The Chemistry of Sero-conversion... being HIV positive.

I'm not feeling that good.. I'm having tummy problems, diarrhea or maybe gastroenteritis. It's been 2 days since I go back and forth to the toilet throne. It started out when I asked for a service water from a famous pizzeria. I really opted not to drink house water to begin with, I knew from myself that I have a quite low cd4 count and for sure I am susceptible to any infection. I ordered Iced tea to start off my dinner, but it was way too sweet for me so I asked for service water. Hours later, my tummy started to form clouds of thunder and lightning... and there you go.

For a normal person it would last approximately 1-2 days.. but for me? an immuno-compromised guy, maybe longer or even worse.. tssss..

Im now taking electrolyte solutions and Gatorade, to replenish all my lost fluids and electrolytes (Potassium, Sodium, Magnesium, BiCarbonates etc.)



But it's a weekend! I cant afford to stay home just doing online stuffs, this is so boring... I wanna watch Prince of Persia!

For now, Saturday, its time to rest I think.. but tomorrow, Sunday! nah! splurge!!!!

Hope everyone enjoyed and fulfilled with the AIDS Candle lighting ceremony held yesterday.


Ta!

Last night, Tuesday, I met a guy in Legaspi village.

He sent me a message in planet romeo last week coz he's having some problems.
He felt that he's positive since there were some symptoms that denotes the condition such as Shingles, swollen lymph nodes, flu-like symptoms and the like.. he was so worried and it seemed that all burden was on his shoulder. He mentioned that around 2008 he had a slight unprotected encounter. He was horribly asking for my advise and urged to meet me. Of course i had doubts.

When arrived in Manila last weekend, he took the test in Makati Medical Center and since it was a Saturday, results might be out by Tuesday.

This is the longest 2 days of my life

he quoted. After exchanging some sms's I decided to meet him in Legaspi village where he stays, After work i went straight through the place and we met. He's of average height, i'm turned on with his braces and i know he's intelligent coz of the way he speaks and utters his emotions..

good thing these kind of guys still exists, they're just hiding underground waiting to be discovered, i thought this world is now dominated by relentless party freaks and superficial minds.

We sat down and talked, asking questions, giving out answers, sharing experiences, making daot, and pampering what can be pampered. He's good in conversations. Couple of hours later, we decided to part ways, gave him a hug and an assurance that no matter what results would be, you can still go ahead and live a normal life...

Tuesday afternoon, he's not texting me.. so i wondered if what happened, baka sobrang shocked at depressed sa result kaya ayaw muna ng kausap. I tried texting him,

you ok?

no reply..

work's done for the day and i went home, as i sat on my bed trying to untie my shoe, my phone rang and saw his name.

Hi, Z ....... just had the results and it's non reactive! im so hapi and changed..... thanks for showing me how a complete stranger can help so much... id reli like us to be friends.

Im so happy for him, he's negative.. at least walang madagdag na figure sa tally.
Though i still warned him na to be careful next time.. I know he's so happy. Rejoicing.

Suddenly, my mood went out crazy.. i'm now crying.... again!
I don't know but maybe i'm just envious of him, not just envious but so envious!
buti ka siya negative.. I hope i got the same result when i took the test months ago.
It's not my fault why im infected. If only i could turn back time. A system restore.

I took a bath so I wont feel my tears ...

you're a lucky guy R, pls be careful on your journey.



Ta!

The weekend was indeed fun or should i say fun indeed? hahaha

Saturday, Met with a friend from a foreign land. He's good looking and way sexy!
We've been exchanging messages from an online gay site and yesterday was our meet up day. He was fun to be with, we laughed and stared at people.. im missing him already.

Afterwards, i met up another friend of mine, he was with his date.. so it's like im the 3rd wheel and a gate crasher! we went out on a simple dinner and had coffee afterwards. Man! the caffeine really gave me a hard time sleeping later on!




Saturday was really fun! it got more exciting when a revelation stood up.
There's a blogger guy who's of the same wavelength threw a comment on my post, so of course out of politeness i replied.. replies went to exchanging numbers, then we're on the phone talking.. the usual getting to know like where do you work, blah blah and blah... until such time that things were falling to somewhere and somewhat.



hmmmm this guys seems to be familiar!!! interrogation lead to a big revelation... HE'S MY OFFICEMATE!!!! wow.. what a small world!!! hi there bud! hehehe. well the good thing on here is, we're on the same side of the story and we're on it... :)
he made me laugh when he said,

i dont prefer party girls!

haha that's the attitude!

see yah friend!

Sunday, went out with a friend and saw some animated movie, Shrek 3. It was really fun. Stress Buster!

Im hoping that next weekend will be more than this.. cross-fingers! :)

Ta!

Russian Roulette - Rihanna

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I, ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late to pick up the value of my life

I was alone in my post, working the whole day.. i decided to isolate myself
for the day so i can somehow escape from stress and tension.. I decided to play and listen on my ipod and stick to one song, Rihanna's Russian Roulette.

It's a pretty heavy song, i mean.. message of the song will strike it's listeners.
Now, i add this to my favorites.

