The Chemistry of Sero-conversion... being HIV positive.

It's totally over. Closed book between me and Ma.

... and now, Paradigm Shift. A change of mind. Of what you used to.

Weekend is so silent. My phone is not ringing, almost no new messages.

No one to talk to, every break-up ganito lagi ang set up.

Well, I'm used to it. Maybe this is a great time to give time for myself again.

But somehow, no bitterness. Hindi ako galit. Good thing.

Agenda for today:

1. work my arms out, its been several weeks since I jolted my biceps and triceps.
2. shop. Zara stores are on Sale!
3. Watch movie. Marathon maybe.
4. Dine out to a resto that I haven't tried.
5. allot time for unexpected plans.

Weather: Cloudy, seems it's going to rain hard.

Dilemma: how can I do my agendas with this kind of weather. crap!

Solution: Just push with it.

Result: Satisfied and peaceful being.. chos! haha


Ta!

Dizziness and headaches are slowly subsiding.. slowly.
Though there are still some signs which I tend not to tolerate it, kaya pa naman.

Anyway, I'm here in Starbucks wasting my 3-hours allowance time doing nothing. See, instead of me lying down in bed, I'm here wasting my time on my laptop.

Nothing much from the past weekend to talk about, just a dine out and a movie date with friends.

Oh, there's the malanding barista. I was falling in line anticipating if I'll get a coffee or a cream based frap, he asked for my drink..

One venti, mocha frap, twice blended without whip for XXXXXX!

Shocked, bakit nya alam name ko? hindi naman nakasabit ang i.d ko so for sure hindi nya nakita name ko.. Until now, im still wondering how in the world he did that. I know he's gay, obvious naman.

I'm still dizzy, puro na lang dizziness.. Im being unproductive coz of this. Wala na ko masyado nagagawa.

Just an update: Ma and I ended it up na. Though nagpaparamdam paren sya. Well, bahala na. Basta ang alam ko, I'm free and I can do anything I want. :D

Ta!

I just noticed today, I've got a few grammatical and typographical errors. Tsk. I'm using my phone kasi to make a blog. My apologies.

I'm getting over my dizziness side effect slowly.

I think the connection between me and Ma is over. I feel no more, this is getting bland. If he just stick to his head what he said to me before..

You know what, ikaw yung type na love or hate lang

True indeed! Maybe it's a manisfestation of my astrological sign but I can atest to it.

Stress comes within me and now depression starts to sink in... Again.
I can tell coz of sudden emotional bursts. Need to regain my self-composure with my ipod.

I'm now here in the salon having a haircut and I can't believe that the guy assisting me is so horribly cute. He's P. Fuck and he's massaging me right now. Grrr. Ano ba?! Although he's bansot, he's so cute. Teehee. That's why I really love going back to this gigolo-like assistant infested salon.

I just can’t help myself looking at him..
There are a lot cute guys in this world, it's just a matter of appreciation.

Him: Sir, ang lalim ng iniisip nyo? Ano problema?
Me: Wala, may kamuka ka lang kasi....

Grabe ang landi ko talaga.

After this landi moments, am gonna go back home and take some rest then meet my friend.

Enough off emotional stress..


Ta!

I went to RITM last Tuesday to wave goodby to my Nevirapine and say hello to Efavirenz. I went to the OPD clinic and stumbled upon my entrance is Ar, my one of my crush, Ar, as you can remember from the Self-Empowerment seminar. The so suplado, quiet and mataray guy. He still looks good and have a great built. Sorry, pero hindi ko siya pinapansin kasi I felt really awkward and I knew for myself na susupladuhan lang nya ko just like what he did before. So, hanggang tingin na lang. A guy then saved me from awkwardness and gave me a little chit chat, he's R. Got a cd4 count of 2 and got some illness. There's a guy by the corner and I can see on my peripheral vision that he's staring at me. I was curious so I took the seat in front of him. He's R. A newly diagnosed guy and will commence his arv treatment the same day as to my Efavirenz. magka tukayo sila ni earlier R. So to avoid confusion, let's name the earlier R as R-cd4-2 and this R as R-arv. He's still staring and I felt na kinikilala nya ko. So am I, he's kinda cute, good moreno tone and got braces! He's familiar... Really familiar!

He's on his way to the pharmacy to have his arv's. I rushed towards him at sinabayan ko sya sa window, we gave our booklets and prescriptions and while waiting for the meds, we finally got the chance to talk.

Him, 'kelan ka na diagnose?'
Me, 'March of this year ako, ikaw?'
Him, 'bago lang ako, May. You what familiar ka'
Me, 'yeah! Familiar ka din, nagmeet na ba tayo?'
Him, 'yes, i think so... Db you're into photography?'

shocks, kinabahan na ko. Kilala nya talaga ako.

