- The Chemistry Guy
- The Chemistry of everyday life, an HIV blogger. Twitter: @tcghiv | Email: tetrahydroziline@gmail.com
Bleak
I've been ranting out lately because I don't have someone to talk to seriously these days and I can decipher that they just don't like some drama.
I recently shifted career, from a call-center-based type of work to being a corporate junkie. There's a total difference between the two and I think I'm having a hard time adjusting my self both emotionally, intellectually and financially.
I can cite some differences between the 2 worlds.
1. Schedule - Corporate wolrd has a better schedule that can offer than that of the BPO world. Most corporate offices offers flexible schedule, that means, go to work anytime and get out as long as you finish their required hours. Unlike BPO setting, you need to be at the office at XX time or else you get suspended.
2. Working environment - this might be dependent over each organization but what I have noticed, people over the corporate world are much attached to their work. They are so serious to an extent that the office production is so quiet, you hear every letter on the keyboard being type. This is way contrasting with the BPO world, the floor is jam packed with employees with their agenda of noisiness and fun.
3. People - an absolute quality in nature. It's a prerogative of each individual whether a person or a group is of good quality. People over the BPO industry are more open, liberated and free compared to the corporates which are quite reserved and goal-set individuals. When I was in the BPO sector, I can say whatever I want without other being offended. Unlike now that everyone need to watch the words that will come out of their mouths.
4. Money matters - add fringe benfits to it, will differ according to the nature of the organization. Each has its own way of monetary and non-monetary process of business and people development and employee motivation. I'm having a hard time adjusting from being highly paid to a much lower one. I need to find ways to adjust which is already an ordeal to me.
5. Stability - Corporate world is more stable when it comes to employment sustainability than BPO's. But the career growth and promotion is slower than that of the BPO business.
Bottom line is, I'm NOT enjoying my current work. It has been a couple of month since I joined the team and now... I wanna get out and submit my resignation. As of the moment, jobstreet website is open every hour. Searching for a potential new organization to join to. Another trial and error perhaps.
I recently shifted career, from a call-center-based type of work to being a corporate junkie. There's a total difference between the two and I think I'm having a hard time adjusting my self both emotionally, intellectually and financially.
I can cite some differences between the 2 worlds.
1. Schedule - Corporate wolrd has a better schedule that can offer than that of the BPO world. Most corporate offices offers flexible schedule, that means, go to work anytime and get out as long as you finish their required hours. Unlike BPO setting, you need to be at the office at XX time or else you get suspended.
2. Working environment - this might be dependent over each organization but what I have noticed, people over the corporate world are much attached to their work. They are so serious to an extent that the office production is so quiet, you hear every letter on the keyboard being type. This is way contrasting with the BPO world, the floor is jam packed with employees with their agenda of noisiness and fun.
3. People - an absolute quality in nature. It's a prerogative of each individual whether a person or a group is of good quality. People over the BPO industry are more open, liberated and free compared to the corporates which are quite reserved and goal-set individuals. When I was in the BPO sector, I can say whatever I want without other being offended. Unlike now that everyone need to watch the words that will come out of their mouths.
4. Money matters - add fringe benfits to it, will differ according to the nature of the organization. Each has its own way of monetary and non-monetary process of business and people development and employee motivation. I'm having a hard time adjusting from being highly paid to a much lower one. I need to find ways to adjust which is already an ordeal to me.
5. Stability - Corporate world is more stable when it comes to employment sustainability than BPO's. But the career growth and promotion is slower than that of the BPO business.
Bottom line is, I'm NOT enjoying my current work. It has been a couple of month since I joined the team and now... I wanna get out and submit my resignation. As of the moment, jobstreet website is open every hour. Searching for a potential new organization to join to. Another trial and error perhaps.
Tough Luck
Been working on my photography skills for the past 4 years now. It started out with landscape and architecture and to satisfy these, I travel domestically within the country. After several years, I decided to try portrait and it seems that I'm pretty good at it.
Now, I find photography as my leisure and main hobby and perhaps I wanna take it to the next level... being a professional.
