The Chemistry of Sero-conversion... being HIV positive.

Two weeks ago, just in time for the World AIDS Day celebration, it suddenly came into my mind to disclose my status to one of my ex. When I was having my CD4 test like 3 weeks ago, it popped my topsy-turvy mind that I need someone to be a confidant or someone to talk to regarding this (as suggested by Ate Ellen) and I thought of my ex. The reason is, I trust him more than anyone else. I know it has been more than 5 years since we parted ways but the trust is still there and cannot be undone.

Days like this I want to talk to someone and have a reliable shoulder to lean on so why not try.

Right that very moment I sent an sms asking us to meet over the weekend for some coffee and dinner. He asked why and what for, I told him just to come and we will be talking something serious about myself. 

I still have a week to gain confidence and was thinking of how to do it. 

The weekend came and was waiting from him to remind me that we are about to meet. No sms nor call.. no nothing from him. Sunday has passed and still, I was like a spider waiting for a damsel fly.

I asked a poz friend on how to deal with this, I asked whether if we can just talk over the phone or exchange messages. My friend told me not to - "you won't see his reactions once you disclosed your status" True enough.

I decided not to push through with it, perhaps my ex is not the best person to disclose my status. I am waiting for something from him that will make him a deserving guy to further give my trust to - ASSERTION.

I am accused of something that i don't do or even can't do.. and it really hurts especially if you partner is the one accusing you. :(

Just a while ago, Im on my way home, Ma ran out of load and uses his tita's phone for communicating. I'm like a time card on a bundy clock, reports every moment and place im into.

I was commuting along Ayala Av., then EDSA then SLEX then southwards.
I finally got home when he texted,

tawagan mo ko, mag redeem ka ng points (superunli)

on my dismay, i dont want to use my points. instead, i told him..

bukas na lang kita tatawagan after ko mag load kasi 2 pesos na lang to

then he was now calling, still using his tita's phone, and i wasn't able to attend to it since im busy freshing up and getting dressed down.

now he's angry and full of fury.. he texted,

sagutin mo tawag ko kung nasa bahay ka na

simpleng redeem hindi mo magawa

well kung sakit mo na mag sinungaling wala na ko magagawa....

maging totoo ka. malakas pakiramdam ko pag niloloko ako

kaw din ang gumagawa ng move para mawalan trust sayo ng mga tao

it really hurts... really really hurts.
eh tarantado pala to eh!!!!
im not lying. why would i, it's thursday. bakit ako gigimik kung alam kong may pasok pa ko
kinabukasan. fuck this shit!!!!