Finally. Puzzle solved.
A night stand guy from the past.

Shet! I felt guilty, ako kaya nakahawa sakanya? the scenes were still fresh, we did it safely. He got a cd4 of the same amount as minde, around 280+. I told Ate Ana about it and she said na wag ka mag worry. For sure hindi ako ang nakahawa at sa iba nya nakuha kasi mababa na din cd4 nya. wag ng magsisihan.

Yeah, she's right. Enough. We can't do anything about it. Lets' move forward.

He went home and I went to the lounge. Tambay lang. Palipas ng oras. Saw some old friends and made chikas.

Now, Im taking Efavirenz. What the heck! Ang lakas ng tama. The morning after I took
it, it really made me felt dizzy and out of myself. Feeling may lagnat at biglang bumangon. That's the exact way to describe it. So far no vivid dreams, and I am getting ready for it. Hahaha, browsing through some Enchong Dee photos eh.. Grrr naughty!

2nd day, lesser effect. I had 8hrs sleep and it's a bit tolerable. Super menthol candies does the trick.

Gawd! Pls spare me from these..

Im getting dizzy nanaman.

Ta!

I'm sooo effin' tired... Again, one of the side effects of Nevirapine. I'm sleepy the whole day. Am here in the office doing nothing, then why not make blog post? Good thing my phone supports MS Word so I can just upload through usb then copy and paste.

Ok, nothing much to say on a Monday. A bit loaded shift but was so manageable that I have extra 2 hours to spare with. Im on my iPod and listening to Lady Gaga's Pokerface. So gay right? Listening to her on an office setting. Anyway, I'm just waiting in vain for our shift to end.

Nothing to talk much on a Monday, then let's bother yesterday's events. Sunday, a small company event was held in Metrowalk. Prior to the event I was planning of dropping by either Shangrila - to check or might even buy some stuffs from Zara, hey they're on sale! Or Megamall - to have a haircut. Well I did jump to Megamall but went to Subway coz Of my sandwhich craving.

On to Metrowalk, met new friends and saw some cuties. Went dinner, videoke, billiards and chit chat over coffee. Well, another pretty experience indeed.



I'm still sleepy. Took hot cup noodles and chips to satisfy my salt taste buds. Sipped coffee, somehow baka mawala mga hikab ko. Still! I tried calculating till when I'll suffer this condition..

Here goes my self-proclaimed calculation,
I ask Wikipedia about Nevirapine's half life. Half-life is a chemical term that denotes the time at which a substance loses half of its concentration. NVP's half-life is 45 hours and I took 4 of them so around 15days?

Enough of those.. Tuesday is set for RITM. Gonna get those Efavirenz in exchange of NVP. Will see good friends again.. Hopefully I can have the chance to meet someone new naman. :P

By the way, I'm missing Ma. Well, he himself but not his pesky paranoia and untrustfulness. gosh, is there such a word untrustfulness? Lols.

Let's see what will happen next. I still don't text him. Huh!


Ta!

Sunday, planned to go with D and K. Unfortunately, D has fever.. boo! K. I think is not yet awake and he's not replying. It's already 4pm and I don't wanna waste my time inside this boring room.
It's raining hard and I decided to let it pass before I go out of the house. I was browsing some blogs, online in PlanetRomeo, Facebook and other personal sites. Wala lang, juat to keep myself busy for the meantime. Tomorrow is another Monday, Another busy week off. Sheesh.

Ma, is not texting. I miss him a bit, but to render his lesson and realization I opted not to text or talk to him. Hayaan ko muna. Well for sure if I did, magaaway ulit kami.

It's the 5th day of my Acyclovir, my opportunistic infection is gone. I have 4 tabs left and I'm gonna miss this. It's like candy, the texture and the taste. It's not the usual medicine that taste like hell. Well. Thanks Acyclovir! no more 5x/day for 5days :D



I took photos of the ARV's .. boredom really kills. :D




I'll be preparing myself in a bit.
Have questions? Just give me a holler!


Ta!

Since it's a weekend, let's set aside the stresses...

Saturday and I can't believe that I am a loser. I usually go out of towns, dine out, play sports, challenge Timezone Tekken 6 hotties, pig out and go food tripping, watch movie or any outdoor activity. Outdoor ok, meaning... not inside the house. But what now? I'm in my bed with my laptop connected to my wifi and doing nothing.. such a loser. It seems that my friends are too busy or me being too lazy to invite them on a date out.