Russian roulette is a game wherein you put a single bullet on a revolver, point it on your head and try to fire it.. lucky if no bullet comes out. you're dead if it does. scary game huh...

As the song runs, my burden lightens as my tears starts to drop..
yeah, i look stupid.. crying while working in front of a pc..
it took around 3 hours for me to settle down..

now, burden's a bit lighter than before.. thanks to Rihanna. :D


Ta!

Purple was Wednesday's color of the day.

It seemed that purple dominated the day, from my shirt to pen ink.
every turn of my head showed this color.. What's happening?? is this the end of the world? Maybe this is a sign...

Again, it was a stressful start off.. it got worse when there's issues and rivals between friends and officemates. There's even scandalous events! my oh my... this can't be happening! i wanna be selfish... my cd4 count!

Yesterday, bits of the burden spilled out..

I can't take it anymore.
My friend texted me and asked how i feel, i think he has the gut instinct that there's something wrong with me... we talked and exchanged sms until i confessed that i am HIV positive.

i was in the center isle of Buendia Ave., my eyes went teary as the hot sun stroked my face.

a sight of relief after i saw his message...
"it's a one big fight, we're on your side"

we texted all day long and i know he's trying to accompany me.
good friends are not really that hard to find.. thanks R!

a rundown of the people i trust,

2 close friends of mine, C and R
a guy i met in planet romeo, J
one of my ex, C

thanks guys. :D

Ta!

It was a non-productive day for me.. spent the day resting from Saturday's Pahiyas Festival.

The festival was great, lots of people, tons of food and great colors..
Despite the heat, heavy traffic, sweaty and sticky people I managed to make it a worthwhile activity.

It started out on a heavy traffic along SLEX caused by a massive fire. It took us around 2hours just to pass by Alabang exit from C5. I thought it was the end, but NO .. Tollgate traffic along Laguna made a 45min ordeal. Another one along Sto. Thomas, Batangas. Then another along Quezon! gawd! the normal 3-4 hours ride to Lucban was about 6-7 hours.. such a crap!



When we were there, tons of people stumbled upon the streets and it is imperative for any vehicle to pass through, so we decided to walk. Watching a lot of people is always my favorite pass time, i got more excited when we where in city proper. pucha ang daming tao and the heat was so intense! pancit habhab everywhere, street foods were rampant, colorful kipings and houses, maraming din cute at gays. it was a nice view from the start.

Took photos the whole day and went home at around 8pm, as expected, sobrang traffic pa rin. arrived home at around 3am. See, 8pm-3am, that's 7hrs!

Sunday, time to organize my things and photos.. I wanna go out and play, yoko kasi mag stay house since i always feel that i dont have the sense of privacy. but out of katamaran hindi na ko natuloy. even i'm with my folks at home... depression still bothers me. I wanna talk and make kwento to someone... but hey, there's none. Remember, my mom and i is not that close to an extent that i share my personal stuffs? so instead, i went online and tried to look for someone to talk to. as always, pahirapan mag hanap.

Someone sent a message to my pseudo account in planet romeo, pseudo account - my hiv inclined personal account, hahaha.

he said, "pls text mo naman ako, huhuh"
i said, "bakit kita itetext, positive ka ba?"
he said, "yes"



so he gave me his number and i decided to text him, maybe he's new and he doesnt know what to do and he knows i can help him. he's so handsome, nice nose and eyes. pang artista i should say, 22 yo though. the way he compose his text, you'll notice na bata pa sya kasi sort of a jejemon. tsk. we talked over the phone and exchanged some messages, then he asked for my photo, i was in doubt since mahirap mag trust, but for fairness sake i did give my facebook. all of a sudden hindi na sya nag text. so, alam ko na.. my god, nag kalat paren ang mga superficial. they're everywhere! fine fine, to begin with he's a jejemon so goodluck na lang sakanya.

after a while, there's another guy. i saw his photo and alam kong mejo sikat sya sa g4m or pr. i always see his profile in every forums during the g4m days.. pusit din pala to! to cut it short, his senseless, superficial. though hindi ko naman binigay photos ko kasi alam ko na na ganun sya. so i saw his photo but he didnt see mine.. still quits.

no dates for the time being. ok na din less stress sa mga hindi magandang ugali.
maybe searching for good and trustworthy friends is enough muna.
nakaka dagdag sa depression kasi, so better stop it muna..

posted are some photos from the festival, of course ibang set yung nakapost sa personal sites ko. :D

Ta!

I went home around 8pm.
It was Friday and it's payday, heavy traffic and massive people on the streets.
So I decided to walk from RCBC tower to Glorietta. Imagine... but it was fun, I saw a lot of people, observing them and making stories.. Tired and a bit sweaty, I'm in Landmark and a sudden gut feeling of me seeing someone I knew came into me.
Voila! there you, minutes after.. I saw my ex date - M, he looks better than before, I think he's happy now and got a boyfriend. We used to date for about 7 months, What I like about him most is he's so intelligent, a CPA, financial analyst from a good company, sweet and so sensible. I decided not to continue the next level because of some personal interactions and mis communications. We're not friends, hindi nya ko pinapansin.. that's ok. I understand.

