The Chemistry of Sero-conversion... being HIV positive.

I just remember, I posted my blog URL to my pseudo-account in a personal gay site. And many guys from there sends me messages regarding them reading my entries. Hmmm, so I'm now pressured on what to post. Let it be personal or opinion-based posts. Whatever, As long as I express myself using this medium. I really don't care. I don't usually talk to people about personal life. It's not I'm not a sociable person, it's like I just hate and trying to avoid awkward moments. When I share my stuffs personally, that's already awkwardness.

I skipped one intake of Efavirenz. Sorry. :( my bad. I had too. I'm on a social gathering and need to be in tip top condition. I don't want myself to be in syncope just because of my dizziness and neurological side effect. Besides, I might have another vivid dream. Hmmm.. and took some amounts of alcohol. This might be the last. I will find a way on how to deal with late night gatherings and taking Efavirenz at the same time.

I also skipped one intake of Combivir, eehh.. My bad, again. My phone alarmed and I was playing Plants vs Zombies. "later, when all the zombies have died". grrr... time passed when I'm addicted to it and let my meds go away. Sorry again.

After a month or so of suffering from the side effects of Efavirenz, I'm now on the road again of lifting some weights.

Since a lot of people try to rad my blogs and ask on my pseudo-account in the gay social site. I might try to let them know about my story. I try to think of a way on how to do this. For the mean time, lets talk! :)

Ta!

Sunday. I hate it. You know for a fact that when you wake up the next day.. Monday.
It's time for work, 2 days is not really enough for me. Maybe I'm getting to used with what I am doing. It's too monotonous. I need to add color to it.

I met someone over the cyberspace. Well, we didn't meet yet. The odd thing about it is, we're officemates. He calls every now and then. I haven't seen his physical appearance but based on the photos he sent me, i think he looks cute and decent. Braces guy, small earring. He i go again, attaching myself to someone and when the time comes, it's me who losses. We're still on the talking+getting to know phase.

The catch here is, ok fine. Maybe we're on to each other but what will happen if I confess to him my sero-status. What will he do if he found out that i'm HIV positive. Geesh. 2 things might happen, or will surely happen.

1. You and Me against the world (the dreaded Magnetic relationship) again... but this time, I made sure that I'm not an option.

or

2. Scram! go away..

Number 2 is the risk, number 1 is the happy side of it.

Just like what i said, I'll hold on to my philosophy.

I'd rather cry every night than to be on an irrational relationship.
I'll never be a desperate retard.

Saturday. I met a good friend of mine. He's D. He knows that I'm HIV positive. It was really intentional for me to tell him, It was just a case of saving something irrational why I told confessed my sero-status. He used to be a date of mine last year. It didn't work since I was already diagnosed and decided not to push with it. We're really good friends. We even date out together fortnightly. It seemed that he proved to me that what ever sero-status I have, We can be good friends. I was drinking my favorite milk-tea frap when he grabbed it and took a sip on it.
As he's sipping my drink, "hmmm, this taste good!". It was a delightful moment for me.
After dining out and seeing a movie we decided to part ways. He always drops me off to the best place I can get another cab or puv.

It's already 130am. Cabs are damn choosy so I waited for puv's. There's one but it's still loading and waiting for passengers. I stood as if was waiting and hoping for another one to pass by, saving my time. Then all of a sudden, there's a guy beside me. Wearing long sleeves, a bit loose fit pants, clean cut and sneakers. Ok, no big deal. He's just an average guy for me. A rate of 6/10 perhaps. To my peripheral vision, I can see that's he's staring at me. Out of consciousness, I tried to stare back. I now feel that he's into me. He moved closer and closer, "Is there a straight way going south?" Aha! first move.. Just like what I thought. "Yes, the same puv that I will ride on to". Minutes after, he was bugging his mobile phone. I think he wants to get my number. I moved a bit further since it was an awkward feeling. He's even touching my shoes with his. Hmmm, I think he wants something.