Well, to start if off.. I'm having fever! not really high-grade. just feverish feeling with chills and a bit headache resembling a true fever.. wow, that's a lot of the word "fever". This is one of the main side effect of Nevirapine, the dreaded and frightful ARV since it can splash you out with rashes making you ugly or maybe uglier. :) Good thing my body reacted with fever and not with rashes. Whew! So I have to stop taking it. But of course, I need to continuously take Lamivudine + Zidovudine. I texted D regarding this since he has the first line experience with this kind. haha and yeah he said to stop taking it. Ate Ana asked me to drop by RITM on Tuesday, I'm gonna redeem Efavirenz in exchange of Nevirapine. Hmmm, another dreadful ARV. I wonder how does it feel to have this "vivid dreams" side effect with Efavirenz.

Since am not doing anything, I tried researching the ARV's. As I skim and scan Wikipedia, I felt something really dramatic.. I'm missing Organic Chemistry!!! Missing the old days.. I took 2 Organic Chemistry classes and I did enjoy the curriculum. How to name the organic compound, how to synthesize the compound, what reagents to be used and yada yada yada.. I know it may sound geek and too schoolish.

It's quite surprising that there are some "non-reactive" to gp41 and gp120 guys reading my blog.
gp41 and gp120 are the proteins found on the outer layer of the morons. Hmmm, maybe i'll have a quick rundown of my knowledge on this stuff. It's quite alarming that even those "reactive" or HIV + guys don't or have a limited background regarding some stuffs. I have a pos friend and he doesn't know what is Azithromycin for. Wow.

Wants some lesson? :)

Sunday's plan is already alloted. Gonna go out with D and K. Might watch Inception and dine out. I don't know, It's up to them.

Somebody messaged me on my "positive-account" in Planet Romeo, he wanted us to be friends. Ok, no problem. We can try. We talked about the usual stuffs and it came to a point that he shared his photo. He's cute, i can feel he's Chinese and doesn't know how to speak the native tongue. I'm still doubtful of giving mine since, of course, my identity and I'm scared of humiliation. It seems he's naive to HIV and really wants to know more about it. Well, he got me.. I gave my "normal-account" and saw my photos.. and then all of a sudden he's talking like an expert. He even asked if I know Ate Ana, Shola, Ate Ellen and the rest of the gang in RITM. I was really surprised, why and how in the world you know them.. "By the way im not HIV +", he said. So how come? I got bothered with him and never replied to any of his queries. Then, minutes after.. He sent another message.. "Let's have sex!" . Hmmm, suspicious.. I wanna block him but it might trigger something so I just ignored him. Tsk, Sayang.. He's so hot pa naman. :))

And now, I'm looking for mates to talk to.. It seems that everybody is busy on their gimiks.


Ta!

I am accused of something that i don't do or even can't do.. and it really hurts especially if you partner is the one accusing you. :(

Just a while ago, Im on my way home, Ma ran out of load and uses his tita's phone for communicating. I'm like a time card on a bundy clock, reports every moment and place im into.

I was commuting along Ayala Av., then EDSA then SLEX then southwards.
I finally got home when he texted,

tawagan mo ko, mag redeem ka ng points (superunli)

on my dismay, i dont want to use my points. instead, i told him..

bukas na lang kita tatawagan after ko mag load kasi 2 pesos na lang to

then he was now calling, still using his tita's phone, and i wasn't able to attend to it since im busy freshing up and getting dressed down.

now he's angry and full of fury.. he texted,

sagutin mo tawag ko kung nasa bahay ka na

simpleng redeem hindi mo magawa

well kung sakit mo na mag sinungaling wala na ko magagawa....

maging totoo ka. malakas pakiramdam ko pag niloloko ako

kaw din ang gumagawa ng move para mawalan trust sayo ng mga tao

it really hurts... really really hurts.
eh tarantado pala to eh!!!!
im not lying. why would i, it's thursday. bakit ako gigimik kung alam kong may pasok pa ko
kinabukasan. fuck this shit!!!!

Im now taking arv's ... Surprise!

Yeah, it was really unexpected.

I planned to go to RITM for a check up.
I have a serious OI by the way. Haha.

The doctor checked me and run through my chart. She said, 'feeling ko
mas mababa na cd4 mo kesa dati (which was 282) kaya ka nagka ganyan'.
She even called a fellow doctor to confirm my condition.. 2 of them
decided to check my cd4 count but it was too early for September.
'kelangan mo na mag arv' they uttered. 'kasi kung ano ano na dumadapo
sayo,mababa na cd4 mo'. What??!! I was really caught of guarded.. Wala
na ko nagawa! They even called Dr. Ditangco for approval. Oh my, i was
just here to have my oi checked and now im pressured with arv's ..
lols. Ok fine so be it! Take it take it..

They prescribed me

Truvada and Isentress...

Common, of course not!

Lamivudine + Zidovudine + Nevirapine

it's my 2nd take of NVP and thank god for no adverse rashes :)

it was an instant life changing regimen, if others were very latent
and trying to avoid it, but for me, i look forward every 12pm and
12am.