I went to Timezone, I wanna play Tekken 6 again... lots of cute guys were on queue.
Nahiya na ko, it seems they're very good. My social skills were degraded once more.

I felt sad, I dont know why. Maybe coz i'm alone and then im surrounded with groups of people, i felt out of place.. umuwi na lang ako and out of my sudden onset of sadness, i bought a cake for mom.. pasalubong since it's payday naman.

I'm getting ready for Pahiyas festival tomorrow. packing my things and setting my dslr na. hope to meet lots of new friends.. im now excited!

ta!

I saw my ex a while ago.. i was on my way home, he rang my phone...
"nasa likod mo ko", i turned back and saw him. tsssss..

i saw his cute face and his not so astounding built.
he's now my officemate by the way.

i said to myself for the Nth and log'th time.. "move on na! move on na!"
several years after our relationship and until now, i cant conclude that i have MOVED ON. everytime we talk and see each other, i wanna do it again...

why not? simply because we choose to.. things now are different.
especially my sero-status, he doesnt know about it. baka magbago pa tingin nya sakin.

he was my longest relationship, a close relationship.
we parted ways because of personal issues and surprisingly not by any third party.

I still love him, and i know he still loves me.. but everything's different.
mabigat sa dibdib.

One of the most remembered persons in my life.

Hope he sees someone that will take care of him.
better keep my promise to move on, surely it will take time to heal.

enough story.. iiyak nanaman ako.

Ta!

Another mood swing goes by, I don't know what could have caused this.
Depression is slowly running through my head, im fighting over it.. but it's power is so overwhelming.

I know, i'm full of dramas.. ikaw ba naman, having no emotional outlet/s.
i dont open up to my friends, i even dont have a best bud or a best friend or what ever you call it, i dont open up to my family, im not that close to my mom and other relatives, no daddy figure, i keep my problems to myself, i dont have any siblings to play with if im depressed or even cheer me up (only child). all i have are my random friends, some close and some don't. there are times that conflicts on our time arise when you need them, so more likely i have to handle everything on my own, i have no partner to share things with. once i had one but he's totally the super silent type one. so it's useless.



i may look pathetic, but i try not to and will show that im not. maybe this is the reason behind my strong personality. strong for me means, able to do it on my own, kills depression on my own, cheers myself on my own, having myself as my best bud. independent i should say.. this made me suplado, mataray, snob and everything. just like other's first impression on me.

i was unconsciously trained my by mom to be independent, im not the usual yaya-driven kid when i was young, i was always home alone then, do thing on my own. it's between me and myself then, it lasted all through my childhood days. until i carried those traits now.. im independent in such way that i tend to hide everything from the others, especially my problems and hardships, and that's one of my weaknesses. people like my friends and even my mom have no idea on what's happening.

kaya nga if i cry, sunod sunod na sila since all burdens from the past that i kept long came out.. and same thing if im angry. i know this is unhealthy.

i cry out loud, i go angry like a machine gun, i laugh like there's no tomorrow.

maybe having a blog, hobby and a pet is a good thing.
thanks to my ipod too, it keeps me distracted.

im still trying to loosen up.
yes, im almost 24 and still got this kind of attitude? if only i can turn back time.


Ta!

Another long weekend has passed by.

Saturday, it was a time for another volleyball game with some known and unknown friends. It was really fun and i got the chance to meet some new friends and acquaintances, of course another chance of meeting new crushes! lols

Sunday was quite slow for me, as usual, i went to a near by mall and did some groceries instead. was online the whole day and met another poz guy from a gay personal site. he was nice, seems humble.. which i like the most.
my instincts never failed me. i just don't get the logic why there are still some poz guys who's really pasaway.

I also got the chance to research some facts and developments on HIV. There are new ARV's to be approved soon by FDA. how exciting.

also had the chance to browse over youtube for photoshop tutorials..

May 10 was another premium pay for me, It's National Elections, it's a holiday..
as expected.. Ayala was like Resident Evil again, no cars, no fuzzy people, no everything!

I'm not a registered voter, hmm.. i know, why didn't i exercised my right? I just don't have time to register, as simple as that.

Looking at the partial results now, my bet Mr. Aquino is on the lead. but what the as a fuck?! Mr. Estrada next in line? no way! gosh.. why people nowadays are so narrow-headed. My officemates were wondering how to remove the indelible ink,

Indelible ink - main ingredient is Silver Nitrate, can be removed by Nitric Acid (goodluck!) and Sodium Thiosulfate. Correct me if i'm wrong.

My ex-bf and i got into a slight tension which lead to a realization that i can't share my sero status to him, tsk.. plans do fail. i really need to move on.

my birthday is just around the corner. no plans, no nothing...
my first birthday after my sero-conversion. well, nothing's special on that day.


like what i said, i need to move on, not from this sero-status but from him.

Get well soon Juan dela Cruz, Positive = Rebirth, G!


Ta!

A loose week that was..

May 3, 2010 - Rescheduled Labor Day holiday, everyone was enjoying their vacation..

Finally, I'm done with the day's busy works...