I decided to get on the puv and wait. When it was about to depart, he went inside and still staring at me. Hmmm...
Just like what I said, I'm choosy. I'm not a desperate retard. Maybe you're into me, but I'm not. Sorry. Though I think he's nice enough. The scene ended with nothing. Just teasers and stares. not much interesting happened afterwards. I may sound rude. I'm not. It's just a collaborative and integrated experiences from the past. I learned too much. :)

Hope to see him again, and tease him again, Sometime..
He's the 3rd person ever in my gayhood life to approach me. I admit, I'm really snobbish and aloof. But for sure, when you know me. First impressions won't really last. :)

Ta!

I bought a book at a nearby bookstore, trying to be a book worm.. I bought one for 45 pesos. Quite Cheap.

Then I decided to splurge myself again with Salt and Ketchup.. I bought my Cheeseburger and Large Fries. Of course, add to it the tons and tons of salt and the red thingy.

I was reading the book I bought when a guy caught my attention.
I never thought perfection can be seen. Nice and clean hair cut, average height of 5'8, the yuppy looking appeal, clear skin, perfect chinky eyes!, great sense of fashion (I remember his red/black Fred Perry duffle bag), hot fitting long sleeve on his nice chest and biceps.. hay. Jaw dropping.
I was on my iPod and tried to stare at him. We met in the eye 2 times. OMFG! star struck!

I placed my bag on the table so there would be a something that blocks our sight.
It seemed he noticed that I'm staring at him.. He sat near me. (Me, facing northwards. Him facing southwards) He's on my 11oclock position. Grrr..

He was eating Chicken Nuggets and Rice. It shows that he doesn't have a big appetite since, he eats slowly. Adding to it, the small regular sized meal compared to mine. Large!

There's nothing much happened afterwards. I know that he knows that I'm into him. Too bad. I know for myself that a kind like him won't approach me. Oh well. Just another fairy tale.
Now, I have an addition to my crush list. :)

I may sound conceited, but I'm not. :)

Guys are acting up really weird nowadays.

Ta!
:D

I'm wasting my spare time here in Starbucks together with my Iced tea and Sausage Roll. Good thing I have my laptop with me so I can be more interactive.

The other night, a foreigner friend of mine who's based here in the country messaged me through my dummy account in Planet Romeo. The dummy account was intended for HIV-related purposes. Cutting the story short, since we didn't really made too much interesting stories, He said that HIV is a condition for hot and rich guys. Why so? He said he have friends who is also HIV-positive that are too hot to handle and almost everybody wants them. Fine. Stereotyping? lols.

Speaking of foreigners, there are 2 hot guys here sitting in front of me.
1 table apart, both are studying and writing and on laptop as well. What's with them? Both are also nail-biting. Weird. One Korean-type and another Euro-guy. I'll just feast my eyes on them.

I had a prominent vivid dream last night. I don't wanna make further discussion about it. It's hilarious. It's not about the dream but what happened on me while dreaming. It's so childish! hahah. That's already a clue. For sure it happened to you when you were a small kid. Gosh. Needed to change the sheets. :D

I'm losing concentration. Another side effect of Efavirenz. I need to but a blue-ink pen. Studies show that using blue-inked pens will stimulate the brain making you more focused.

Ta!


Ta!

I mentioned in my previous post that me and my beloved "ex" is working under the same roof.
Yes, we're office mates. Been with the company for 2years now and he's new, 3 months or so. I said to him to work here since the grasses here are really greener. (California Gurls?) lols.

He entrusted me his belongings including money. I still treasure that. He still trusts me.
His shift is early morning and I'm on the mid. When he's about to clock out, it's my clock in.

One day, he asked for his entrusted money and said to meet in the fire exit. We're just 1 floor away. Fire exit, hmm. I know what you are thinking. I never did that. I gave him his money and surprisingly he a box of cupcakes with icings and toppings were seen.

How sweet. The cup cakes were yummmy.

Will he still be that way if he knew I'm positive. I don't think so.
Well. So far, we're friends/officemates. That's it.
No expectations or anything.


Ta!

Last week I went to the other office's building site for a company activity.
Call time was 1pm. I took lunch by 12pm and went my ass on the building. Of course, Filipino time.. a 1pm meeting will start 3pm. Even worst, we started 6pm. WTF. Whole day affair.