I smacked down jobstreet and updated my online resume hoping to find who can stare at my online portfolio and be part of their organization.
Elusive luck for me. Only 2 called. The first one was for a studio photographer and they were asking me to build a creative lookbook, I have to reschedule the interview since it was a very short notice approach and no ample time to create this "creative" lookbook. Of course I have to make an impression. But when the time that I was ready for it, they already hired someone and no position was vacant for me to fit in. Tough luck.
Second was a for a major real estate group. I was invited for an interview and examination, I survived the written exam, initial and second interview. Been a week since the last contact and I no longer hope for the best.
And there was a third opportunity wherein a local employment agency called me and offered a photographer position for a beach resort in Dubai. The first thing that came into my mind was, I am HIV positive. As much as I would want to accept the offer, I cannot. EMEAR countries are known to be stict with people with HIV. So another lost opportunity.
I think I need to re-assess my portfolio and add quality subjects onto it. This will take time and effort to be competitive enough.
I think I'm lucky enough to be shortlisted. At least.
Overprotected
I'm the only son.. and child. Not a spoiled brat where every wish came true. My mom did not entertain this fact but instead she was overprotective of me. Since I am the only little darling in this small family, mom was the first in line of defense. I can't really remember the very details of how she do it but all I know was like I'm a boy wrapped in a bubble wrap.
I tried analyzing my current attitudes and perspective towards several things and these were the one I learned:
Undermining self confidence - I strongly admit it, I'm not very confident in every move I take. It seems that I need someone's help especially on decision-making. One evidence I've notice is whenever I'm in a new environment, I just don't know what to do. A clear example of this is when applying for a new job, entering the building, riding the elevator and inquiring on the reception area is the most gruesome and hard part for me. I always opted to be with someone to accompany me and I'm having a hard time coping with this scenario.
Instilled fear of failure - Almost identical to above, since my confidence is not high and set. There's this tendency that I know I will fail. This boils down to being pessimism.
Inability to launch - being unsure of my passion. Since there was already someone who sets it for me, if you were to ask me what's my talent... I don't have one. I don't sing, not too much of dancing, I can't play any musical instruments... Virtually I have nothing. I'm in my late bloomer years of discovering my talent through the eye of photography and travel. But up until this day my mom doen't want me to pursue this telling me that this is an expensive hobby.
I'm 25 years old and It seems that I haven't found the road to drive to, I am becoming a late bloomer and I'm not getting any younger.
I tried analyzing my current attitudes and perspective towards several things and these were the one I learned:
Undermining self confidence - I strongly admit it, I'm not very confident in every move I take. It seems that I need someone's help especially on decision-making. One evidence I've notice is whenever I'm in a new environment, I just don't know what to do. A clear example of this is when applying for a new job, entering the building, riding the elevator and inquiring on the reception area is the most gruesome and hard part for me. I always opted to be with someone to accompany me and I'm having a hard time coping with this scenario.
Instilled fear of failure - Almost identical to above, since my confidence is not high and set. There's this tendency that I know I will fail. This boils down to being pessimism.
Inability to launch - being unsure of my passion. Since there was already someone who sets it for me, if you were to ask me what's my talent... I don't have one. I don't sing, not too much of dancing, I can't play any musical instruments... Virtually I have nothing. I'm in my late bloomer years of discovering my talent through the eye of photography and travel. But up until this day my mom doen't want me to pursue this telling me that this is an expensive hobby.
I'm 25 years old and It seems that I haven't found the road to drive to, I am becoming a late bloomer and I'm not getting any younger.
Accolades
I have some friends, whom they don't know I am a poz,
have accolades on persons living with HIV. There was one who told me that HIV
is only for those rich kids, I asked why and he said that only rich fellas only
afford to buy expensive medicines, ARV I assume, and have treatments on their
opportunistic infections. I talked to myself and asked, I'm not rich. Just an
average earning boy from down south. Good thing medicines are free, thanks to
Global Fund and the government health insurance. I was diagnosed way back 2010
and that was the year where almost everything is free. But now, there fees to
be collected. But still, almost 90% of costs are covered.
