Hiding my feelings towards myself and not letting anyone see it. Besides, I don't have any confidant. No real friends, no bestfriend and of course.
Funny it may seem but a simple Youtube video triggered my tear glands. Weird.
Sleepless and crying nights, heightened emotions and easily triggered bi-polarities. I'm too tired of seeing the bright side. I no longer walk the path heads up.
I hope that - "this too shall pass"
Trick or Treat
I wonder if vampires and zombies get HIV since they eat anything blood-related? My most anticipated world catastrophe is zombie apocalypse. Been an avid fan of zombie-themed movies, games and stuff. I think I am ready for one, I just hope it happen.. The thing is, I think I won't live that long since there will be a shortage of ARV. Oh well, I can't have it all.
Just posting to say Happy Halloween.. trick or treat, I want something good to eat - a dick perhaps? lols. Kidding.
Stay safe. Have yourself tested.
Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv
Just posting to say Happy Halloween.. trick or treat, I want something good to eat - a dick perhaps? lols. Kidding.
Stay safe. Have yourself tested.
Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv
Quarter-life Crisis and Insecurity
I'm 26 and I can say I'm running on this quarter life crisis.
Let's try to define quarter life crisis:
As per Wikipedia,
"The quarter-life crisis is a period of life following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult."
As of the time being, I don't know where I'm leading to. Feels that I lack identity or something that can be associated with me.
Still contemplating of why at this point of my life, I haven't reached something. If you were to ask me what's my greatest achievement to date... I can't think of any.
The least that I can relate to was I managed to finish college while working. Yeah, I was a working student way back. Struggled between the schedule of work, school, sleep and social being.
Another is, I'm working for one of the known software companies. Prolly, you have use one of its products. But not really, it's too early to tell and I can't write something on a hard stone since my mind is still at unease. Still at the "associate" level. That is.
The reason why I'm feeling all these is maybe because I'm putting too much pressure to myself. Pressure that is caused by being surrounded with successful people at this early stage of life.
I browsed my Facebook friends the other week and checked their status, profiles and information. Nearly all of them, if not, most of them are on their "peak" careers.
Perhaps this is an envious approach from my perspective and I admit it. I know it's too early for this melodrama of some shit but it's just how the way I feel. Of course, I can't keep it... hence this blog post.
There's a strong emergence that I lack identity or any association that can be related to myself.
If you hear the name "the chemistry guy"... not much importance or something that will stick to your mind.
I'm starting to get tired of being an observant kind of guy, it keeps me staring and thinking for something that somebody has which I don't have.. I'm lacking of a thing that I can be proud of.
These two - quarter life crisis and insecurity are a perfect combination that adds up to the depression that is currently building up on my end.
A solution I'm trying to find is, how to battle these out, maybe just go with flow? or let it pass - "this too shall pass"? or try to compete with those who already have established their own?
It may sound that this post reflects me as something or somewhat... I don't care, I assume this is better than me keeping what I really feel.
As of now, I'm just tired of planning and contemplating. I want a life where I can't feel anything nor think of anything.
This issue has been with me for the past months, maybe early 2012. I just pray that sooner or later this will fade away.
Still trying to see the bright side.
Let's try to define quarter life crisis:
As per Wikipedia,
"The quarter-life crisis is a period of life following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult."
As of the time being, I don't know where I'm leading to. Feels that I lack identity or something that can be associated with me.
Still contemplating of why at this point of my life, I haven't reached something. If you were to ask me what's my greatest achievement to date... I can't think of any.
The least that I can relate to was I managed to finish college while working. Yeah, I was a working student way back. Struggled between the schedule of work, school, sleep and social being.
Another is, I'm working for one of the known software companies. Prolly, you have use one of its products. But not really, it's too early to tell and I can't write something on a hard stone since my mind is still at unease. Still at the "associate" level. That is.
The reason why I'm feeling all these is maybe because I'm putting too much pressure to myself. Pressure that is caused by being surrounded with successful people at this early stage of life.
I browsed my Facebook friends the other week and checked their status, profiles and information. Nearly all of them, if not, most of them are on their "peak" careers.
Perhaps this is an envious approach from my perspective and I admit it. I know it's too early for this melodrama of some shit but it's just how the way I feel. Of course, I can't keep it... hence this blog post.
There's a strong emergence that I lack identity or any association that can be related to myself.
If you hear the name "the chemistry guy"... not much importance or something that will stick to your mind.
I'm starting to get tired of being an observant kind of guy, it keeps me staring and thinking for something that somebody has which I don't have.. I'm lacking of a thing that I can be proud of.
