The Chemistry of Sero-conversion... being HIV positive.

This weekend, i got 2 juicy revelations.. One was heard last Friday, the other was Saturday.

1. My boss is gay. Not really a big deal. He's like Ricky Martin, I mean the world already know he's gay except for himself. The thing is, he's more "malandi" than i ever thought. High-end and big-time boyfriends, Expensive hotels to check-in with... like the one Magdalo group tried to invade, all of his past boyfriends had wheels. Wow.

2. Thought Magnetic Relationships (Positive + Negative) were perfect? not really. My impression of it was at a high level. Not until recently.

Ideal world:
Negative loves Positive so much he can't let go and decided to stay and take care of each other. Positive loves Negative so much since he's the only guy in the world who understands his condition. In return, they are happy, contented and loyal/faithful to each other.

Reality:
There's not much sex activity happening because Positive has the responsibility of not transmitting the virus to Negative. Keeping Negative free of sickness. As a result, "forever boner" or "forced abstinence" that will eventually leads Negative to look for another Negative to have sex with. Also, Positive to look for another Positive to have sex with. Makes sense?

Worst:
Negative and Positive are in a relationship. Negative has a Negative fuck bud. Positive has also a Positive fuck bud. They do it secretly. Makes sense?


The consolation of Relationship, at least being good and stable, only exist in Porn Movies. Agree or Disagree? It's only the porn stars who act they're in good terms. So ironic.


Violent reactions? shoot them up. I'll entertain them.

Ta!

I'm one of the most introvert guy that exist on the planet. Can't really show emotions to a stranger, a new friend or even to the closest ones...

There's an inability to express my interest to another. I don't know why, maybe i'm just shy or too afraid to know whether I might be rejected or not. It's my innate personality. They say that 70% of humans are introvert, remaining are the extroverts. I took several online personality tests and somehow it proves that I am one.

Just recently, I'm experiencing another challenge to this psychological pattern.
There's one guy that makes my nerve cracking. A crush of mine. He looks very good. Those perfect chinky eyes, fair skin and wearing braces. He's 2 years younger though. We're friends.. Not really close, we do exchange messages once in a while. I met him in a photo shoot. I was the one who took the picture and he was the model. Some of my friends were already teasing me on him and this guy doesn't have any idea at all. I don't know if I will have the guts to tell him or just let this feeling subside and die naturally.

I saw the movie Charlie St. Cloud and it was mentioned at the end of the story that it's better to take chances. With this condition, I don't know if this move is the best card to take... I'm still testing the waters. But most likely... I'll let it pass.


Ta!

Blogging is literature.. the modern way. If only there was an internet connection during the times of Jose Rizal, he would have made a trillion books.. or entries?

anyway.. I just noticed and I can't really help it.
As I browse other's blog and stumble upon the followers, there are a lot of avatar pics of nice bodied individuals. Why is this so..? hmm...

Stereotyping guys, those muscled ones are not really on a "brain-mass" level. They work and tear their biceps and triceps instead.. Well, observing from the world of Guys4men turned PlanetRomeo.. It's true.. Been with the site, for what?, running 8 years? and yes.. You will have a hard time talking to the "sense-full" minds.

What's the correlation? There are still "hot" guys that can go beyond the flexes of their anteriors and posteriors..

That's nice.. good to hear, i mean, good to see..

I'll just keep it short. Just a plain observation.
Keep it up. I just hope there's consistency.

Any violent reactions? Don't hesitate to comment. I'll reply to that.

Ta!

The most memorable song I'll ever sing...

If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland and Katy Perry

Waiting anxiously outside the room of Makati Medical Center's Dra. G, I decided to plug my iPod and listen to relax my mind. Halfway of the song, they called my name. Hurriedly went inside to the nice and bubbly professional. Left my iPod running while the magical word was uttered... "Reactive"

Ta!

There's an anonymous guy commenting on my posts.
It shows he hates me.. I don't care who the hell is he. this is my blog world, i can say whatever i wanna say. don't worry i wont reject any nasty comments.

I'm having hints...

pls don't mess with a techie guy.

What you are doing will just add to the mess. If you want to talk about it, do it in a mature way.
I know you ended up college.

"Singleness" - the state of being single.

I've been contemplating on this scene for the past week. Rationalizing... "why am I still single?"
Went to many dates as possible but still none worked out.

I think this is the most highlighted topic on the entire blog posts.
My being single. I don't know why.. Maybe because I just know what I want.

The past days, a mixture of old and new friends went out for a get together. We saw a chic flick, dine out, booze session, coffee and all that stuffs.. I met my friend's boyfriend, I met my new friend's boyfriend, I met my officemate's boyfriend, I met everyone's boyfriend... And I, don't have one. voila! some of them were cute. :D

They we're asking why in the hell I don't have one. I said every excuses, which I think were legitimate enough, but they seem not to believe it.

they said, next time when we had our session you should bring your someone..
Who the heck.. they're putting pressure on me.

Though sometimes I miss the feel of having one.

Well anyway. It will come. A beautiful butterfly will soon land on the beautiful flower. chos!

Just a random thought...