The team decided for a late lunch and took their cigs at the the smoking area. I'm not a smoker. So I just stand by my feet and listen to their stories. Several meters facing my direction is a cutie, I think with his smoking buddy. My peripheral vision says he's staring at me.. I tried to looking at him but i'm too shy.. haha. Done with smoking and parted ways.. ok. Another same old story.

1 week after... a cute guy added me to be his friend in Facebook. I just typically add coz I simply don't care. what do I have to lose if I add strangers, besides it's a social networking site. Of course, the mere fact that he's cute. So I confirmed his request.

Fine.

Days after, He messaged me..

hey, I saw you last week in XXXX (name of the building)

Oh fuck.. it's him. :D

We talked some things and we have something in common.

a. he's also into volleyball
b. he's just nearby.. we're both from the south.
c. we have common elementary and high school classmates

He works for an oil petrol company. It shows intelligence. :)

but upon scrutinizing his Facebook page, He's in a relationship!
BOO!!! arrghh... hmmm. Let's see what will happen next, :)

I went to the one of the biggest malls in the world.
Agenda was to pay some bills and get some recreational function. A short nifty date again with myself. Well, It's getting fun..

The weather's perfectly fine. Bright and Sunny. It's weird since August is a season of heavy rains and floods yet, The sun is up. I remember the sunflowers from Plants vs. Zombies.
I went to the telecommunication's shop and paid my bill. Agenda was done and I have the time for myself again.

I tried roaming around and checked the movie list for a possible marathon. The Expendable, hmm.. nah! pass on that.. that's too straight. Other were already seen and downloaded, so I just continued roaming around and decided to get bunch of my favorite floss bread. I went to Bo's Coffee and spared my time sipping some chocolate freeze. Watching people as they pass by is again, a great experience. You see the hunks, the cutes, the gays, the boys, the dogs, those bf/gf quarrel and some interesting stuffs you can make crazy stories of.

Several hours have passed, it's time for dinner.. On to the resto. Got my Chicken Cordon Bleu and sat on a 3-seater table, Alone. I may sound dumb but I'm not. Started my sumptuous dinner, with my ipod on, Someone then approached me and asked if she can share a seat... Yes, you heard it, She. Uh, ok.. Sure.

Awkward. Silence on my end. Hey, it's a pretty and smart girl. Intimidating. lols.
Maybe she knew I'm straight. Sorry I'm not.
I can't break the ice, I never did in my life time. I hurriedly finished my stuff and went home.


Ta!

Got a couple of hours to splurge to.. So why not make another entry.

I'm pigging out myself with salt and ketchup. This is how I love my fries.

Ma texted asking where am I. Having doubts of him seeing me somewhere along the way, I asked him 'why?'

'I'm here in Glorietta with my bro.'

Coincendentally, I'm having my lunch in the same spot too. Getting straight to the point, I don't wanna see him. I wanna be alone.

I continued my salt craving and tried observing people while listening to my ipod, my bestfriend. Another hot manager stumbled upon my entrance, what's with this resto as they hire cute management trainees? Great biceps on a super tight fitting sleeve..

Contemplating on my past relationships, it's been a while. Almost 4 years have passed since my serious one. The one that lasted for more that a year. Well, a couple of years ago I had one but it didn't last that long though he can still be considered. So there were 2. I have tons of dates and flings but not a single guy worked out. Been through the thick and thin of the LGBT world. Maybe that's why I tested out positive. Experience really gave me the lessons I need to take. Modesty aside, I'm not stupid. I know how the world revolves around the sun. Yes, it's hard to be smart coz you tend to set standards, when you have standards, you tend yo be choosy. Yes, I'm choosy. Simple, I know what I want.

Now that I am sero-converted, hiv positive. I will still be choosy. It is better to set standards than to be fooled. Just like what happened a couple of days ago. I just knew that I was an 'option'. Maybe because I am positive and the other is negative. Another reason not to be engaged in a 'Magnetic' relationship (me, positive. Partner is negative). Good thing I'm smart enough. I'm already immunocompromised then why let my emotions be compromised as well. One's thing is for sure, I won't become a relationship-desperate retard. I'd rather cry every night than to look for an irrational relationship.

Just like what Tata Young said..