These two - quarter life crisis and insecurity are a perfect combination that adds up to the depression that is currently building up on my end.
A solution I'm trying to find is, how to battle these out, maybe just go with flow? or let it pass - "this too shall pass"? or try to compete with those who already have established their own?
It may sound that this post reflects me as something or somewhat... I don't care, I assume this is better than me keeping what I really feel.
As of now, I'm just tired of planning and contemplating. I want a life where I can't feel anything nor think of anything.
This issue has been with me for the past months, maybe early 2012. I just pray that sooner or later this will fade away.
Still trying to see the bright side.
Follow me on Twitter: @tcghiv
HIV's exponential growth in the Philippines
Disclaimer: The following post you are about to read is highly opinionated. So it is strongly suggested not to compare any kind of shit to this.
Recently, I have reading the news about the rising cases of HIV in the Philippines. Obviously the health officials are alarmed about the situation. If my data gathering were correct, Philippines is one of the 5 nations enlisted by WHO whose HIV cases are rising. So this means to say that others are effectively controlling the situation. Then why in the world Philippines' HIV are on the loose?
I think there are 2 sides of the story here:
1. The health ministry and some HIV-advocate non-government organizations (NGO) are being proactive to "shove" off the untested individuals to get tested for their sero status. They're setting up free test centers every week or so, encouraging everyone to get tested. So basically, the increased number means these are piled up cases of individuals who just got tested, well supposedly they should have tested way long before.
Due to media hype and scare, the general population is getting aware of the increasing numbers, as a result, they will have themselves tested through the free testing centers held up by the health ministry and NGO's. You know what, the word TEST and its other forms are so used in this story.
Philippines is one heck of a conservative country, primarily because of the Spanish influence brought during the times of early civilization. Added to it, the dipshits of the religious groups.
Due to this conservativeness of the Filipino people, they were unable to embrace the technlogical and medical advances of the world. Leading to idiocy. Not knowing what to do and what to expect from the consequences of every action.
I think sex education is the top priority when it comes to HIV/AIDS prevention, it will not teach people how to be promiscuous but it will teach the what nots, what ifs, how to do it and every crap of sexual intercourse.
If you don't know how to use a condom, then dude, you are in big trouble. Tons of questions are being sent to my email and Planet Romeo account - examples are "What are the symptoms of HIV/AIDS?", "I kissed someone, will I get infected?" "I did bareback, am I at risk?" and all those crazy shit.
Based on these questions, it is surreal that most of these individuals are not yet educated in terms of sexual activities and basic virology of HIV/AIDS.
Man, if you can search and flirt with a guy on Facebook or any gay personal websites, then why the heck you can't you just Google the answers to your questions? Information is now readily available through the means of internet. I mean, it's already on the palm of one's hand. If you're shy to ask from a friend, medical staff or your doctor then just try to browse over. But of course, not all information on the net are factual. You just have to be keen on what you are reading and its source.
Summing it all up, the health ministry, NGO' and media - be it tv, radio, paper or the internet is the prime cause of HIV/AIDS increase for a late bloomer country like the Philippines.
One reason why Reproductive Health bill needs to be passed and approved. (the ever long discussion between religion and technological advancement)
2. I have to admit, I have friends who are HIV+ and still engages to sexual acts which increases the risk of trnasmission. I have more than a couple of friends who really does this. They still participate in some orgies, partee and plays and some poopy events.
A simple mathematical equation is this:
(The HIV+ individual who doesn't seem to care + An idiotic victim who don't know what to do)^2 = disaster
The idiotic victim is now at high risk of getting infected. He doesn't know he's already infected, propagates into another sexual act with another idiotic victim and the exponential growth continues. Simple as that.
It's a perfect mixture of idiocy and those hard-headed morons.
Who to blame them, if they enjoy doing it... then let it be. If it's a way to relax, then let them be. I don't really care.
I don't wanna came in hands-clean, but as of the moment, in the event I wanna have an intercourse with, do it with the same sero-status. Still safe.
If you're gonna ask me, If I am saying all this shit and what not, then why in the world I am HIV+?
Well, I can say is.. it's a combination of the 2 reasons above.
I was idiotic that time and a victim of that dipshit who knew he's positive yet penetrated my ass. I really don't know, i no longer give a damn shit of why, how, where and who infected me. The important thing now is to keep my sanity and maintain the humanity that might still resides in me.
Micro-blogging
I haven't blogged recently coz I was very pre-occupied with Twitter. Pretty understandable since Twitter is also a "micro-blogging" site. Have met a great number of PLHIVs too, some were quite a surprise coz they were used to be old friends.