Nothing much to say.

Hiatus or not to?
I think I want this seclusion to keep on going.
Nothing much on the road right now, so why not be on a pro-solitude state?

Gonna list down the pro's and con's.

Just like what I have mentioned, for the longest time of 10+ months I haven't met anyone from the outside world. I mean, those blind dates and meet ups. Not until recently.. I already met 3 guys. One every week. Two of them were hanky pankies..

The first one was the guy I am talking about, the tall, buff and manly stud who's being contrary with his bed preference. After the meet up, communication was cut and his whereabouts are unknown. As expected.

The second guy meet up was not really intentional. The day was planned for a 'self-date' which I normally do on weekends. He was persistent to meet me prior to that day so I texted him that I might go to this place. He replied and said he's gonna message me if in case he's around the area. I did my usual stuffs, alone. Eat, play, shop, stroll and when I was about to watch a movie.. There goes his text message telling us to meet.
He was nice enough, same height of 5'10 or so, nice toned body. We went to dine, my 2nd dinner set, and had some stories to tell. Things went a little bit intimate when he showed signs of being turned on. I think he was having a boner then. He propelled his legs towards mine and started doing the 'kuyakoy' move. We went to his car and started kissing me. Alright, he's onto me. I think he wants to do it.

'where do you wanna go?' he uttered.
'it's up to you. Anywhere' I said. haha.

He drove to a nearby hotel and we did checked in. How pathetic. one of the very seldom instances of doing it in a hotel. We did it of course and the rest was history. We did it safely. Parted ways. And infairness, he still sends some messages despite what happened.

The third guy. He was no hanky panky. He's also a sero-converted guy. A new one. Newbie as they say. We met in an online site and he asked that time if I can accompany him to RITM for his cd4 test. Plans did changed and he decided to transfer to SLH H4. We were exchanging messages for quite sometime and he's working at a nearby office. One night, he texted..

'i'm here in xxx near your office, can we meet?'

fine, I said to myself. To begin with, I was really hesitant to this guy, he might be a hoax of some sort. Trying to know sero-converted guys. We met inside a fast food store. He's with a friend.

Oh crap! I really hate it when there's a third wheel on the first meet up. It was a short meet and he was cute though. I wonder if he'll still keep the communication. Who knows.

The fourth guy. Pending. He also persistent in meeting up. Which I perceived will be like 1st and 2nd. A hanky panky. It shows from the way he ask me to meet.


Let's see what will happen next.

Ta!

Why is it I'm turned on to guys wearing Oakley glasses. It makes them hotter.. +1!

Had a couple of vivid dreams within 3 days...

1. A zombie apocalypse setting, like in Resident Evil, The Living Dead Series and Night of the Living Dead. "Shoot them in the head!" Had a shotgun and aimed like Milla Jovovich.

2. 28 Days Later setting. Almost similar to #1

3. My ex and I were living under one roof. Sweet and cuddly. Not really good.

The past weeks or should I say months, I'm really stressed and emotionally tired. I admit, I live in anxiety.. Always worried, nervous and always think of what will happen next. This I need to change. Which I believe is a tough thing to do. Stressors are everywhere. From work to peers, and even what my future holds. It's not really uplifting with this kind of living. I need to, somehow, reverse what is happening. According to my Human Behavior professor, try to revert all negative vibes into motivation. There's always a time where we will feel down, do the wrong things and be not satisfied with what we do.. These in turn are oppurtunities for improvement. Without these, there's no improvement. It's the essense of personality.

I just don't know where to start. Living in anxiety is not really healthy. I know that..
Maybe, starting from now and onwards.. Choose my friends, choose who to talk to, choose who to share feelings and choose someone who can open the door for everything.

I was inspired by Katy Perry's new song - Firework. It's a really nice song, adding to it the video that compliments with the lyrics. Though I only feel this when I listen to her song, what if I don't.

The past weeks, I meet several guys from a weekend activity. Some where nice and some were not. I have this crush on one guy but I'm so hesistant to tell him or even keep him at his toes. Firstly, I'm an introvert so I don't expect to let it go. 2nd, I'm already sero-converted. 99% would be a chance of rejection. Now it's a regret. If only I could turn back time, I will change everything, If only I was a minute late on the sex meeting with the guy who gave me this. Everything will not be like this.
I'm just being realistic. No fairy tale stories.

I'm stressed. For the longest time I haven't been engaged into sexual interactions. I just had one, on a weekday - lunch time. We initially met in PlanetRomeo, gave his face photos and exchanged numbers. After being persistent, he finally got a yes from me to meet him. I was shocked, he's really good looking, so manly, gym buff and tall enough. Too bad, he's bottom.. It suddenly came into my mind if I change my preference, so to avoid any transfusion and viral transmittal, of course doing it safely too. Bottoms are at the probabability of getting infected. Anyway, he nice and sweet. Health conscious and he seems to be a swimmer. Again, no expectations. No fairy tales. The last encounter was January, the time where I'm still free from being diagnosed. 10months after, I felt the situation of meeting up a stranger again.

These are my random thoughts. No one to talk to, no one to share with. Here you go.

Ta!