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The Chemistry of everyday life, an HIV blogger. Twitter: @tcghiv | Email: tetrahydroziline@gmail.com

This Too, Shall Pass




in·se·cure

[in-si-kyoor]  
adjective
1.
subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured.
2.
not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious.
3.
not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger.
4.
not firmly or reliably placed or fastened.


I have been experiencing this for the past months, I don't know why or how can I explain it, but as the meaning suggested by dictionary.. this is what I am feeling.

Fears, doubts, low self-esteem and uncertain.

I know I am thinking too much, but every moment that I am by myself, these seizes. Even on  my subconscious mind, these haunts me in my dreams.

I'm on the extremes of either happiness and sadness, a bipolarity that is somewhat innate to me. I no longer have the control of my inner self .

Escaping from this reality comes in two terms - one is dream and the other is death. A temporary and permanent solution to escape from these feelings.

I'm trying to keep my mental and emotional equity but controls are loosing. Perhaps these are results of my 2.5 years of taking ARV's. I really don't know.

For an observant type like me, this is kind of a challenge. Seeing others happy, contented and knows how to pass each road block is envious. Even seeing stuff on the internet or watching movies/television triggers everything.

I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff. Ready to give up and just jump out of nowhere. Others, who may know me, might see how strong, alert and happy I am, but I gotta say... I'm not. A total parallel universe sits on my mind. Hiding my feelings towards myself and not letting anyone see it. Besides, I don't have any confidant. No real friends, no bestfriend  and of course.

Funny it may seem but a simple Youtube video triggered my tear glands. Weird.

Sleepless and crying nights, heightened emotions and easily triggered bi-polarities. I'm too tired of seeing the bright side. I no longer walk the path heads up.

I hope that - "this too shall pass"


2 comments:

Eternal Wanderer... { Friday, November 9, 2012 at 12:16:00 AM GMT+8 }
Nada te turbe...todo se pasa

Let nothing disturb you...everything passes.

- Sta. Rita de Avila

*akap mahigpit*
Kerouac Matisse { Friday, November 9, 2012 at 10:10:00 AM GMT+8 }
Sometimes it's easy to say reign in your emotion...but living a robotic life isn't a good life either. But feeling sadness, happiness, frustration and all other emotions you feel...it's a sign you're alive...and that's what counts.