During the late 80's and 90's, after the onset of HIV
discovery, it was penned that the disease is for gay men alone as almost all
infected are gay men. The gay man's disease before it was named HIV. There was
a time when I was in RITM that I noticed a husband and wife who's both positive
and to take note that the wife is preggy. Another was a mother and daughter who
is also both positive. So again, this one is for everyone.
Someone told me that HIV, granting that the infected is
male, is for good looking men. That I cannot attest, but I have notice that
yeah most of the men living with HIV is indeed good looking. Either a model
like one, a hunk and the boy-next door
type one. It's not purely 100% true. Of course beauty is permanently
subjective. But what I know is this is somewhat true. *somewhat*
Another guy have told me, looking for a partner is almost
impossible. Totally wrong. I have friends who does have a partner of same
status, some are on a magnetic relationship - lucky them. And some just really
don't care, I mean they just want to have some fun, still meet for sex, do
pnp's and propose orgys. I just hope they're doing it safely. I don't have a
partner, but of course I wanted to, I wanna experience it again how does it
feel like having someone to share with. Been single for the longest time, 5 or
6 years I think. If chances permit, I would welcome it.
Career
It seems that I chose the wrong career path and not deciphered the emerging technological advances.
One of my greatest goals as of this date is to secure my future. Before I was diagnosed, this has been already on the top of the line and I thought that what I have now is more than enough to secure the future.
I have a background in both engineering and management aspects but it seems that I can't really utilize these to the full potential.
Every day, I check jobstreet to search and observe what the current workforce demand is.
Not to my surprise - IT related jobs.
With the boom of the Information Technology and computer related aspects, so as the manpower need to sustain and maintain the industry. The most common are the software developers and ERP practioners. I felt the regret on my end and asked why In didn't listen to my mom when I was about the enter college, She was the one who insisted of me taking IT related courses and of course I refused on it knowing the financial struggle of having your son to be enrolled in computer science courses - 2003, I don't have any desktop, laptop nor printer. So i thought it would be difficult for me to adapt to lessons.
I checked on the salary grade of those IT professionals, my regret was intensified just to discover how high their pay check is. Let's admit it, long term career is not fulfilling if not compensated very well and is a step towards financial security.
Now, after that I learned being sero-converted, I must act swiftly to secure my place and how to perceive the future. I'm not getting any younger and my target is to manage people by the age of 30. Maybe I'm setting my expectations too high, maybe I'm just pressured. This is not the time to relax and be complacent.
As of the time being, I can propose is that what I have right now is not really a career fulfilling endeavor.
One of my greatest goals as of this date is to secure my future. Before I was diagnosed, this has been already on the top of the line and I thought that what I have now is more than enough to secure the future.
I have a background in both engineering and management aspects but it seems that I can't really utilize these to the full potential.
Every day, I check jobstreet to search and observe what the current workforce demand is.
Not to my surprise - IT related jobs.
With the boom of the Information Technology and computer related aspects, so as the manpower need to sustain and maintain the industry. The most common are the software developers and ERP practioners. I felt the regret on my end and asked why In didn't listen to my mom when I was about the enter college, She was the one who insisted of me taking IT related courses and of course I refused on it knowing the financial struggle of having your son to be enrolled in computer science courses - 2003, I don't have any desktop, laptop nor printer. So i thought it would be difficult for me to adapt to lessons.
I checked on the salary grade of those IT professionals, my regret was intensified just to discover how high their pay check is. Let's admit it, long term career is not fulfilling if not compensated very well and is a step towards financial security.
Now, after that I learned being sero-converted, I must act swiftly to secure my place and how to perceive the future. I'm not getting any younger and my target is to manage people by the age of 30. Maybe I'm setting my expectations too high, maybe I'm just pressured. This is not the time to relax and be complacent.
As of the time being, I can propose is that what I have right now is not really a career fulfilling endeavor.
Resemblance
I don't know what this guy is up to - THIS GUY
He does communicate with once in a while like 1 text a month, and he really like flirting with me. It has been almost a year since we met personally and honestly, I can't get over him. I know for sure he's into hard core sex eyeballs but there somewhat in him that makes a good partner.. somehow.