Don't want to depend on no-one else
I'd rather rescue myself

I can slay, my own dragon
I can dream, my own dreams
My knight in shining armour is me
So I'm gonna set me free

Another flow of Lacrimation.

How I wish I were trapped in my vivid dreams. Away from the harsh nature of reality.
A dream that transport one emotion to another.

How I wish I was a simple living creature. Away from the complexities of human suffering.
A dream that can be controlled every minute.

How I wish I had a shoulder to cry to on. Away from the corner of room, quietly crying.
A dream that eludes time.

How I wish this was never happened. Away from these tears that make my heart ache.
A dream that can born the inexistent.

Once, someone asked what was the happiest day life-to-date. I couldn't answer.
Someone asked, when was the lowest point. There's an answer.
I can't find myself where am I heading. Playing Pokerface is easy.
A realization that no one else can pamper myself but me, Alone.
A realization that no one else can make me happy but myself.
A realization that I need to revolve on my own world.
A realization that no one to help me. Just myself.
Maybe Alone isn't Lonely. Hopefully.
No but's and no ah's.

Friday the 13th is not that good for me.
I know this is another drama, I'm not usually like this.
It's just that, when you need someone to talk to or to share things with then it's the time when people are not around, even worse, no one talk to or share with.

Gonna watch a cartoon movie to lessen up this.

Good night.

Sunday. A regular family day for some, but for me.. it's my day.
Well, not my birthday. But a day to date myself out.

The original plan was to get out of the boring house early so I can set a movie marathon. more than 1 is already considered marathon ok? Last week I hit 2 in one day.

The rain fell hard so I need to push the time and wait while surfing the web.
2 hours delayed.. That's already one movie.

A date with myself began when I bought some school things.. pens and papers.
The movie I planned to watch will be shown at 8pm and I'm done with the bookstore by 630pm, so I have ample to time to do my stuffs.

Bought a new hair styling was and great food trip filled the gap and was so enjoyable. It was a long time since I did this.

1. a hotdog + mushroom + mozzarella cheese + mayo stuffed crepe.
2. banana split ice cream.
3. more than what you can eat fire floss.

Went on watching the people pass by. Stare at the cute guys and listen to my iPod.

Movie time was great but not my freaking seat mates who were so noisy murmuring the story line. The rain stopped just in time for me to go home..

It was such a feather-light experience. It's been a long time since I did this. I miss doing this.

Recent events and happenings makes me feel so sad, depressed, no sense of belonging, confused, lonely and bothered. I don't wanna elaborate more on each coz they will surely make me look dramatic. Ayoko na ng drama sa buhay, I have a serious health condition and here am I, making it worse. Pero I can't help it. Of course, a normal rational being will always feel a roller coaster-kind of emotions.

Do bad luck comes in 3? Well, this is more than Bad Luck.. As the title goes, Shit happens.

I'll try to enumerate some.

1. ARV side effects are not really getting me in the right track.
I'm having a hard time being a productive guy, I'm really good with Time Management skills but instead of splitting myself up, I'd rather sleep early. Do nothing and stay at home. This is not good.

2. A recent break up, well. It's not really a big deal for me but the Paradigm Shift is causing my trouble.

This is a chain reaction thing... coz,

1/2a. wala na kong constant na kausap, I dont have a bunch of friends to mingle with. I can't join my officemates on late night gimiks since Efavirenz will start to kick head off. I need to go straight sa bahay kasi gegewang ako sa hilo.

1/2b. I spend the weekend on myself, sanay naman na ko even before, doing things alone. but the Paradigm Shift. I try to ask my friends out, I texted them pero walang reply, they're too busy to meet me up, may isa nagpapalibre pa.
Naiisip ko tuloy, baka naman ayaw nila ako makita kasi they know I'm sero-positive.

1/2c. Personal obligations and liabilities are on. I wont elaborate on this na.

I know this is ranting again. Ewan ko ba.

Dapat sanay na ko dito eh. I was raised and left as an independent person!
Only child, no siblings, no brothers nor sisters, not even a relative na ka-close. I'm not close to my mom, so hindi ako pala share ng kwento or anything to her. My dad was long gone.

Just me. Myself.

I need to move forward. I won't look back.