Good thing about it is communication is quite fast, of course omitting the sense of mobile medium such as sms and call, you can check on what's happening - real time and mostly, you get to learn each user's "attitude"
Basicly, it's just the Twitter universe of the normal people. PLHIVs are normal too, you know.
Going back to this attitude thingy, I think I have this gift of deciphering individuals based on their way of communicating to others. Maturity is certainly detected upon answering a certain question, correcct if I'm wrong, but that's what I do.
There are people who are just attention whores, fishing for compliments - posting their miserable lives just to get attention and sooner boosts their ego by getting praises of some shit.
There are the phonies, pretending to be good and helping out others, but their insidious minds are on rush. Mostly they target those vulnerable beings, the depressed ones. Taking advantage of other's weakness.
There are the desperate ones, somewhat simialr to attention whores but the difference is they don't fish out for something. They just want to post every cry-inducing moments they encounter. Often times, they get the true "compliments"
There are the brags, these are the rich kids on the block who thinks they are like Paris Hilton, people who creates problems on what to wear, which car to drive or where to shop. Two sub categories on this - the real brags and the fake ones. Real, they have something to brag about and Fake, having a delusion and just wants to be seen like the Real.
There are the observers, just plain looking and reading over another timeline. As if they don't exist. They don't even post too much.
The bitches, which spices your timeline with their "bratty" attitude.
There are HIV advocates, they share the sentiments of those PLHIV.
There are the miss congeniality, befriends everybody.
and some other more, needless to say there's no strong contrast between PLHIVs and non-PLHIVs. Just the same old crap and shit.
These are based on my own experience and opinion, you may have a different one so don't simply compare yours. Ok?
For those who wants to follow me on Twitter - @tcghiv
Just mention and I'll follow back.
Follow me on Twitter
@tcghiv
Extending the everyday norms of The Chemistry Guy out of Blogger. See you there!
@tcghiv
Extending the everyday norms of The Chemistry Guy out of Blogger. See you there!
Unexpected Bliss - part 2
Part 2
... so the night of Lady Gaga's concert went more than expected.
Let's start the story with a little flash back. I wont go into much detail as this might disclose my true identity. :P
The night before the concert, I remembered this guy way back in college. I was on my freshman and he was a senior - a graduating student.
How we met is kinda unexpected and I can't really give in the details but he was the one approached me and that was the first time someone did that - knowing how snob, stiff and introvert I am.
The story didn't last that long as he was about to graduate from college, we only meet once a week for 1.5 months since he was already preparing for his ojt and commencement exercises.
After his graduation, we lost contacts. No nothing.
I admit it was a puppy love.. now a more appropriate connotation - "teenage dream"
There wasn't a year that I cannot think of him until I finally moved on and just think of it as a perfect teenage experience.
Until the night before Lady Gaga's concert. I suddenly remembered him, trying to search his name on Facebook and even Google but to no results.
The night of the concert came and we were upgraded to the second highest class seating available. The concert started and in the middle of the fun, I randomly starred down and made an eye contact to this guy, he was also starring at me and to my surprise he was at the same event too. My excitement was like an airplane running 500kph.
We made signs to meet up at the entrance door after the concert but since the arena was so crowded, we lost each other and had no opportunity to talk. My heart felt bad - a feeling of grief and lost chance.
It was late at night when I got home from the concert and still pursued to search him on Facebook... suddenly his profile appeared and hurriedly sent a friend request. He immediately approved it so he was online.
We finally talked and had a catch up to what's new...
too bad, he has a partner.
I was baffled.
Still, I am so happy that these happened. I am still thankful that I went to Lady Gaga's concert and seen this guy for the longest time. Of all the places and instances.
I'm still grateful - a bliss.
Unexpected Bliss - part 1
One of my bucket list is to watch a concert. I haven't watched any not even the local artists.
The first time Lady Gaga went here, I already planned of going but to no company.. I decided not to go. This was again tested when Katy Perry went to the country again for her Teenage Dream tour.
This bucket list was fulfilled when Lady revisited the country for her Born This Way Ball 2012.
I actually don't have the urge of going but the day before the concert, a close friend of mine invited me to go with him and see the controversial artist. I was aloof that time since I was like isolating myself from the outside world.
I asked mt friend if I have to pay for it and abruptedly he said "FREE BITCH". I never hesitated to since it's free... hey regardless if the ticket is the farthest and the most atop place of the arena I would still go.
The night came and no preparation was made since I came from work - It was a Tuesday so I need to be in my formal office wear. Completely weird right.