Just so you know, we have this terms of endearment. I don't take it seriously though but I'm just going with the flow. Once in a while his tall, toned and slender body pops out of my mind. This is just another hangover from a guy and it's not the first time.
What's with these tall guys anyway. I remember a couple of years ago, there's this similar guy whom I've met online. He's tall like 6'1, a manager - corporate slave and a graduate of Philosophy from the country's top university. This is quite odd as I usually encounter nut-headed guys online. This guy was gorgeous enough and what really turned me on was he was also to console video games.
We decided to meet somewhere in Greenbelt and the first time I saw him was like "damn!". We went to his apartment which was quite far from Makati and he said if I can stay overnight. It was Sunday and I'm on summer vacation so we both agreed. His pad was simple, not too crowded with furniture and he used dim light. He was the one who introduced the tuna-sodacracker mess, had a couple of beers, chit chat, played psone and off we go and had sex.
Boiling things down, I woke up early the next morning and since I got nothing to do I suddenly felt to check his phone only to discover the real score. An overrated public scene guy. Later that lunch I went home as if nothing happened. up until now, I always wonder where is he now and even tried searching Facebook.
These 2 guys were very similar to each other in terms of their attributes. I will not forget these guys especially their big dicks.
He does communicate with once in a while like 1 text a month, and he really like flirting with me. It has been almost a year since we met personally and honestly, I can't get over him. I know for sure he's into hard core sex eyeballs but there somewhat in him that makes a good partner.. somehow.
Just so you know, we have this terms of endearment. I don't take it seriously though but I'm just going with the flow. Once in a while his tall, toned and slender body pops out of my mind. This is just another hangover from a guy and it's not the first time.
What's with these tall guys anyway. I remember a couple of years ago, there's this similar guy whom I've met online. He's tall like 6'1, a manager - corporate slave and a graduate of Philosophy from the country's top university. This is quite odd as I usually encounter nut-headed guys online. This guy was gorgeous enough and what really turned me on was he was also to console video games.
We decided to meet somewhere in Greenbelt and the first time I saw him was like "damn!". We went to his apartment which was quite far from Makati and he said if I can stay overnight. It was Sunday and I'm on summer vacation so we both agreed. His pad was simple, not too crowded with furniture and he used dim light. He was the one who introduced the tuna-sodacracker mess, had a couple of beers, chit chat, played psone and off we go and had sex.
Boiling things down, I woke up early the next morning and since I got nothing to do I suddenly felt to check his phone only to discover the real score. An overrated public scene guy. Later that lunch I went home as if nothing happened. up until now, I always wonder where is he now and even tried searching Facebook.
These 2 guys were very similar to each other in terms of their attributes. I will not forget these guys especially their big dicks.
Cotton
How time flies so fast.
I haven't noticed that March was my Second (cotton) anniversary of being sero-converted.
So anything within 2 years of existence? Not much... Just battling the effects of ARV's (still). I started taking Sustiva and Combivir July of 2010 and up until this date, I can still feel the harsh effects of Efavirenz. Imagine 2 years of dizziness, light headedness, impaired concentration and sleepiness. It was a great thing that I was able to cope with Combivir's effect - anemia, maybe that was another factor why I always feel tired.
Most of the tenured poz bloggers were right, you'll just remember this life changing event once you grab that pill/s out of the bottle. During this existence, I admit that I am not that 100% compliant with medication, There were times that I miss a pill for the day per month, but rest assured that I am working on it.
I haven't seen Dra. G of Makati Med for a while, perhaps one of these days I will pay her a visit. She has been an eye opener to me and she was the one who kept me calm and secured after the results were out 2 years ago. I remember everytime I go to Makati Medical Center, I always ask for CBC even though I don't need it. I just wanted to feel those enormous syringe out of my veins and see the phlebotomist extract my blood. It has been a routine of mine but not until recently.
