The Chemistry of Sero-conversion... being HIV positive.

Disclaimer:

*these things happened or were done on the safest act they and I could possibly do. 

History really repeats itself. As they say - "do it once, shame on you but do it twice, shame on me"

The first instance happened, which I posted a couple of years ago, My Promiscuity pt. 1 indeed happened again. It was just recent as I write, like 3 days ago. Let me share what were the events.

It all started during the wee hours of the night - very late at night at around 3am (it should be morning). I was bored and got no one to talk to so I decided to open my "gay dating mobile app" (if you're gay, use a smartphone like iPhone or Android phones perhaps you surely know this). After some few minutes, this guy - let's call him WEIRDO, sent a message asking for my location. Proximity is so close we can get to see each other in less than 15minutes. Ever since I started using this MOBILE APP, I'm seeing him within reach. I really don't talk to conceited guys which do show on his display photo. Ok, he's manly endowed and I'm not. I admit, I'm not the most manly like guy you'll meet but of course I know how to act in accordance.

He sent a couple of his photos and dick pics (I knew by then, he was looking for a hookup). He's not that cute nor my type but he's hot. Hot in a way that he's a gym bud, his chest at biceps are so toned you'll gonna be looking at it instead of his face. A shrimp maybe.

The insisting game began, he demand for me to go to his place right away coz he's so horny and wanna fuck like hell. I'm having doubts since it's already 4am. I'm delaying me replies hoping he would ignore me, but after seeing my photos - he then demanded more for this "early morning-rooster beating hookup". I still hesitant to since, I'm too lousy to move and go away from my bed. But after a couple of hours... I gave up. Alright fine, wait for me and I'll go to your place, meet me at your front yard within 10mins.

I went there, we met halfway across the street and man, he truly is hot. Well, not really cute. We went inside the house and sat on the couch. I noticed that there's this loud stereo upstairs and asked who's with him, he answered honestly "I'm with my housemates". It was like, "oh fuck, not again." 

We started making out on the couch, I'm really into him since he's hot. Then he asked for us to go upstairs, "ok, I knew it.. another orgy thing" I declined and said I'm not really into group fun. I said let's just wait for "them" to come down and be on our turn. Several minutes later, THEY went down WEIRDO pulled my hand and went upstairs. We went into the room and totally made out. This is where is acting weird, I don't know if he's just making it up but I found it weird.. he was like "you know what I like you, you're a good kisser, I'm now your boyfriend, I love you" Hmm, ok.. 

Then a few minutes later, the door opened - I knew it was the other 2 guys who went down earlier. Then suddenly I felt someone is kissing my legs and what not.. Oh god, I knew this was gonna happen. I can no longer do anything, I'm on a point of no return. Fuck.

WEIRDO whispers and continuously apologizing for what is happening. I can no longer do anything but to go with the flow. I said to him, "you need to take care of me, I don't want this and please don't let him fuck me". In all fairness, he did and didn't left my side. Good.

I let the other 2 guys feel that I'm not really into this and they felt it. But this "MR CLEAN" guy, is insistent as well he lurks and gets in the way if there's a chance and when me and WEIRD are not with each other. Oh freak, I know he has a big dick but common you're not my type. Seriously dude. A bald mature dirty old man type. Please. He even takes photos of our behind. Oh common, you're such an indecent pig! 

The assembly was a total casual setting. WEIRDO and I are doing it and the other 2 were like cleaning the room - lights off. It was like a scene on some gay porno, poppers and fuck everywhere. 

The other 2 left the room and WEIRDO and I had the chance to be alone. This is the part where I enjoyed the most. He's good in bed and he felt that I am too. We were "sexually compatible" and I joined his weirdness. I went to his game like we were like partners doing an intimate moment covered under a no-strings-attached stuff.