We arrived a bit early at the arena and people started to swarm. As the entrance gates were opened, I already felt the excitement and chills on my skin.
We were at the general admission seats, like 5-6 stories high from the stage. Ok, I don't expect to see her in person but at least I still manage to see an international artist live and moving while singing and danicing.
The fun part just gets more exciting, my friend went to the comfort room and he he got back, his extremely excited look came my way. I asked what's wrong and he immediately pulled my hand and asked to just follw him. We we running from 4th floor down to 2nd 1st floor. He screamed that we were chosen for a free seat upgrade, which was just beside the stage.
Oh my god, that really brought my adrenaline to the highest level. We ran to the place and happily sat down and the party started.
It may seem like a cliche, but I was like a teenage girl shouting for Backstreet Boys or some boyband. I was like dancing, shouting and singing at the time of the concert. My vocal chords were like fractured to an extent that I can no longer express my happiness.
The night went more than expected......
(part 2)
Four Hundred Six
Just like what my previous post was described - deteriorating, so as my new CD4 count. Last week I went to RITM to have my CD4 count and refill of meds. It was quite a busy day for them as the clinic was bombarded by old timers and new patients. They have a new system for those who are due for their CD4 test - to have it scheduled prior to you arrival at the clinic. I have heard this from a friend of mine and immediately sent Ate Beth an SMS to have my appointment o more than a week before my preferred date.
Come that day, I called in sick to my boss and went straight to Alabang. My home is quite near RITM so there was no need to struggle for an early morning call time - they have a cutoff time for the test which is 10am. I arrived like 9am and it was crowded. They have asked if I had my appointment BUT they cannot seem to find my name on that piece of 'office desk calendar' appointment sheet. Just to find out that they mistakenly wrote my code as R11-XXX which should have been R10-XXX, ayaw pa nila ko payagan to take the test kasi wala naman daw sa list yung 'code' ko. I insisted that I have called a week before this day and they admit they commit an error. So the mere difference of R10 versus R11 would have put my leave into waste.
This was also the day when I saw an old friend of mine. But I did not pay attention too much to him as he was aslo busy with his anniverasry exams.
My tests were done and I'm now waiting for the prescription of my ARV's. When this guy came in almost 10am, just before the cutoff time for CD4 testing, he didn't know about the appointment and schedule setting prior to the test but after a while they allowed him to take the CD4 test. I was just a mere observer that time and only one thing came into my mind: I have scheduled myself a week before this day to have my CD4 test and almost on the brink of not taking it and wasting my leave to nothing when this guy came on an instant and he was allowed to take it? That was just too unfair. This guy was like a BFF to them. Ok fine, I now know where should I place myself.
Nonetheless, I was still grateful that I had the test and they gave my 3-month supply of ARVs - STILL. Contrart to what others have said a week before that they now only give 1 month supply.
That day was really a frustration, my first time to experience after 2 years of going to them. Everytime I go to RITM, I always wanted to stay even after my appointment as I wanted to mingle with other patients and staffs, now It's like the opposite. I wanna get myself out the minute I finish my deal. I just hope this won't take too long to change.
Anyway, my CD4 streamline is now:
1st: 282
2nd: 610
3rd: 608
4th: 406
1st viral load: 110,000+
2nd viral load: 86
The results were just texted to me, so I don't have any validity whether this tremendous drop is real or not. I'm just worrying why in the world this happened? Am I too stressed and depressed or my ARV's are no longer working? With the viral load still *NOT* undetectable after taking the potent Efavirenz for almost 2 years... I'm just worrying to much.
Deteriorating
I went to RITM last Friday to have my CD4 count and refill of meds. Nothing much new with them aside from the topsy-turvy process they are implementing. They don't have the right and proper system in accommodating patients, they even proposed a 'scheduled' trip when requesting for CD4 test, which is not really effective. They also implemented a number system, just like those of a bank. When the number of patients are at large with the addition of the staff, the small ARG clinic is not at a crowd. There are also some staffs that are quite new to me.
I'm just wondering if 'charts' are confidential to an extent that even the owner can't view it? I'm trying to view my chart for the results of my past tests when this new staff said 'hindi pwede tingnan' - 'you can't see those'. I was like... Hello that's my chart and I think I have the right to view it? I'm not really sure if there's an unsaid rule about a patient can't check his chart thingy. I f that's the case, I just hope that only medical professionals see it and if the rule is exercised it is consistent. Staffs are now masungit and aburido which is bit annoying.