Couple of days ago, I moved my body and jogged a little. I have read from several poz sites that exercise will somehow reverse the effects of Sustiva. Jogged for like 20 minutes and felt the heavy sweats and it was somehow itchy and irritating once it escapes from my pores - Maybe it has the remnants of the meds. It was a sense of euphoria and I plan to do it again. Speaking of, I now have the urge to enroll myself to a gym and start working out again. Whenever I see myself in front of the mirror, my wasting and fat redistribution is getting obvious. My extremities are getting slimmer and my torso/belly is getting larger. Of course, I don't wanna be unproportionate. This will surely ruin my confidence and lower down my ego.
Maybe in 1 or 2 months time, after doing my financial assessment and analysis, I will throw myself lifting weights and thorough cardio workout. Both benefits will include a healthier me - physically and mentall, stress management and wellness, better looking me and increased self confidence. Hey, I don't wanna put my height into waste. Everybody wants to be attractive too, you know. LOL. It will be also great if I can have a gym friend so we can help motivate each other.
And regarding my deprived concentration and memory effects, I'm now trying to learn to read more stuff over the internet especially those that interest me.
So far so good, I just wanted to sleep all day long. I just hope I can overcome what ever this will lead me.
Emerge
After a long hiatus of hide and seek from the outside social world, last weekend - Saturday, I decided to emerge from the long sleep of non-socializing and self isolation. I really don't know the reason why I entered this phase of my life, hiding from guys and just being myself all along. This made my depression worse and even worst. Yes, you heard it right, I no longer need be seen by a psychologist or psychiatrist perhaps, but I can assess for myself that I am depressed. From the symptoms and clear thinking I have in mind, this really show how depressed I am. Not in the sense that I got this sustaining virus, but the how it affects me and my social and emotional being. I'll go deeper with the detail of it, but for now. Lemme share my experience with this poz guys meet ups.
It all started with a good friend of mine who invited me over on this meet up. Actually, this ain't the first group gathering I've done. So I should say, I'm used with it. This friend of mine invited me over on this meet up, it was originally a set of poz guys over twitter, I only use personal twitter so I don't have have any idea that such exists. I took this chance, maybe a great time to meet other guys especially poz guys, and mingle with unknown friends. They set it on a weekend and I won't do anything that except mashing my playstation 3 controller so I agreed to join. The day came and it was a nostalgic feeling of meeting strangers - more so if you're meeting a new group. Butterflies in my stomach started to fly when I was waiting. The time came when we met up, I'm not really a perky person to mingle with the group instantly, so the natural act of silence sprouted. Good thing, I have this friend with me and another acquaintance poz guy whom I met over blog. This was a sense of relief and I am confident that I wouldn't be left behind.
Introduction was set. Most of them are of my age and some were a bit older. So there's actually a good sense of dynamics within the group - in terms of maturity and experience. We were like 6 or 7, can't really remember coz they were like come and go from the scene. We had dinner over a pizzeria ristorante and got the chance to somehow know each other. though not that thorough. Had some fun stuff over pizza and sour pasta while boy watching at the same time.
My normal attitude towards a new set of friends is really stiff. You know, I really like being grumpy and choleric. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism I use when ever I meet new friends for them not see the real score in me. 9 out 10 new friends do agree that I am really stiff and cranky, sometimes I use this a trademark of myself. I enjoy being one. I'm a true blooded Gemini, I just show my other "dual" personality. Seriously. This is one of the extremes of how I can be and other.. another extreme kindness. LOLS
We decided to watch a film, a not so good one. Which bored me a little, and afterwards we waved goodbyes. I never regret the decision I made to join the group, it was fun indeed, Though no serious talks was published but the sense of having some good friends (So far, I know they are good) around you for a couple of hours on times like this is very stress relieving. Well, I just hope to bump them once again and meet more new friends. So far so good. I enjoyed it and for sure, I will do it again.
Thanks to my friend - @poz_angel , This Heart is Still Beating , and others whom I cant't really remember the names - Efavirenz?, I just remember how they look like - I'm a visual learner.
One thing is for sure, I won't make a twitter poz account - I love my personal twitter. Sorry :p
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