I asked who are these guys, he said they are his "room mates". I asked, why are you renting a their place. He said, "because MR CLEAN is my boss". That made me freak out. WHO ON EARTH WOULD DO THESE STUFF WITH YOUR OWN BOSS? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU'RE NOT ON YOUR UTMOST MENTAL STATE. MIND YOU, THEY WORK FOR THE COMPANY I'M EYEING OF GETTING INTO. NO!

There's the sunshine and everything was over. Now the challenge is getting up, preparing myself to leave and see their freaking faces - the other 2 guys. I went down, took a shower and hurriedly prepared and asked WEIRDO to accommodate me outside. Saw the faces, no words from me - like the grumpy cat and went out of the house. 

If not for the other guys, I would really like WEIRDO. He's hot - body structure wise and somewhat nice. Somewhat. But upon analyzing things, they are into it the longest time. 

*after reading this, I know you would think - "oh, The Chemistry Guy is too gentle, sweet, conservative and traditional." Hey, I just don't like orgy stuff, it make mes jealous once there's another guy touching the guy I do.

I engaged myself into the dating scene last month which didn't work well. I have heard that this guy (link) just ended his premature relationship... and the reason is me. I don't know how to understand and comprehend the meaning of this but why the hell I am involved with this?

When I learned over Facebook that my [ex] date changed his status to "in a relationship".. I said "whoa, that was fast.. we just dated 2 weeks ago and now he has a bf - I know this is a premature engagement and it will end sooner than expected" and it did.

Now, he's claiming me back.. trying to apologize for not waiting and being impatient for not breaking my shell. Yes, I admit that I impose a hard shell to break. I don't typically show my weak point/s to any human entities. I am the opposite of vulnerability. An oyster with a hard shell, needs effort to open and see the pearl (melodramatic).

Now,  he's like messaging me from every channel he could. From Facebook, to Viber or whatever that may come in handy.

I have set things straight, I told him I'm not your fall back guy. Not an option to be taken for granted. I just don't know if he'll accept it whole-heatedly or still be the persistent fly to roam around me.

One thing is for sure, I would no longer date him. We can go out, but as buddies. No more, no less.

Besides, he doesn't know my sero-status. What could be the worse thing that can happen?

In relation to this, I have some postulates - assumptions or whatever you call it.

The Risk postulate
I am an HIV-positive guy, opened my doors to date another guy (assuming he's negative), went out together for some time, feelings are now on the steady state then admitted my status... he declined and ran away. It's pretty hard to find and date guys whose minds are as wide as an airport runway. Many have told, if you are to disclose your status to a guy, don't do it immediately. Let the connection between you build up before letting it all out.

I have experienced a couple who deemed to show whether they can accept my status or not. I have mentioned in a blog post, perhaps 2 years ago, I asked this guy about the "non-negotiable" factors or traits for a future relationship.. he said, "he must be HIV negative". Ok... PASS.

This is getting into a trend. I won't take a risk.

I'm not really talking about "in general", there are still some guys who are really open minded - those educated bitches who know how to accept and understand the scenario. I know some HIV-positive friends who engage into magnetic or sero-discordant relationships. I'm just wondering - "WHERE THE HELL DO THEY FIND THESE GUYS?!"

Cadaverine or pentamethylenediamine, the organic compound responsible for the smell of rotten flesh. Produced by protein hydrolysis during the process of putrefaction or decomposition of animal proteins.

A couple of days back, I had a vivid dream.. An odd one. I dreamed of my death. It was a first-person vision of a dream. I was dead and was about to be buried on the school quadrangle. I was all over the news and the cause of my death was AIDS. I went back to the world crying, tears running through my eyes and pillow. From then forward.. I can no longer sleep.

When I got the chance to go online, I search the meaning/s of dreaming one's death. Most of them said that It's a sign that a phase in one's life is soon gonna end and should start anew. One needs to end something and let it go...

Until now I'm still contemplating what the dream implies. What should I let go? or What will end and needs to begin?

Ta!