*I totally understand this but I just hope na *only* certified medical staffs like nurses and doctors can view it, not the volunteers na hindi ko naman din kilala so start with.*
*I totally understand this but I just hope na *only* certified medical staffs like nurses and doctors can view it, not the volunteers na hindi ko naman din kilala so start with.*
One thing I noticed was their file management system. Their system is really prone to file and pertinent paper loss. Documents like Philhealth papers are too much important to get lost.
I understand that cases are increasing so much and it causes difficulty in handling the situation, this is a great opportunity for process improvement. They don't have to do it overnight but I hope they have the initiative of gradually doing it.
They all changed overtime after transferring the ARG clinic to that location and when they substituted a different nurse for Ate Ana.
With these issues I have told and the lurking anomaly with the staff who disclosed a fellow poz guy's status publicly on Twitter... I think I'm leaning towards transferring to a different health institution or perhaps hoping they'll realize what needs to be done and act on it.
The exclusivity of the RITM as a treatment hub is slowly deteriorating.
Bleak
I've been ranting out lately because I don't have someone to talk to seriously these days and I can decipher that they just don't like some drama.
I recently shifted career, from a call-center-based type of work to being a corporate junkie. There's a total difference between the two and I think I'm having a hard time adjusting my self both emotionally, intellectually and financially.
I can cite some differences between the 2 worlds.
1. Schedule - Corporate wolrd has a better schedule that can offer than that of the BPO world. Most corporate offices offers flexible schedule, that means, go to work anytime and get out as long as you finish their required hours. Unlike BPO setting, you need to be at the office at XX time or else you get suspended.
2. Working environment - this might be dependent over each organization but what I have noticed, people over the corporate world are much attached to their work. They are so serious to an extent that the office production is so quiet, you hear every letter on the keyboard being type. This is way contrasting with the BPO world, the floor is jam packed with employees with their agenda of noisiness and fun.
3. People - an absolute quality in nature. It's a prerogative of each individual whether a person or a group is of good quality. People over the BPO industry are more open, liberated and free compared to the corporates which are quite reserved and goal-set individuals. When I was in the BPO sector, I can say whatever I want without other being offended. Unlike now that everyone need to watch the words that will come out of their mouths.
4. Money matters - add fringe benfits to it, will differ according to the nature of the organization. Each has its own way of monetary and non-monetary process of business and people development and employee motivation. I'm having a hard time adjusting from being highly paid to a much lower one. I need to find ways to adjust which is already an ordeal to me.
5. Stability - Corporate world is more stable when it comes to employment sustainability than BPO's. But the career growth and promotion is slower than that of the BPO business.
Bottom line is, I'm NOT enjoying my current work. It has been a couple of month since I joined the team and now... I wanna get out and submit my resignation. As of the moment, jobstreet website is open every hour. Searching for a potential new organization to join to. Another trial and error perhaps.
I recently shifted career, from a call-center-based type of work to being a corporate junkie. There's a total difference between the two and I think I'm having a hard time adjusting my self both emotionally, intellectually and financially.
I can cite some differences between the 2 worlds.
1. Schedule - Corporate wolrd has a better schedule that can offer than that of the BPO world. Most corporate offices offers flexible schedule, that means, go to work anytime and get out as long as you finish their required hours. Unlike BPO setting, you need to be at the office at XX time or else you get suspended.
2. Working environment - this might be dependent over each organization but what I have noticed, people over the corporate world are much attached to their work. They are so serious to an extent that the office production is so quiet, you hear every letter on the keyboard being type. This is way contrasting with the BPO world, the floor is jam packed with employees with their agenda of noisiness and fun.
3. People - an absolute quality in nature. It's a prerogative of each individual whether a person or a group is of good quality. People over the BPO industry are more open, liberated and free compared to the corporates which are quite reserved and goal-set individuals. When I was in the BPO sector, I can say whatever I want without other being offended. Unlike now that everyone need to watch the words that will come out of their mouths.
4. Money matters - add fringe benfits to it, will differ according to the nature of the organization. Each has its own way of monetary and non-monetary process of business and people development and employee motivation. I'm having a hard time adjusting from being highly paid to a much lower one. I need to find ways to adjust which is already an ordeal to me.
5. Stability - Corporate world is more stable when it comes to employment sustainability than BPO's. But the career growth and promotion is slower than that of the BPO business.
Bottom line is, I'm NOT enjoying my current work. It has been a couple of month since I joined the team and now... I wanna get out and submit my resignation. As of the moment, jobstreet website is open every hour. Searching for a potential new organization to join to. Another trial and error perhaps.
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