My new bestfriends:

Lamivudine
Zidovudine
Nevirapine, for now
Acyclovir, for my oi treatment
Azithromycin
Co-trimaxazole
Ascorbic Acid
Vitamin B complex
Multivitamins
Isopropyl and Ethyl alcohol
Sulfur and Triclosan based soaps

hopefully my cd4 count will jump from 282 to 400+ haha cross-fingers!


Ta!

Last Saturday, Ma and his friends planned to join the yoga session by
Pa. It got cancelled by any chance and they called in to meet me in
Shangrila. Fine, another last minute cancellation. Ma and I were not
in the good mood, as you can see from my last blog, i let him feel
that i was really upset, angry and so frustrated of what he is doing..

I met Ma and a good friend of his, E. And went our way for some
afternoon coffee and chitchat. Things were not really in the scene coz
of my rage.

Cutting it short, inaway ko siya ng bongga and threw all my anger ang
angst. He did the same, and we were doing it in the presence of his
good friend.. Well, nakakahiya din. But ok na din kesa hindi ko pa
masabi. Went out for a dinner, still with Ma, E and now.. E's ex. What
a complicated scenario. I felt a library-silence and awkward moments
between us. We parted ways with silence, them, going to Laguna for a
party event and me, going home.. I decided to spend my time alone.

The day after, Sunday, of course.. Im still an existing human entity
with feelings... I felt guilty of what I did. So I said sorry... And
there you go, bati na uli kami..

Several days after, eto we're arguing again! Another trust issue. I
dont know if i did something wrong or what.

I couldnt believe that being honest can lead to a senseless argument.
Here's what happened...

Way before, we argued about my ex being my officemate. Seeing each
other and sometimes having an unintentional lunch get together, of
course with my other colleagues. A while ago, my ex sent me a message
asking a favor and wants to entrust me of his belonging, so i took my
lunch break and we met in the pantry, chit chatted for a while and did
his purpose.

Co-incidentally, Ma texted and asked kung sino kasabay ko mag lunch..
I was honest, i told him i was with my ex and King.
The rest was history.. Argue argue argue.

Sheeeeesh.. When this gonna end?
is patience really a virtue?


Ta!

All the Lovers - Kylie Minogue

All stimulants and depressants are onto me, what's happening?

Well aside from the burdens mentioned from the previous post, here comes another one.
It's not really a big issue but it really affects my emotional capabilities,

My partner (slash) / date (another slash) / bf to be? is acting up.
I can say immaturity is prevailing, (graduate na ko sa mga ganitong tao, so no big deal) AGAIN.


1. he's too paranoid, every friend, officemate, best friend and person that I text/call/speak to eh may issue. He's too paranoid to think that i'm messing up with him. He even sneaked into my phone and checked all the messages with out me knowing it. I can't blame him nor his past for acting such.. but common man! live in the future and don't dwell yourself from the past. grow up pls.

2. trust issue. cutting it short, HE'S NOT TRUSTING ME.
i think i dont have to explain this.. coming from the horse's mouth.

3. proximity and stability issues. (can really be compromised, but for me plays a crucial role in a relationship) he's from the south, San Pablo, Laguna to be exact. As of now he doesn't have a job since he got sick and still catching up from the loss. He's doing ok now, more than kicking.. he can now fuck ass.

Ok, you might think that I'm too materialistic regarding this but hey, reality bites.
I don't even see the urge and initiation of redeeming himself.. he's like tamad pa.
Maybe it's a sick hang over? Hey, time is running..

I can't elaborate the things happened to us, but what i feel now is certainly different from the time i met him last Self-Empowerment seminar. Things really do change.

I think we should get to know deeper and build the "TRUST" thingy..

I'm not happy.

Ta!

As I am writing this blog, rains from the clouds fall so as tears from my eyes..

It seemed that everybody is busy even the blog world guys, no recent and new posts lately.

The title is pretty straight forward. 2010 is the worst.

Every problem and burden were thrown all this year,

financial woes, some personal matters and being sero-converted. I know that I'm a strong person, I usually hurdle all of my problems by myself and I'm proud to say that I can really surpass them out.

Change is the only constant thing in this world, it seems that I can't no longer handle things just the way I did before. As what I learned from the Empowerment seminar,

to lessen your burdens share them, take the risk of letting other know what you feel for they might help you out.

ok, share my problems and burdens, which I really normally don't do.
I tried sharing them and yes, It helped but It's still me... me, who can fix these things.

nasa diyos ang awa nasa tao ang gawa

now, I don't know what to do.. Im tired of crying, my Lacrimal glands are numb na.


Im slowly giving up.. I can't see any reason for me to hold on tight...